The things I think of when I'm alone

Why do I feel like dying inside?

Why is it that when anything bad happens to me the first thought that comes to my head is killing myself. No matter what I do I feel useless. Or that I'm putting some weight on someone to help me. I just want to close the door to that past. I don't know if I do it so if I break down they don't see what I'm going through and try to help me. Which in turn would cause me to open that door to explain why I'm breaking down. I keep thinking about cutting and then just keep doing it until I feel so numb that nothing in my past would even matter. I would just have to deal with keeping that door shut. So cutting just seems to be my answer that would be easiest. Why are all the easiest ways the ones that cause the more problems with others in my life? I just want to feel better.

I'm sitting here at 4 in the morning because I'm in too much emotional pain to sleep. I can't stand being myself. I feel like I'm torturing myself. I'm so lonely that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't got a single person in my life who I can talk to about this. My parents have a terrible relationship with me, my other close friend would think I'm disgusting, and I'm so lonely. I'm so tired of crying my eyes out every night, hoping that something will get better. I know it's selfish to kill oneself, but I no longer care. I have so few people in my life who would miss me. Things in my family are already screwed up as it is. I have let myself go in many ways. I have no future ahead of me. There's nothing going for me. I'm trapped where I am with nothing to look forward to. It's been years since I started feeling this way and it's not getting any better from here. It hurts so much that I want to throw up. I feel like I'm being stepped on. Even if I abandoned everything and somehow started over, the memory of this would crush me. I may be a selfish person, a pathetic and selfish person, but I can't think of anything more comforting than ending it all. I don't have anyone who cares about me anymore so what's the point of sticking around for all this?

My thoughts are so disjointed I can't even write without losing what I'm trying to say but after all I still try anyway. Trying anyway, but trying is kind of pointless. Everyday I wake up and I try but everyone around me doesn't understand anything I say I feel like I say so much and speaking is just sounds in anyway and words are all lies in the end. I don't know. I get help, I got help, maybe I should get more, but I can't get help because I can't help myself, as I lie all the time like words are lies and I appear normal in this filtered lens and yes I am normal but I mean fucking alright which I am maybe I'm not sure what I am or who I am or anything. I already hate myself for writing this, I feel sick all the time disgusted with myself and filled with so much shame. What the fuck is wrong with me. What the fuck did I do wrong and deserve this for. I get nothing, I am nothing, got nothing, do nothing. I just beg for validation in holes like this and I don't know what to do. No one wants to help me anymore they're all tired of hearing all of my noises and words. Maybe there will be someone here who will listen to me tell my same story seven times over, same shit, seven days over, sevens hours of the day that I'm awake and the other seven I sleep and the remaining seven plus three that I spend doing nothing but stare into nothing and think about nothing. I'm tired of living in my head but it's okay I think and I want to kill myself but I'm always very scared of failing so I won't so I'm okay but I'm hurt.