So my attempt at salvaging my awful grades failed, and now I'm further back than I started. I can see why my first attempt failed miserably, but the other two seemed okay? But they failed regardless. I'm failing at pretty much everything I set my hand to as well— I can barely hold a conversation without being seen as weird and overly awkward, I can't even do basic things that you need to do to function. I keep forgetting to eat, and when I do it's never much and always unhealthy. I haven't cleaned my room in so long that it's starting to get disgusting. I'm under constant pressure and it's just made worse because I just had a panic attack but I can't even take a break because I have too much work to do. I want to avoid everything for a year but then I'll get people interrogating me about why I didn't do this assignment or that one and I can't deal with more people being disappointed in me.
The idea of even theoretical disappointment is too much for me to deal with. I should just die, or at least attempt, so that that way I'll have an excuse for not doing things. Even if I didn't succeed at least that way maybe people would understand how long this has been going on for and maybe give me a break... but I don't want my desire for attention to be a reason for this... god this is poitnless and awful.
At the same time though, I feel really bad for even thinking about suicide, just because it's over such a stupid reason. The only reason I'm like this is because I can't do anything fucking right even if I try. If I can't withstand even this amount of pressure then what the fuck am I supposed to do. I'm so incompetent.
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The things I think of when I'm alone
PoetryUnbearable pain that is expressed and acknowledged becomes bearable. But people who have suffered from BPD received no such responses in their childhood. Therefore, they are stuck in the past, trying to elicit what they needed as a child-validation...
