The things I think of when I'm alone

Still in pain

I am a pessimist, I've always been that way ever since I can remember. I am that way because of my personal life experiences and sometimes it's hard to look beyond that. How can I have hope that things will be better for me in my life I'm only destined to reach a certain level of happiness. Maybe this doesn't make any real sense but it's what I've been thinking lately and how I kind of feel. I'm sad a lot, sadness that I haven't felt for a long while. And it's not over anything in particular really, I just feel sad and I constantly cry. And while I cry my mind tries to justify it and I pick any reason. Like yesterday I was crying when I smelled the air outside. And I sat there and thought about it. I feel a sadness that eats away at me and I have no idea how to make it stop. The first thing I feel when I open my eyes in the morning is this sadness and it lingers. I hate it I swear I've spent the last two years trying to improve my life I try to be more positive and yet I feel like I can't ever escape. All these years all these efforts to be better, happier only to end up here feeling this sadness.

4 years ago today was when my mom assaulted me 3 days before my 15th birthday.

Just thinking about the hell I went through literally the next year after that. The emotional trauma, public humiliation, the flashback nightmares I had, the nights I waked up in a cold sweat shaking, several suicide attempts and me ending up in therapy.

The thing I'm thinking, if I could talk to the me from back then about all the good things that are happening now in my life. Me being healthier emotional though I am not perfect I am better than what I used to be, I wonder what she would to say to me or would she laugh and think I was crazy...

I don't know what to think.

A/N :

I'm sorry if this is too raw for some people but I just needed to say something.

- Hazelle