I just need to not be around men right now.
I never had so many guy problems until now. I went 19 years and only had two boyfriends, if you count a sophomore year fling. Now, within the span of a few months, I've gotten back together and engaged with my ex, and fell in love with my best friend. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Although I am feeling relieved that I broke it off with Michael, I still can't help but miss him. I know this was for the best, and I know that the two of us were just not meant to be, but I can't deny that I am in love with him.
He has a really special place in my heart and he always will. After he broke up with me the first time, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was unlovable, which is not a feeling anyone should have. But now that I think back at it, I wasn't nearly as heartbroken as Cat was when her and Ashton broke up.
Cat felt empty when they broke up. She would tell me all the time that she felt like a piece of her was missing, and I never really felt like that. Sure, I was beyond upset, but I never felt like there was an empty place in my life. I guess thats why it was pretty simple for me to fall for Luke, when Cat couldn't even look at a guy for more than a year.
I guess the same is with Michael. He said that Crystal and him dated for 7 months when we were only broken up for a year. I don't know if that means he waited three months after we broke up to date someone and then told me he loved and missed me two months after they broke up, or if he waited four months after we broke up and then said he missed me a month after they did. I'm not sure if I ever want to know.
What is putting me off is how much I just want to be around Luke right now. All I want to do is just be in his presence, hang out with him, laugh at his dumbass jokes. But I know that would lead to something more pretty quickly, so I really shouldn't do that.
I do feel bad though. It has been a week since I broke up with Michael, and Luke has not stopped asking me if everything was alright. I ignored him for a little, but the guilt was killing me when he started thinking it was because of him so I just told him I was fine and he didn't do anything wrong, and I would call him soon.
I feel like I need to at least call him today, even though I know I should keep my distance. But he goes back to Yale in two weeks, and then he's gone until Thanksgiving or Christmas, I can't remember. I wouldn't feel right waiting until he's about to leave to talk to him, or even worse, not tell him at all.
Alright, fuck, I'll do it.
I pick up my phone from my bedside table and dial his number, butterflies filling my stomach.
It rings for a few, before his voice fills my ear.
"Grace? Is that really you?"
I laugh, shaking my head, "I know, I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, I just want to make sure you're alright."
I close my eyes and lean my head back. Why the hell is he the kindest, sweetest man in the world. I don't deserve to have someone like him in my life.
"I'm alright," I say quietly, "I'm good."
"Do you want me to come over?"
"Yeah," I say, even quieter. I let it slip before I can even think. I should of said no. I should of said that that's not a smart idea, and just told him over the phone. But the truth is, I don't want to say that. I want to see him.
"I'll be there in an hour or so," he says, "See you soon, Grace."
I smile slightly to myself, "See you soon, Luke."
