I don't want to die on most days. But sometimes I get so depressed it seems like a good solution. It just passes my mind out of the blue when I'm crossing a river or crossing the street. What if.
I thought I'd had it all figured out by now and it's not like that. Not knowing what to do with your life at 19 isn't a good idea. I feel like I'm gonna screw up, alone with a boring job I hate, surrounded by people I have nothing in common with, my parents are going to be so disappointed. They are going to die and I'll really be alone in the world then. No life partner, no nothing. It's so hard to make even the smallest decisions, bigger ones just plainly frighten me to death. I'm so scared of living alone, in poverty and misery, a complete failure. And this is crazy because nothing like this has ever happened to me!
Nobody knows this, nobody knows what I so frequently think of doing. It's so frustrating to me because I feel that it's all my fault. Why can't I enjoy my life? I want to and I should but can't... I feel so guilty for not being able to appreciate and enjoy anything.
I'm so ugly and unlovable. Bulimia was my 'solution' a few years ago. That was my slow and painful suicide attempt. I've been bullied and told how disgusting I am so many times that it still makes me cry. I'm all kinds of messed up and want to get better but don't know how.
Sometimes I daydream about being in a coffin. Nobody to disturb me. And that all my organs are donated to people who need them and can do wonderful things with their lives things I will never do. Something will always hold me back from my desires and dreams which only pulls me further into the abyss.
I'm scared to die.
