The things I think of when I'm alone

He's my everything

A/N: Some of these are about Harry. He is my inspiration, my love, my everything. He's the reason why I'm still here. But some of these are about my thoughts and it's good to let it out on here.
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12:38 am
Killed my old self but the new me isn't much better

12:40 am
the girl who laughs and talks a lot and seems very happy, is also the girl who may cry herself to sleep

12:46 am
When I'm upset.
I shut myself down.
I have no motivation for anything.
I tell myself that nobody cares,
even though I know some do.
I think about all of the negative things

I could possibly think of.
I give myself all the pain,
thinking I deserve it.
I'm not sure why I do that,
but that's just how I am.

1:53 pm
How is it you never noticed that you are slowly killing me

1:55 pm
you can't cry
when you're already empty

2:07 pm
if you're laying in bed
wrapped up in sheets
of miserable thought,
go to sleep

if thumbing through old messages
only causes your heart to ache
and long for something unattainable
erase them

if it hurts to keep
everything you're feeling
bottled up inside
let it out

if you're clinging onto someone
that doesn't treat you like
you're worth the world
let them go

because sometimes
we choose to believe
that things are only
indistinguishable shades of gray
when in reality,
life is more black and white
than it seems
if you're unhappy
with the way
you are living your life
change it

I've been through hell and back. I have blemishes and bruises, marks that can't be erased. But life will not defeat me. I am still standing. For now, that is enough.

My heart is absolutely shattered and I guess I have no one else to blame but myself.

I'm tired of seeing you around school happy when I'm still heartbroken.

Love me or leave earth and my heart.
I don't want to be your sometimes.
I don't want whatever this modern dating is, whatever the world labels half-love, half-assed, non-commitment, because I don't want to waste time with someone who isn't all in.

I don't want casual. I want something real. I want to fall in love with someone who wants to learn every part of me, who asks about my past and wonders about my future, who lays down and listens to the stories that run through my mind. I want to fall in love with someone who is curious, who wants to discover parts of me I didn't know I was hiding, and unfold his secrets out to me, one by one.

I want to fall in love with someone who isn't scared to fall.
Someone who knows what he wants, and knows that he wants us. Who isn't too afraid to step forward, to reach for my hand, to claim me as his.

I want to fall in love with someone who is passionate.

Someone who won't settle for only seeing me from 'time to time' or when he's bored, but someone who will initiate plans as much as I will. Who won't back out last minute. Who won't just call when it's late at night and he's a few drinks in.