I've delt with depression basically my whole life, I can't really do much about it except try my best to be positive. Life has been pretty hard, I'm not gonna lie.
Someone that notices the small things like how my voice gets faster and gets a little higher pitched when I get excited about something, and finds that adorable. and other little things too. Someone that calls me just to tell me they were thinking about me. and I know that person is out there, I just wish I wasn't so alone right now.
So basically, I'm at the point where I can shrug and say, well that sucks. But there's nothing I can do.
But right now my depression is getting really bad and I'm feeling really suicidal.
I just feel really alone right now and I feel like I'm just this huge fuck up that can't do anything right. I just keep pushing all of those friends farther away, I have no one to talk to. I'm trying to get a therapist again, I know I need it. Also, all this stuff happening has been making my anxiety act up too and I have been actually throwing up because I make my stomach too upset with all of this. At this point I'm just wondering what's the point to living is because I only seem to be bringing everyone down, everyone seems like they don't want anything to do with me even though I've been nothing but nice to them and caring for as long as I've known them.
I feel like I'm just one big inconvenience, even with my family. I'm just another thing people have to spend money and time on. I apparently just bring people's moods down. I just hate feeling this way. My stomach is constantly upset now, I keep getting adrenaline rushes whenever someone actually talks to me, and I get scared to death every time someone talks to me because I don't want to fuck it up like I keep doing lately. My depression just keeps telling me I'm worthless and just an inconvenience and I feel like it would just be easier for everyone if I just killed myself.
All I ever wanted was to make other people happy, to love someone and be loved, and to be happy. I never wanted anything more than that but no matter what I do I just get walked all over and treated like shit. My family KNOW that I'm this upset about it too, and they don't really seem to care. I've explained myself numerous times and they don't seem to want to hear me out, they just want to go on not supporting me.
Sorry, I've just been talking in circles but as I've said before, I really don't have anyone to talk to about it anymore.
And apparently no one really cares anyway, they would rather not be brought down.
It's fucking stupid though, I'm ALWAYS here for them when THEY'RE upset but as soon as I get upset they book it. What the fuck is that?
I feel like I'm just a piece of shit. I feel worthless and unloved. I feel broken and unwanted. I feel like I will never be happy, and that scares me.
I don't know what to do to get out of this place that I'm at, I don't know how to fix these friendships. I don't have any sort of guide book to this.
I hate that I have to wake up every day feeling this way because no one gives two shits about me. I feel like an old used up doll that's been thrown away because they got bored with me and I got a little dirty.
I feel worthless, and I don't see the point to live anymore if I'm just an inconvenience to everyone around me. I don't see the point in building up friendships or relationships only to have this happen all over again. I get close to people, and then everything just gets fucked up like this. I don't know if I want to go through this pain again. I just want ONE person that won't leave... one.
Why should I go on living? What's the point? I don't see any place for me in this world. I have no one, and no one wants me.
