Gone

Chapter 37: But You Can't

Niall kissed me. I closed my eyes and he pulled back. "Charlie." I bit my lip and felt the tears run down my face. "Charlie say something please," he spoke again. I shook my head and wiped away the tears from my cheek. I opened my mouth but no words came out. I looked at him in the eyes both of us more hurt then before. I reached my hand up. I wasn't sure yet if I wanted to slap him with it.

I touched his lips softly and walked away from the door frame. I walked to my room and closed the door behind me. I pulled out two duffel bags and started packing them. "You don't have to leave," Niall said from the door and I jumped a little. I turned around and he was leaning against the door frame.

"Yes I do Niall," I said quietly.

"Listen Charlie I'm sorry ok. I didn't mean to offend you or startle you in anyway. But you don't have anywhere to go so stop packing," he said nicely. I walked over to him and stood in front of him.

"I really want to slap you right now. But you're my best friend and I'm going through one of the worst heart breaks of my life so all I want you to do is hold me and tell me I'm going to be ok." He smiled a little. "I still want to slap you." His smile left.

"Stop packing and let me pour you a cup of coffee so we can talk about this," he said. I leaned my head against his chest and built up the last of my strength. He wrapped his arms around me but not tightly. He patted my back and we walked into the kitchen.

He poured us both coffee and I sat at the table waiting. I looked at my best friend who I had to hurt right now. I had to rip his heart out and tell him that I could never love him. I had to break it and since I'm still his friend I had to stay here and help him put it all back together.

"So listen Charlie I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel that I was taking advantage of you, or that I wanted to use your broken heart in my favor. I ... I've just been in love with you for so long I guess I couldn't hold it anymore. Everything that Ryder said was right. No girl is ever going to be you. No girl is ever even going to compare to you in my head. I love you Charlie and I want to be that guy who fixes your broken heart. I want to love you until your better and hope that one day you could love me too." He sat down across from me at the table. I looked down at my coffee. It was black. I didn't add any cream or sugar.

"Niall you can't love me. You can't love me like that ever. I'm so sorry," my voice cracked and I fought back the tears, "you're my best friend. I don't ever want to lose you, but I'm in love with Harry. I'm always going to be in love with Harry. I don't want to break your heart and I never want to see you cry but I'm never going to love you like that. Harry is one of your best friends you don't think that would hurt him too?"

"I don't want to think about him anymore."

"Then think about me. Think about what you'll be doing to me. I need you now more than anybody else. But I need you to be my friend, not anything else." he hugged me tightly.

"Sometimes I wish it was me who went to the bathroom last night, who bumped into you."

"Why? So you can be with a messed up wreck like me?"

"So I could keep you from getting to this place," he whispered.

"You can help me get out," I say and look into his eyes. He was hurt. He was so hurt and I felt every part of his pain. The pain of getting rejected. The fear of someone not wanting you.

"I fully intend to. In the most platonic way possible," he said and smiled. I smiled too.

"You're a really good guy Niall. You're going to find a girl that surpasses anything that I could be for you and fall in love so deeply. She'll be good to you like you deserve and you'll grow old together and have little children. You'll have a family and a dog and a little girl who's your princess."

"Thanks Charlie," Niall said. I rested my head back onto his chest and felt his hand brushing my hair behind my ear. I thought about all the times he had done that, all the times he had called for no reason or came running when I needed him. Had all those times been acts of being in love or just love? Was he just being a friend when he'd comfort me in the middle of the night when Harry was gone. I had come to depend on Niall in that way. I had taken advantage of his love and used it for myself. I had leaned on him and he stayed there kissing my head and rubbing my arm and telling me it's all going to be ok, he did that because he loved me so much and wanted me to be ok with him.

The next week flew by. The boys had gone for the whole week to do a few shows across sees and to do press and what not. They were trying to get the One Direction back, at least that's what I like to say. I started writing the script to the movie. I was emailing Jeromy nonstop about the script. He seemed excited to be working with me. Now I was at the airport waiting to pick Niall up. He said he didn't want to waste money on a cab and none of the other boys would drop him off.

I of course asked why Paul couldn't arrange a car for them but he just said he wanted a ride from me. So now I'm sitting in a crowded airport waiting for the boys to come in. I pull out my phone and look at some texts I had. Nothing important. I deleted my Instagram and twitter again. They were overrun with #ripbabydirection and #prayforbellamoon. I mean they were sweet gestures but I felt it better to grieve in silence.

I looked up from my phone and saw Niall walking out of the gate. I got up and walked towards him. "How was my homeland?" I asked walking over to him.

"Nowhere near as good as mine," he said and gave me a hug.

"Well then maybe next time you should stay here and I go to America." I look over his shoulder and see the rest of the boys walking out of the gate. Louis waved at me and smiled then walked one way. Liam came out and saw me he waved too and followed Louis. Then Harry and Zayn walked out. Harry holding a bag and Zayn with a backpack on. Niall let go of me and turned to face the approaching Harry and Zayn.

"You ok with this?" Niall asked in my ear. I nodded. I had to see him again sooner or later. Harry walke over to us.

"Hey Charlie," Zayn said and gave me a hug. I hugged him back. I looked at Harry and he looked at me back.

"Hey Harry," I say and force a smile.

"Hey," he said back shortly. Niall wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I leaned on him for support.

"Well I guess we should be going," Niall said and I almost thanked the heavens. Awkward situations are almost unbearable without that man.

Niall and I turned around but Harry caught my hand. I turned and looked at him. "It's nice to see you Charlie," Harry said. I looked at his full stature. He was thinner, paler, his eyes looked like they were about to fall out do to exhaustion and his face was beginning to get thin.

"It's nice to see you too Harry," I say with a genuine smile this time. He lets go of my hand and I turn and walk away with Niall.