Gone

Chapter 32: Aftermath

“Umm ok let me think. I think she would’ve been 5’9. She would’ve had long curly auburn hair and big green eyes. She would have to large dimples and I nice figure… I guess that’s the hard part right? In my head I just keep thinking about how she would’ve been. I think about everything she’s missing out on. Then I think about her twin and how they’ll never get to have each other. I just keep thinking what’s wrong with me? Why couldn’t I take care of my own babies…?” I looked at the clock on the wall. It was 2:38. I still had an hour and twenty two minutes to talk.

“Have you accepted yet that it’s not your fault?” Ms. Lynx asked. I looked at her then back at the clock. My eyes scanned around the room.

There was a wooden bookcase against the left back corner of the room. In the other corner there was a door. A couch was placed against the right wall and a window parallel to it. She was sitting in a big chair, it looked comfortable. I was on I love seat. My feet pulled under my body. I looked at the light blue walls and inhaled the scent of lemon and vanilla.

“Why did you choose blue for the walls?” She didn’t answer. I let out a breath and look at her. “Have you ever been married or do you have any kids?” I asked her and she shook her head. “Then you don’t understand. Everything is your fault no matter what. It’s a different responsibility then. All you want to do is keep her safe and warm. Make sure she’s never sad and when you can’t do that, when you can’t promise her another tomorrow then you have no one else to blame. Now why did you choose blue for the walls?”

“Blue is supposed to be calming. Now explain to me how you felt after your friend Mickey died.” She brought up Mickey a lot. I think it’s because she was a death I experienced that wasn’t related to me.

“I felt empty, cheated, but maybe that’s because I had been cheated on that night. It just hurt you know. People aren’t supposed to die like that. They’re supposed to grow old and have grandchildren. It felt like the world hated me. There was just so much pain and all I wanted to do was talk to someone and when I realized that I couldn’t it hurt ten times worse.”

“What about getting engaged with Harry how did that feel?”

“That was one of the best feelings of my life,” I looked down at my ring and it was suddenly heavy. “I knew that I could love him forever. I think that people have a better concept of forever after someone dies though. You have to learn that they’re not going to be there anymore for the rest of your life. No more smiles, no more memories. I can’t call and ask how your day is going. I’m never going to be able to brush my daughter’s hair or rock her to sleep. She’s never going to call me up and ask about boy problems. It’s so much easier for humanity to understand losing something. Its human nature to want, so when you lose it, it’s a lot easier to know it’s gone.  death is just so permanent. You can’t sign a paper and say hey you’re not dead anymore like you can with divorce. It’s just forever... I guess it’s more like never. I think never is easier to understand then forever.”

“You said as a parent you’re responsible for keeping your child safe. Is that why you blame Harry?” I looked back up at the clock and the down at the ground. “Ms. Walker.”

“I don’t blame Harry,” I couldn’t even convince myself of that.

“You don’t, or you can’t?” she asked.

“I don’t! I don’t blame him for anything. What happened was out of his control!”

“Then why do you blame yourself?” she asked. I felt a tear running down my eye. “Charlie answer me.” I still waited. “Charlie.” She said firmly.

“Because it’s my fault! Because everything I managed to love gets taken away from me! It’s me, it’s my fault. I can’t love something without it leaving. The world or the universe I don’t know hates me or maybe I didn’t deserve her that’s why she was taken away, that’s why my mom died, that’s why Mickey isn’t here right now and that’s why Harry doesn’t sleep in the same bed as me at night. Because I’m not meant to be loved! Isn’t that fucking obvious? I’ve been coming here for the last month and your fancy degrees haven’t led you to that conclusion! I am dangerous! Everything I love leaves me! The sooner I learn to stop loving the better!” I exploded. Tears were running down my face now.

I got up and grabbed my purse. I wrapped my coat around my body and put on my hat. “Where are you going Charlie?” Ms. Lynx asked standing up.

I walked to the door. “It’s four o’clock. I’ll see you in two days,” I say and walk out. The ride home was long and dark. Rain hadn’t stopped for about a week now.

I miss the California sun. It’s always gloomy and wet. Nothing good comes out of the sky, ever. I walked into the house and no one was there. I walked to my chair and sat down.  I looked out the window at the rain. Everything flooded in.

 Lately pain has been coming in waves, or tsunamis more to say. Sometimes I’m numb to everything. I’ll forget I’m even alive.  Other times everything bad hits me at once. Pain surges through my whole body and it is so overbearing. Now was one of those time.

I sat there alone, frozen just taking in the agonizing pain that washed over me. Tears streamed down my face but I couldn’t move my hands to stop them. My vision blurred and eventually everything went to black, since the human body isn’t able to endure that much torture.

I woke up to Harry walking into the door. I looked at my phone. It was almost two o’clock in the morning. “Where were you?” I asked still waking up.

“Um recording ran late,” he said and dropped his keys down on the coffee table. I stood up and pushed my hair out of my face.

“Is it starting again Harry?” I ask watching him take off his shoes.

“Is what happening again? I was at the studio Charlie.”

“No you weren’t Harry. You weren’t at the studio. You smell like Hollywood Blvd at three am. Your clothes are damp with sweat and your eyes are so lazy, it’s like you’re not here right now. So please tell me is this who you’re going to become?” I ask calmly. Harry shoots me a look of sadness mixed with being tired.

“I don’t know who I could possibly be becoming,” Harry slurred a little.

I picked up a magazine off of the coffee table and threw it at him. “That guy Harry! Are you going to become this rock star who stays out all night getting drunk! Are you going to leave me here alone? I can’t do that, not now, not again!”

“Charlie,” he said and walked over to me.

“No. Please just, just tell me because I’ve told you when we first met. I don’t do the whole rock star thing. Not then, not ever,” I say calming down. Tears began to pour down my face.

“Charlie, I’m sorry,” he whispered and placed his hands lightly on my shoulder. I could smell the alcohol in his breath. His touch was cold and froze my skin. All the heat was gone.

“I’m tired. Goodnight Harry,” I say and walk away from his back to my room. I close the door knowing that I wouldn’t be sleeping tonight at all. I leaned against the door and let the tears run down my face. They weren’t going to stop. Not tonight. Not ever.