When we first met . . .

Chapter 18🥀

"come on, Lili. Wait up." I hear Michel's voice behind me.

"what do you want from me?" I turn around.

"to talk to you. I'm sorry. I don't know what happened to me. I'm sorry I didn't stand up for you." he says. I don't respond. "can we go back and just sit, and talk? I feel like we haven't talked in a while." he adds

"no. I don't think so."

"Come on Lili"

"Michel, we're not friends. We've never been friends. I want to be alone" I tell him. and with that, I decide not to go to the dorms and I just turn around and walk to the shop. I could use a coffee.

"where are you going?" he yells after me. "I told you I want to be alone" I yell back.

I get to the shop, thank god my wallet was on me.

"Can we please talk?" Michel sits next to me as I sit down with my coffee.

"look, I'm sorry. I really don't know why I froze and didn't come to help you sooner." I sigh. "It's fine, I don't care anymore. I'm just so tired. Everything is so different and... broken lately."

"with your guy?" I laugh. My guy... that's funny.

"no. well... yes, maybe." I shake my head. "It's completed."

"Look if this is about the whole kiss thing," I want to stop him but before I can manage to do so he continues. "yes you kissed me. But it was only so Darren will leave you alone and not harass you.. right?" He asks.

"Yes. That was the only reason" I tell him honestly. "Well, then you don't need to worry about it, your guy will forgive you." he tries to make me feel better. He can see that I really care about Shawn. And that I didn't mean any of this to happen.

"Yeah but.. I could have done so many other things at that moment. And I chose to kiss you. I need to tell him. I did a mistake. I just hope he will forgive me." Michel nods.

I want to laugh again. I don't even know if we are 'together' ... oh my god. This is just- I can stop myself and I start giggling. I stare at my cup of coffee, remembering how he remembered how I drink my coffee. Oh and that photo he sent me. He is so sweet and nice... and I'm so messed up and confused.

"I'm going to call him" I suddenly say. when I realize what I actually say I decide that's a good idea. I take a deep breath mentally preparing myself for this.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," I tell Michel

I take my coffee and I walk out of the shop to sit and a bench a bit far away so if Michel walks out he won't hear anything. I know I need to call Shawn and tell him. Well, first of all, to ask him what exactly are we.

I sit there, drinking my coffee slowly. Thinking about what to say and how am I supposed to do this when Suddenly my phone rings and He's calling me on face time. How fucking convenient...

I take another deep breath and I wipe the few tears that escaped from the nerves. I inhale and I answer his call. I need to able to say what I need to say.

"Hey, how's it going? I missed you" the camera opens and the first thing I see is his huge grin, he's half lying down half sitting with his hand behind his head on the bed, his hair all messy and perfect and he's wearing a dark blue sweater that really looks good on him."Are you ok?" He asks concerned.

"Shawn I need to ask you a question." I stare at him through the screen. "And tell you something," I say, my voice breaking.

"Are you ok? What happened?" He adjusts himself by sitting up.

"Why are you dressed like that..?" He giggles. I look down at myself. Oh, I forget I'm wearing the birthday shirts, it's bright blue and it's so tight. Michel and I decided to wear this last-minute... I wore this for the surprise we wanted to do for Alex but that kind of went out of control.

"It kinda turns me on.," he says with a low seductive voice. We both giggle.

"You don't look bad yourself," I say smiling, my eyes all puffy.

"I kissed someone" I snap. Oh, the look on his face. He is not smiling anymore. The tears that I tried to hold back are streaming down my face.

"What?" He looks hurt. His face! Oh no. I did this to him. He's sad because of me.

"What do you mean, you kissed someone?" He asks with a soft voice.

"My crazy ex-boyfriend showed up out of nowhere. and he tried to get back together with me. But I didn't want to." I take a breath "I still don't want to. I have you! I want... well you" I say, tears are falling down my cheeks. I watch Shawn's face slowly turning soft pink and his eyes slowly shut in pain.

"I told him I have a boyfriend." Did I just call him my boyfriend? "But I wasn't sure if I could tell him or actually anyone about us. I didn't want to hurt you or invade your privacy. And honestly, I had I mean, have no idea what are we... do I call you my boyfriend? " The look on his face. It's killing me "ok, so back to the story he didn't believe me, That I have you. So for him to believe me that I have a boyfriend." I start to mumble. "I kissed someone." I can barely say the words it sounds so stupid when I say it like that.

"Wait, So you are blaming me? Are you serious?!" He looks so hurt and mad. And to my surprise, his voice is still very soft.

"What? No Shawn." I didn't mean it like that. "shit... Listen to me, I know I did a mistake. I know that I messed up. I'm sorry. I don't blame you for anything, I just couldn't deal with Darren, I mean, my ex.  I— I—"

He is about to say something. I'm really afraid of what he might say.

"I don't— I— I don't know why to say," he says. He looks devastated.

"Shawn. Please... just" he cuts me off. "Just.. don't say anything."

"No. you'll listen to me. I did a mistake. I fucked up. I know that. What I don't know is what are we?"

"what do you mean?" he asks his voice still surprisingly soft.

"Are we exclusive? Like are we really dating? I don't know what's happening with us. I don't how famous people do this. I don't want to pressure you, but I'm starting to develop feelings for you. And I need to know."

"what?" He is confused and so am I.

"Shawn I'm sorry. Ok. Please. I just I'm so confused with everything. You're acting like we are dating and all but is that what you really want? Me? You can have whoever the fuck you want, why me? I don't get it." I hope he didn't hear that.

"Hey, Shawn come on. we need to go" someone yells from the background. Please don't go. Please don't leave me.

"I'll be there in a sec" he yells back.

"so you kissed this guy to sabotage whatever we have between us because you think you're not enough for me?" what? I stare at him, not understanding.

"I-"

"well, that's my job. Let me decide who's good enough for me. I  care about you, Lili. And I need some time to think about this. ok? Don't do anything like this again. ok? I called you because I wanted to. If I wanted to talk to some superstar I would've called a superstar. I chose you. Ok?"

"I'm so so sorry for what I did. I don't know what happened to me. I'm really sorry."

"Yeah, Look I need to go, let's talk later" He looks at me one last time and ends the face time not waiting for my response.

Fuck.