When we first met . . .

Chapter 32🥀

Wait let me get this straight. "So you think because of his fans we- I mean they will break up? Don't you think Shawn is better and stronger than that?" fear is corrupting me taking over my body as I wait for her answer.

"Oh, he definitely is. But this girl... she has no idea... she will break up with him in 3? maybe 4 minutes. She kind of looks like you, you know?"

"what?" I choke on air.

"Are you okay? You look weird. relax. It's not like you're the one dating him... I just said she kind of looks like you, not that it's you. I know that even he was here now asking you out you would probably say no..." She laughs at her own unfunny joke. "Everything is going to be just fine. Come on... let's just go back to check on Alex and Rachel."

"Yeah... ok" I'm horrified. we both get up and start walking back to the dorm.

"Hey, isn't your boyfriends' name is also Shawn... that's funny" she says right before we walk in the room.

"So funny" I'm fucked. My head is spinning.

The moment we walk in I run to the bathroom, I'm about to throw up. I don't. I just sit there not knowing what to think. I text Shawn. I need to talk to him about this. He was right. This is too much. I didn't think about his fans. They will hate me. Everyone is going to hate me now.

-          "Hey, So I just saw that a few pictures of us from last month at the trampoline house got leaked...." –

Please don't panic, I tell myself. I suddenly feel bad and worried about Shawn. This is must feel worse for him. It's him for sure, you can see his face. My face is covered by my long hair so you can't recognize me.

Oh fuck. He is calling me. I wait for a second, taking a deep breath before I answer his call.

"Hello?" I whisper.

"Hey, ok look. First of all, don't panic." How did he know I was panicking?

"Everything is going to be just fine." He repeats.

"Ok.." I take a deep breath.

"Ok..." I hear his breath. It sounds like he wants to say something but he's holding back. "We need to decide. What are we going to do next" fuck I knew it. He is going to break up with me

"Just say if quickly," I tell him.

"What do you mean?"

"Break up with me. Do it" I challenge him.

"Are you kidding me?" I hear his laughter. I deny what I know. "I didn't mean it sounds like I'm about to break up with you." He says.

"Then what did you mean?" I ask.

"I meant... Do you want to tell everyone we are together? Or do you still want to keep this as a secret... privet"This Is Not What I expected.

What am I supposedly say? This is a huge decision.  "before you answer. You don't have to say you want to go public if you don't want to. I mean... I don't want you to go and tell the world about this if you don't feel comfortable. There is going to be a lot of talking about this.. you know since I've never really dated a girl out In public.."

"I— I— I don't know." How am I supposed to know what to do? "I haven't told my friends or my parents or no one. I didn't want this to be hard for you. I thought you would want to keep this privet..." He needs to tell me how he feels. "But whatever you think is the right thing to do we'll do. You know this is your life too." I say terrified he'll say he wants to go public.

"Listen, Lili, I'm sorry for I said earlier. Truth is I'm not ready for this to go public. I would love to say we're dating, to show everyone how lucky I am to have you. To kiss you in public... to not be scared when I come over to your campus that someone might see me... even though I haven't been there in a while... I would love to show you off. But again... only if you feel like that's what you want. I mean... I'm scared a little. After what Andrew told me, I just... don't want to ruin what we have."

I don't want this to go public. We are together for less than a month. I think about what Maya said, I'll be hated, people will talk about me, the Mendes army...

"I don't know, this is a really hard decision..." I'm panicking again.

"I think we should just go public." Isn't it a bit early thought? I don't want this. I just don't. He was right. This is too much for me to handle.

"I don't want to," I say.

I need to show him that I fully support him. But I can't. I'm way too scared. I'm terrified. I don't care how selfish I am right now. I don't want to.

"You don't want to?" he asks.

"Look, I'm sorry. I just. I can't do this. You were right. This is too much for me."

"Ok... just relax. Do you want to come over so we can talk about this?"

"no," I tell him.

I hear his gasp from the other side of the phone. "I can't. I have classes tomorrow and I'm with the girls, I can't ditch them again."

He sighs. "Can we just not talk about it?" I ask.

"About what?"

"About the pictures. Let's just ignore them. Can you do that?"

"I'll need to ask my manager." He says.

"yeah ok." 

"Look, I don't want to freak you out, and I know you haven't told your friends, and that everything that is happening to us, you are going through alone, so if you want, you can just tell your friends and family for now. I don't think Andrew would agree for me to talk about this to the public yet as well. So just tell your friends, and please don't freak out."

"You want me to tell my friends?" Holly shit.

"Yeah, just... tell them not to talk about it with other people." He says. Is he serious? before I can stop, I find myself over the toilet throwing up. What the hell?

"Are you ok?" he asks through the phone.

I get up. I flush the toilet. "Yes, I'm just not feeling good. I think I'm just scared and today has been a long day." I tell him honestly.

"Ok, look room service is here, I need to go. I'll talk to you later. Please don't freak out over this. And if you need me just call."

"ok. Bye"

He hangs up.

I wash my face and hands and walk out of the bathroom to see Maya Alex and Rachel sitting on the couch looking at Alex's phone.. oh no, not this. Not now. Jesus.

"Ok guys..." I think I'm gonna throw up again. My head is spinning and all I really want is to take a long shower and go to sleep.
But I hold myself.

"are you ok? Did you throw up?" Alex asks looking at me. They are all looking at me. Giving me all the attention.

I have to do this. It's now or never. I need to tell them. I'm terrified as fuck, but Shawn is right. I can't go through all this by myself. I need my friends with me. "I need to tell you something... can you call Ben and Jeremy.."

"Is everything ok?" Maya asks getting up walking over to me. "Yes. Just call them, I have something I want to tell you guys."

"Ok" Rachel picks her phone and calls them.