When we first met . . .

Chapter 46🥀- flashback part 3

~ Flashback ~

I said goodbye to my dad told him I'll be back in an hour maybe even later and reminded him to leave me a key if I won't see him before he goes over to Jhon's place. I drove back, packed a bag for the night to spend at my dad's. Shawn hasn't called yet. I don't know if I should call him or not. This situation is really confusing for me. I never fought with Shawn before so I don't really know how to react at a fight with him. Should I give him space? Should I not? I just don't know.

I'm on my way to the shop to meet May and my phone rings, thinking it must be Mays so I answer without looking at the caller ID.

"Hi, I'm on my way," I say. "What?" This is not Maya's voice. I look at my screen. Stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, deciding I should go sit down. Shawn called. Finally. This is going to be ugly. I know it.

"I'm sorry I thought someone else was calling me." I hear his breathing. It's soothing.

"Look, I know I overreacted a bit. I don't know what to do in this situation. This never happened to me before. And I want to be there for you. That's why I think you should come over to the hotel and we should talk and try to figure things out. I told the people at the set that I need to finish early today." He says.

"You what?" I gasp at his words "Yeah, Andrew is kind of pissed at me, But I honestly don't care. I don't want to go on tour feeling like this. I don't want to go on tour and just leave you here with all this shit. And I don't want you to handle this on your own. So can you come over tonight and we'll talk about this and figure it out?" He is waiting for my response, but I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss of words.

"I'm flying at noon tomorrow. My flight is at 3 p.m. I need to go to the airport at about 12 p.m. So if you want you can stay the night."  He offers. I can hear that he cried on his voice. Honestly, that just breaks my heart. I did this. I ruined his life.

I want to just- I wish I could come tonight and talk to him and kiss him and try to make things better but I can't, because of Maya. What am I going to do?

"I can't tonight," I say feeling like the worst person on earth. Shawn doesn't reply he just sighs. "Maya, one of my friends," I explain. "She found out her Ex is gay. And they are living in the same dorm. So she asked me to stay with her the night at my dad's" I say.

"So, we aren't going to talk about this? At all? I'm just gonna go on tour and what? You are going to raise some other guy's baby? If that's how things are going to go then maybe we should break up." He says. I freeze. Tears are streaming down my eyes before I can even digest what he just said.

Did I just imagine that he said that? Or did he really? My heart breaks. I feel it shattering into a million pieces inside me.

"I didn't mean to say that.  Fuck" I hear his high pitched voice cursing. "I'm just frustrated. I want us to talk and to figure things out but I'm flying tomorrow, I'm going back on tour and you are pregnant and I have no idea what to do now." He says sounding completely helpless.

I can barely speak. I' trying to hold myself together, but the pain from his words hit me and I can't shake them off. I never ever felt like this. "Maybe... we.. should," I say through my tears, my voice barely audible.

"No Lili you don't mean that. I'm sorry I never should have said that. But I just feel like, we need to discuss this and I can't do that over the phone especially not now... I'm in the middle of a photoshoot for fuck's sake. I told them I'm going to use the bathroom. Never mind." He sighs, sounding so desperate. "Just Listen, what do you want me to do? Tell me what you want me to do. And I'll do it" he says.

"I don't know what I want you to do," I whisper. I'm taking a deep breath trying to speak normally. "You know what?! I think I need some time to breath" I say. I feel like I can't breathe. I don't know what to tell him. I really don't know what I'm supposed to say anymore. This is so fucked up. I can't do this right now. I hang up the phone throwing it to the grass far away from me, regret doing it the second I threw it.

I can't let Maya see me like this, I go pick up my phone from the grass and walk back to where I sat. I text her.

-          "I'll meet you at the car bring me an Iced cappuccino with a dash of cinnamon. Thanks" -

What? It's a hot day today.

I walk back to the car, pushing back my tears. I sit in Alex's car, not caring I forgot to ask permission to take her car for the night.

Did I just break up with Shawn? Why did I say that? My tears threatening to come back.

I try to call him. I did a mistake. I need to fix this. I need to talk to him.

He isn't answering... I just ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don't know much time has passed when Maya knocks on the window scaring the shit out of me. I'm cleaning my face and wiping tears with my sleeve before I take the window down and she hands me my coffee. "Thank you," I say. She goes to the other side getting in the car outing her seatbelt on.

"How are you?" I ask. Stupid question. She's probably a mess. Just like I am right now. No. I try to blink the tears away, If she sees me crying, she'll ask why and I can't tell her why. Because then I'll have to tell her we had a fight, and what it was about, and to tell her I think we broke up.. but no. We didn't. We can't. I don't want to break up with him. Please.

"I think I'm fine. I'm just glad I don't need to stay the night with him." She says.

"Yeah.. totally," I say trying to sound sympathectomy. I wish I could stay the night with him, I mean, with Shawn.