Poems (collection 1.0)

Scars

Are you alright?
Are you ok?
No

I'm not

But what I say is:
I'm fine
It's good

I'm just tired
I'm just busy

But what I want to say is
That I want to scream
But I can't
So I listen to loud screaming through my headphones and pretend

They see the lines in my skin
But they don't see them all
The long sleeves and pants cover them
Don't you get hot?
Yes
But I am a shameful person
And I like to hide
What is the heat
Next to all else that I must endure?

The lines on my skin tell a story
It's surreal
Was that me?
How'd those get there?
A knife
And a hand
Connected to an arm
Laden with nerves
Burdened with the message
That my brain sent out
The quota my hand must fulfill
It cannot disobey
But my brain does not know
What it has done
That these lines
However shallow
Will remain
You can't see them
But I can
I can feel them
On my knees
And my thighs
And my arms
And wrists and ankles
The bruises too
Dark spots
How'd you get those?
I don't know
I'm sure
I just
Bumped into something
I can hardly remember
The way I squeezed my forearm tightly
Between two fingers
Did I do that?
Whatever
I pull on my pants
In the heat of summer
And smile
The smile that reaches my eyes
So no one can tell
That I'm screaming
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming
My skin is screaming
It hurts
A little
But
Not really
Mostly
I'm trying to find
Who I am
Am I there?
Underneath the skin?
Someone told me I was
They said
That I was really there
Poking my arm
They said
You're there
Underneath the skin
I can see it
I wish that I could see it too
How do you even see someone
Truly
How can you see someone who is so wrapped up in flesh
Especially when you yourself
Cannot see you
Where am I
What am I
Who am I
There is no answer
I cannot make myself to be someone
Because there has never been a person I've wanted to be but myself
But how can I be myself
If I do not know who that is
Because there is no one
To show me how
Show me how