Poems (collection 1.0)

Body pt.2

I wake up in the morning

Wondering who I am

I avoid the mirror

As best as I can

'Cause I'm afraid of what I'll see

And the feelings that I'll have

When what is staring back at me

Doesn't reflect who I feel I am

Because I'm already so confused

I don't need any more contradictions

I'm constantly being abused

By my mind's and soul's conflictions

What with all of this dysphoria

I don't know what I'm supposed to do

My heart is heavy and hurting

It's hard to explain to you

How it's like I'm connected to a dial

Not on a switch or a flip

I can't control the way it spins

I can only hope that I won't rip

Because I'm tearing into pieces

With the force of this spinning

Back and forth I go forever

This is a war I am not winning

Very often I feel so caught in the middle

Or like I've flown off the chart completely

So that I have no inkling of what I am

Or what I'm even supposed to be

How can I ever know

When I wake up with that very question on my mind

Every single day?

And if I look too deep, who knows what I'll find

sometimes despair claws its way into my heart

and if i let it in it slowly tears me apart

it's a vile, violent beast that knows it has the upper hand

and if i let it devour me i'll crumble into sand

my mind is a prison

because my body will not change

and it wants it oh so desperately

it's war i always wage

what can i do to soothe the wrath

what can i do to escape

my whole self is a cell

held together with duct tape

there's no light that i can see

there's no one coming for me

all i ever wanted was to be free

if only my mind would let me be

and whenever anyone asks

if i could have any one wish

what would i want to have

i say i want to shapeshift

so i can always be me

but on the outside i can be

a ferocious wild beast

or someone else, at least

so i never have to worry

what other people see

and if they wonder who I am

I just tell them that it's me

because then i'd be happy

to look into the mirror

i would feel so much lighter

and an awful lot freer

i could express myself better

so what you see is what you get

are you they or him or her

they can easily forget

ambiguity is my solace

my best friend and my love

i wish it would never forsake me

that it fit me like a glove

but it's an uphill battle

i'm fighting every day

what i am this morning

i can never say

either because i myself don't know

or i'm not free to tell

well, if you don't like it you can just go

straight to fucking hell