Fiction.

Chapter 33: She's Like Cold Coffee in the Morning.

Chapter 33: She’s Like Cold Coffee in the Morning.

The drive home was gruelingly long and torturous. I was mildly hung over and I was exhausted.   The grey sun light and heavy rainfall reflected how I felt, like crap. Peasnie had left her CD in the car, Ed Sheeran I believe. The song that made me go from feeling like dirt to feeling lower than dirt came on quietly. I can’t believe she’s into this British music; it’s good; better than Professor Green but still. I couldn’t help but stare out the window at a stop light while the rain fell down the glass. How could I have done that? I know it was wrong but it made me feel so right, like the whole in my chest was filled finally. There are some people in my life that’ll stay forever and some that’ll only stay for now. I just need a loving hand to help me asleep tonight.

I walked in through the front door to see Matt, Brian, Zacky and Johnny were here. They looked exhausted and worried. They were watching some TV quietly. I looked over to the couch where Peasnie was fast asleep with her phone tightly in her grasp. Her head was laid on Matt’s lap and he was calmly stroking her hair. He really looked like a dad in that moment, it made me jealous. I could barely contain it all. Everything he has makes me jealous for no reason, it’s stupid I know but he got married and now he has a child. He knew Peasnie was his even from before she was born. He knew she wasn’t mine. I pushed passed the jealousy.

I got a bunch of death glares when I came in. It was just before noon and I wasn’t wearing a shirt, not even the white one I wore under the black one. My hair was a mess and I felt horribly gross. I can’t believe I did what I did. I’m ashamed of myself for it. I swallowed hard and faced them curiously.

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked with a gruff tone, my voice made my head throb slightly. They didn’t answer me, Matt shook his head and focused back on the TV while Brian got up and went to the kitchen. Johnny sat quietly avoiding eye contact. Zack stood up and walked over to me. He pulled me aside to speak in private.

“Peasnie called us just after six this morning wondering where you were, she sounded worried. You weren’t answering your phone. Where the hell were you? What happened to you man?” Zack asked curiously, his voice hushed quietly. Great, I knew this question was going to pop up. It was only matter of time. I glanced behind him to the sleeping girl. She looked so innocent; I can’t tell her what really happened. It’ll break the both of us. She was worried about me and I did that to her.

“I made a mistake last night.” I admitted sadly my voice was quiet. Zack’s gaze became worried and sympathetic. He arched an eye brow and frowned slightly.

“What happened?” He questioned.

“Peasnie’s mom, I slept with her again, last night.” I replied softly. His expression was horrified by the words that just came out of my mouth. I felt horrible for what I did. I didn’t even wait for her to wake up, I got dressed and left. I wasn’t sticking around. I felt ashamed of what I did but I couldn’t help it, I love her. I really do, not did, do.

“It’s okay, dude. We just came over to make sure she hadn’t done something stupid.” He added quietly. It’s not okay, it’s really not. I can’t be trusted, I can’t even trust myself. It’s not right what I did. I’m a horrible person. I smiled and nodded before going up stairs to my room. The long dark hall way was like walking to death row. It was now thundering outside, the pain pelted the windows hard. My room was so fermilure and comforting. I could hear music coming from Peasnie’s room; it was a nice slow song that made my life seems so very real and serene. I think she was listening to Ed Sheeran.

When I looked in the mirror all I saw was someone who was looking for a one chance love. I’m not having much luck in that department. I’m not having much luck at all. I needn’t be complaining but Peasnie’s growing up fast and I’m terrified that I’ll be all alone at Christmas dinners.

I fixed my hair and got changed. I slid on a pair of slacks and an old Iron Maiden tee shirt. I was a mess; I had scratch marks on my body and lip stick and hickies on my neck, collar bone and chest. I was pail with shame. I couldn’t look at myself without feeling disgust. I wiped the red makeup off my body and tried to cover the bruises as best as I could.

I jumped out of my skin when I saw the lean teenage girl standing in the door way, she leaned against the door frame. She looked so tired; no makeup was on her face so she was really pail, almost dead looking. Those sunken in deep blue eyes watched me carefully as she pursed her lips, her face was blank. The long dark hair was tied messily up on her head. She wore a black tank top and grey sweats. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days.

“Where were you?” She asked blankly. I stared at her. I couldn’t do anything.

“I had a few too many drinks and so I crashed at the motel room across the street.” I replied sullenly. She didn’t seem happy with my answer; she knew something else was up. She’s like me in that way, she can sense stuff.

“And you could’ve picked up your phone to call and tell me?” She asked a good question. I stood there like a fool. I was a fool. Rosie always got her way; it was her way and her way only. She was a control freak. She still is. I hated that quality about her.

Peasnie got up off the wall and marched over to me, her hands curled into fists and they bashed against my chest angrily. I wasn’t blaming her for being upset. I was the only person she knew that she could fully trust. I broke that trust by my irresponsible actions.

 “I was worried sick about you! I thought you were dead in a ditch somewhere.” She cried at me. I grabbed hold of her wrists and wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly, she was really upset. It was my fault. I could feel her quaking body tremble in my arms as she cried softly into my chest.

“I woke up this morning expecting to find you sleeping on the couch, you weren’t there. You scared me.” Peasnie sobbed sadly. I frowned and hugged her even tighter never wanting to let her go. Seeing how hurt she is makes me feel even worse. I will never be with another girl unless I really do love her, no dating, and no one night stands. I have to be a dad, even though I’m not technically a dad. But I am her guardian, forever and always. I needed to make it up to her; I needed to make her see trust in me again.

“I’m sorry I scared you.” I whispered softly. She pulled away from me with glossy blue eyes and a quivering pink lip.

“You still could’ve called.” She whimpered sadly. I nodded and hugged her against me tightly. I wasn’t ever going to let go this time, there isn’t going to be another chance for me. I wasn’t going to let go of her. She was my every thing. I can’t let myself slip up again.