Fiction.

Chapter 15: Tour Blues.

Chapter 15: Tour Blues.

Dear Peasnie Ann Sullivan,

March 15, 2009

Happy 14th birthday, Peasnie! Jesus Christ, you’ve been a rotten teenager for a year already. Seems like just yesterday you were sleeping in my arms, all weak and defenceless and today you’re 14. Wow. I’m taking time out of my day to write to you, we’re on tour. Tomorrow we go home. I’m glad to be going home. I hope you’re just like me, having a ball with life. I hope you’re nothing like me in these next few years, I did a lot of crazy stuff that I’m not proud of but I’m not ashamed of what I did. I hope you’re doing well in school with lots of friends. I hope whatever you’re dreaming of, you go for it.

I chased a duck a while ago; the guys named it Stallion Duck. It was the biggest fucking duck I’ve ever seen. I said that catching that Stallion Duck is my dream; I want you to chase your Stallion Duck. You are a Sullivan so I know you can do it.

I’m proud of you whoever you are. I don’t care weather you’re gay, straight, bisexual. I don’t care if you’re tall or short, round or skinny. I don’t care if you’re a boy, girl or someone between. I don’t care if you paint, play music or pose for pictures. If you’re proud of you, so am I. I’m proud of you Peasnie Ann Sullivan for everything you’ve done in life and will do in life. I’m proud of you for being you.

I want you to know that I love you even though you’re far away from my arms. You’re far from my arms but close to my heart. I was watching the night sky last night and I saw the little star and big star. It reminded me of the story I told you when you were a newborn. You laid on my chest as I looked out the window at the night sky. You started to cry so I made up that story and made sure that little star found her way home.

I hope one day my little star finds her way home. I hope one day you’ll find your way back into my arms. I love you with every ounce of my existence.

Love dad. Xoxo.

PS: Catch that fucking Stallion Duck, no matter how big it is. I believe in you.

I sat at the table on the tour bus as we made our way home for the next few months so we can record. I didn’t want to waste any time with breaks, the next record needs to be out by next summer.

I looked out the window at the open road. I’ve always been a fan of the highways, they’re like my home. I guess in ways I hope that one day when I’m on the highway, we’ll stop at a gas station and there she’ll be on huge billboard advertising for some big shot label company. There is only one thing I’ve prayed for, for the last thirteen years was for God to keep her safe because I wasn’t around. I wish I was there, by her side. To hold her in my arms and make sure she’s okay. I want to be there to tell her that’s the other girls are only jealous of her looks and that she has much more to offer. I wanted to see her walk into her Kindergarten class for the first time and hold her hand. I wanted to be the only person to be true to her. Everyday I miss her, I feel lonely and tired, like my life is wasting away. My purpose in life is a million miles away. With every passing day I grow colder and lonelier. It’s been thirteen years since I’ve seen my baby girl. I wonder everyday what she’s doing and how she’s turned out. I want her to come back to the arms of her rightful owner. I want her to come back to me; there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I’ve become very successful as a musician. I’m everything I’ve wanted to be. I’m tattooed and pierced and completely badass. But there is that missing piece that pushed me into getting my act together, my baby girl.

I got up from the table, folding the paper in half. I’ll mail it to her house tomorrow when I get home. I have an address, and when I turned sixteen I went to Chicago to see them. Rosie told me never to come back to see Peasnie. Letters are fine but no visits. I’d rather to be able to write to her then to not be in her life at all. The saying is true, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I didn’t know just exactly how much I loved and cherished Peasnie until she wasn’t there. She was like my falling comet, coming down from the sky. I didn’t know how much of an impact she had until she was gone.

I smiled and looked in the bathroom mirror to see the tattoo on my hip; it both brings me joy and pain. That was the day my sunshine went away but it was also the last day I woke up with her beside me. I woke up to see her sleeping soundly beside me; I scooped her up in my arms and put her on my chest. She was heavier than when she was an infant but she was still my baby.

I jumped when I saw Zacky standing behind me with a serious expression. I turned at looked at him, examining his face carefully. He held a pink envelope that had Peasnie’s name written across it.

“The guys and I signed a birthday card.” He whispered to me softly, handing me a pink envelope. I smiled at him and nodded. They’ve bought her a card every year for her birthday and I send them away.

“I can’t believe she’s fourteen today.” I said with a small voice. Zack laughed and nodded.

“Hopefully she hasn’t made the same mistakes you have at this age.” He said. I nodded and laughed.

“Yeah, hopefully.” I replied. Zack’s smile faded then he skipped away to the front of the bus where Matt, Johnny and Brian sat. I followed him but not before I glanced down at the tattoo with a weary smile.

“Happy birthday, my little drummer girl.” I whispered down at the tattoo. I went to meet up with the guys, we were going to sit around and talk. It was getting dark outside and the sky was full of stars. I know that wherever my daughter is, she’s not afraid to be herself. I joined the guys for a few drinks. I knew Matt was a few beers deep, obviously Brian was a bit deeper than him and Johnny was working on his third. I slouched into the seat and listened to the TV playing some random channel.

“Hey Jimmy, fourteen years ago today you became a dad. Let’s hope your daughter isn’t like her mother.” Matt decided to make a toast. I laughed and nodded in agreement. I know that over the last fourteen years Rosie has slept with every one of my friends, except Johnny. I haven’t seen Rosie since ’97. I haven’t gotten a phone call or a letter since. I keep sending them though; I’m not giving up on this kid. She deserves to know her dad.

“Let’s hope she’s nothing like me either.” I added with a joking tone. The guys laughed and nodded in agreement. I was a fucking terror after Peasnie left. I was horrible and did so many stupid things but I didn’t get in trouble with the law. I stayed in school and got the education I needed. We recorded our first album senior year; Johnny didn’t join the band until seven years ago. Brian joined in ’99 and our friend Matt Wendt left soon after Brian joined. I kept drumming. I followed my dreams.