The Accident - Bad Boy's Girl

Chapter 42

Oscar's POV

Today was the day, the day Spencer was getting out of hospital, the day I had wished for the second she moved to the hospital. But this wasn't the reason why I wanted her out. This wasn't going to be a happy day; Isla was going to see her own mother dying. This was the day Spencer Wren Montgomery was going to die, the 13th of September. The same day we met. It had been her decision, & one that I had to warm up for, for months. She wished to die outside of the hospital, around family. I had since dreaded this day, I didn't want her to die. I don't think I could live without her. I don't think I could care for Isla by myself. I- I didn't know what I'd do. When I entered her hospital room, I didn't think I'd be able to stay in there. All those cords connected to her, I didn't know if she was even alive. I slowly walked up to her, gently holding her right hand which had wires connected to her fingers. "Spencer?" I got no response, I could feel the tears building up. These past few months are the most I've ever cried in my whole life, I was either crying, drinking or punching something & on top of that, going through depression, again. I couldn't eat & just watching Isla do the same thing was killing me as well. All these sleepless nights, I was having a year off college, something I should've also done when I knew Isla was born, I should've been there, here, helping Spence this way, not the way I thought she wanted, needed. Although, I did take a small break after she was born, just before her due date. It turned out I left too late, I missed the moment of my little girl's birth. I had been thinking a lot during those sleepless nights. All the stupid mistakes I've caused, all the hurt I've caused to my family, to Spence. I couldn't handle it, if I didn't have Isla, I would've killed myself the moment I knew Spencer wasn't going to make it. I didn't deserve that little girl, or Spencer, or anyone else I have in my life. I deserve to be alone, depressed & suicidal. This stupid emotion called love, why did I ever have to experience it. Firstly, with Karla, then with Spencer. Look at what it's done, all the stuff I've done because of it, all the shit I've done to Spence, all the fucked up shit, & yet she stupidly stayed with me. I looked at her face, her eyes were closed, her pale lips closed together & the slight expansion of her nostrils when she breathed out. She was so beautiful, even with the lack of colour, a shaved head with my beanie on her head for warmth, even in that hospital clothing, even without her fake face that everyone calls make-up. I felt one of her fingers move but her face stayed rested. I sighed a breath out, & looked at her hand in mine. Someone rested their hand on my left shoulder which startled me, making me jump slightly. "Are you ready Mister Hades?" A nurse's voice sounded from behind me. I couldn't say anything, so I just nodded. Isla had gotten the day off school so she was already at home, waiting to see her mother for the first time in months. I got a slight thumb movement from Spencer on the back of my hand & as I looked up at her face again, there was a slight smile. I couldn't do this; why did I think I could? As nurses were moving her bed & the life support machine keeping her alive to an exit of the hospital, I still had her right hand in mine. A moment passed when I had the slight hope she could still survive, but it left as quickly as it came. This was the last day I'd ever see her alive, ill yes, but alive. That thought really crushed me. Every single test, & treatment had failed, I was so angry, she was too young for this pain. The only place I'll be able to see her is at a graveyard, where she'll be 6 feet under. No, I had to stop these thoughts, I could finally see why mum went off to Hymen's. Dad was never around but I knew mum was still sickly in love with him & I missed him so much but when he died, mum just broke, she wouldn't leave her bed & then strange people came & took her away. I couldn't let that happen with Isla or myself, I needed to stay strong, for Isla. The next movement I got from Spencer then happened, she squeezed my hand. That stupid quote "This girl is killing me" popped into my head & it was true, she was killing me but Isla was keeping me alive. But there were a lot of times, when Spencer was keeping me alive. All those early months with being with her, I had painkiller tablets in my bedside cabinet, too many times I had thoughts, & then the thought of Spencer came. I had them hidden so when mum & her were going through my room, throwing a lot of things away, they threw that little wooden box away, they didn't have nor know where the key to open the tiny lock on it was, that it was in my old phone's case. As we walked out outside the building, the blast of cold air brought me back to reality. Turns out Spencer was just sleeping & I saw her looking up at me. Her cloudy eyes staring into mine. I couldn't look at her, so I closed my eyes & turned away. "Oscar." She managed to say, I wanted to look at her but I couldn't. "Don't waste your breath on me." In the corner of my eye I could see how difficult it was for her to breath, her stomach wasn't smoothly going up then down, but it was choppy you could say, it would quickly stop then start, then stop then start again, either going up or down. "Oscar." She said a little more strongly. "What is it Spencer?" I closed my eyes to blink but didn't open them, surely she knows how hard this is for me. "You'll be okay after this won't you? You- you won't have to go to Hymen's or anything, right? You'll look after Isla, stay in college." I dropped my head. "I won't be anywhere near okay." All those times when I walked away from her, those 7 something months in a row without seeing her were 7 something months wasted, time not well spent. I still remember that New Year's Eve night, how she really wanted me to call or text her, & I didn't, I did nothing of the sort. Spencer was just rubbing the back of my hand, trying to signify to me that it'll be alright, but I couldn't see even the slightest possibility that it could. The person I had fallen in love with all these years ago, the person I still love even on her death bed, the person that kept the willingness to live in me, the person I got pregnant, the- the person who is the mother to my 6 year old, she is going to die today, I can't find a single 'okay' or 'alright' thing about it. "How are you smiling?" I asked her. "Because I'm thinking back on all the good memories. Even though I'm going, I need to stay positive, & you should be as well. Don't think that I'm dying, think about the times we've been through, I don't know, but anything apart from that I'm not going to see the sun tomorrow." She was smiling the biggest smile. "So what are you thinking about right now?" I asked. "About how I'm going to see my daughter that I haven't seen in months, about how I'm not going to die in an uncomfortable hospital bed, about-" she chuckled a bit "See, it's something that happens without you knowing, you're smiling beautiful." & she was right, without knowing it, I was smiling. We had gotten to the vehicle & the nurses were putting the life support machine in. "I'm not the beautiful one Spence." Even though there was a tube going down her throat, I kissed her carefully, still holding her hand. I was determined to hold onto her hand until the end, I needed to touch her for as long as possible.