I had a rough life since the day I was born. I've been attempting to overcome hardships one after another after another with no break in between. I had my heart broken not once but twice by the same jerk of a guy. I had lost hope, stopped believing in the possibility of anything good. Recently I realized, I forgive my family and have truly let them go and all the feelings with them. That's not to say that the memories are gone or that there isn't pain, because there still is. I do want to love someone and be loved by someone a healthier love because clearly now I see what doesn't work. I want to try it with this guy I know but we just aren't really aligned together with our lives plus we are just friends. I don't think he has the time or interest in being with me and I could see myself with him, sometimes. Sometimes, I honestly do try to have feelings for him to love him even if it's just a little but I don't. I guess I feel like I should considering we have known each other for almost a year. I don't know I just want to find someone to be with, I'm not really scared anymore. But then deep down in the pit of my heart I'm still miserable, sad, negative and hateful. I truly want to be happy, try to live a happy life but deep down something keeps holding me back. I don't know what it is or how to stop it. Everyday I wake up I have to fight off the depression, granted it's not as hard of a fight anymore but it's still a struggle. Now I have added struggles, I struggle to feel positive emotions like love and happiness and to believe in myself. I don't really put myself out there, I mostly stay at home alone which probably doesn't help.
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The things I think of when I'm alone
PoésieUnbearable pain that is expressed and acknowledged becomes bearable. But people who have suffered from BPD received no such responses in their childhood. Therefore, they are stuck in the past, trying to elicit what they needed as a child-validation...
