StoryTeller - PerthSaint Collections

SELF ACCUSAL 01

Self Accusal

Inspired by Gummy's if you comeback Feat. Wheesung

It was that unfamiliar look on his face that made Saint rethink of what exactly he had done. His obvious disappointment was clearly visible that he seemed to hate himself for even having the guts to show his face in that place where Saint knew was only meant to keep their happy memories together.

They were considered as the perfect couple. From their looks that perfectly complimented each other, to their love that seemed to not falter over the years. They were perfect... it was perfect or it seemed perfect.

Who would have thought that the perfect little romance of Perth Tanapon and Saint Suppapong will not eventually lead to a happy ending?

Saint wasn't sure if Perth was acting out of regrets because he was sorry for being caught on one humiliating situation where he found him humping one of their back up dancers on a night that supposed to be a celebration for their successful Movie Fanmeetings.

After that all seemed to changed. Saint did some things he didn't think he was capable of doing.

But even after that Perth became a perfect lover, too perfect that it made Saint think that all was too good to be true. Over the years after that one incident, Perth had proven himself to Saint. Yet to Saint, he really hasn't. He was supposed to be the person Saint knew the most but he turned out to be the very person he didn't knew exactly who.

It has always been the question of trust. Does Saint trust him enough to love him again the way he used to? He knew he can't give him that now.

It was exactly how Perth reacted when he saw how Saint had gotten home that night that made Saint finally realized that their relationship was far from the perfect relationship that everyone thinks it was. He was drunk- or rather purposely got drank, clinging to a man who Perth recognizes as Tonman. Saint waited for him to scold him, beat him up for even bringing a man home. But like the perfect lover that Perth was... He stood out of the way, even directing the guy towards their bed, the very bed he and Saint were sharing.

Saint expected him to throw a fit, yet he didn't. Instead he got him a cold towel and helped him to clean up. He tried mumbling someone else name. He expected him to stop, yet he continued and even cuddled the drunk guy to sleep.

Saint has purposely became a selfish lair. Filling Perth's world of the little betrayals he threw at him. Yet to his utter disbelief and annoyance, he became more understanding and perfect- and he knew that if there were still a room for more perfection, Perth would have become even more perfect.

He was turning into someone Saint doesn't recognized at all. Someone far from the Perth Tanappon that he have known to love. He used to be so assertive and commanding and yet here he comes now. The truest form of a martyr and forgiving man. But Saint knew why. Why he was acting that way. He had done him wrong and Perth probably thought he needed to pay his sins. Not because he loves Saint still. But perhaps it all comes down again to Saint and his TRUST issue. He could never bring himself to trust Perth or anyone again.

Shouldn't he just let him go though? Perth didn't want to. Saint wasn't inclining to that idea either.

Saint painful tears were flowing out of him like rivers remembering the moment when he watched him walking away. Why is it that he was suffering when he was the one who pushed him away? He remembered how his heart painfully beat on every step Perth took. He remembered how his breathe hitched agonizingly as he watched Perth's shoulder shook, he was crying as he ripped their necklace off his neck and carelessly throw it off the bridge.

It was his last chance to call him back. To say that he does love him. To finally admit that he was selfish and so maybe they can work things out. But Saint didn't. He doesn't deserve him, not someone as perfect as him. He held his fist tighter suppressing the feeling of running after him and beg him to forgive him once more but he wasn't that shameless after all. He couldn't, He wouldn't.

He had broken Perth's heart not once or twice. He did so many times he could no longer count it.

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Days turns to weeks and all Saint could do was to stare at his white ceiling. His feelings of regrets and guilt consumed him that he wasn't able to make himself go to sleep, work or even eat. His thinning frame can attest to his own sufferings, and that beating himself purposely for all the sins and heartaches he have caused him was his own source of relief.

PLann who had always adored him now only gave him hated and disgusted stares. He could not blame the kid though. He looked up to him and Perth, and he had always been vocal about how he adores PerthSaint together.

"You are selfish! Finally Perth realized it huh?" Plann;s mockery made his guilt escalated that he could not want anything anymore but to end his life, if that is what it takes to pay for everything.

He bitterly smiled remembering the little get together they had a year ago. Where his beautiful boyfriend announced that he wanted Saint to live with him. His stomach tightened remembering how he wasn't close to being happy that time. But he could not just make himself reject him with everyone around looking rather excited about the two finally making another big step into their relationship.

Perth knew, he knew how he never wanted to move in, but the guy assured him that he would never regret it. "Can you at least try to look happy. Please...?" That disappointed look on Perth's face that night still haunts him until now.

"I love you enough that no matter how much you try to hurt me I'll be willing to forgive and forget everything Sonnie"

His tears raced down his cheeks as the feelings of guilt consumed him once again. How many times did he actually lied to him? Hurt him? Ignored him? Treated him coldly? And even cheated on him? All those times Perth accepted him and forgave him even without him asking him to. He has been forgiven instantly yet Perth wasn't. Saint made sure that Perth would remember how this started. That sin Perth once committed has never been forgotten by him.

And it consumed him that he became the monster that he is now.

Saint found himself slumped on his bathtub as he watched the water slowly rises. He smiled knowing that the pain will soon vanish and so was he, knowing that his mere existence have caused only so much pain to everyone around him. Holding on tightly on the lid of the bathtub Saint shakily reached for his razor. A silent moan escaped from him as he watched his wrist torn and bleeding. It was such a beautiful sight, red blood and water muddled together. He watched it with a contented smile.

Saint felt being released from the rope of guilt that kept strangling him. He felt free and he liked the feeling of it.

"You could have told me that you don't want me anymore Saint, I could have let you go and not watched you suffer being with me anymore"

He shook his head, as he watched Perth's bitter memories in his head. He did deserved to suffer and die. He was someone who made the love of his life suffer. Just because he wasn't forgiving enough, and because he was selfish and that he wanted revenge. A plot that obviously backfired to him.

"I had enough Saint, I'll walk away now before this little love I have left for you will turn to hatred that I will find no more strength to forgive and love you any longer"

Saint could only hope to be given a minute with him and beg him for forgiveness. Tell him how sorry he was, but he knew he doesn't even deserve the chance. He have lost him... He walked away and took with him his heart and his life.

Saint slowly closed his eyes as dizziness and exhaustion consumed his whole being. He became numb from everything as he watched his bleeding wrist filling the bathtub with his own blood. A faint knocking on the door as he recognizes the voice, it belongs to their oldest friend. The ever cheerful and cute Tar. He then wondered how the little kid would handle seeing him like that.

He felt himself slowly drifting away. He felt his heart slowly losing its beat. His surroundings turns even more blurry that even the constant knocking on the door and the calling of his name grew thinner on his ears.

Saint loves him more than his life. And he was sorry that he only found out a little bit too late.

[a/n Note - Oh wow... this one could actually stand as one shot but then i don't want to end it this way. 2ND and last chapter will be posted in a little bit.]

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