abyss ↣ joe sugg au

six

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

Over the next weeks, they didn't go over the railing once. Charlotte started on the bridge at her end on one Friday, but Joe was already there when she got to the first pillar. That night they went into a twenty-four-hour Starbucks and Charlotte ordered a Mocha Cookie Crumble and Joe ordered a Salted Caramel Frapechino. Charlotte sipped at both drinks as Joe carried her on his back and he didn't even complain when she handed him the half empty cup. When they were back at the bridge, they set their long been empty cups down and smoked for too long whilst reciting song lyrics. They ended up throwing stones into their cups and fighting each other over who got the most in.

On the following Monday, Charlotte had finally completed her Rubik's Cube so she was in particularly high spirits. That night they raced again and again from one end of the bridge to another until the soles of their shoes were worn down and their lungs were near to exploding. Charlotte lost every single one but she ended up giving Joe a piggyback until she near to passed out.

The night after that, they went to McDonald's with their hoods up and ordered too much take out, and sat in the farthest corner of the car park and joked about actually sleeping at night. They watched various tracksuit-bottomed woman argue with tracksuit-bottomed men and they made bets on who would win.

On the Wednesday after that, it was raining and they hid under the nearest bus shelter until it stopped some hours later. They then set there coats down in the middle of the bridge and lay spread-eagle on them. Charlotte convinced Joe to play some songs from his play list and he did. They lay back and Arctic Monkeys started playing and Charlotte rolled her eyes because she should have known. When Joe's phone lit up in the darkness, a warning of his low battery percentage, Charlotte rolled onto her elbows and furrowed her eyebrows at the lock screen.

"That Leah?" She asked, clicking the home button again to illuminate the image.

"No, that's my sister." Joe said with a concoction of pride and sadness in his tone. Charlotte studied the photo until Joe's phone died and all she could remember was long brown hair fading into blonde and eyes like Joe's.

"Does she think you killed your girlfriend?" Charlotte asked casually, putting the phone back down and looking to meet Joe's staring gaze. Joe shook his head for a long time before he actually said no.

"You still see her?" Charlotte continued, suddenly realizing she knew nothing about what he did when it wasn't dark outside.

Joe shook his head for even longer this time, before he said no.

"I cut the communication before my Mum did. Didn't want them to hate her." Joe said to his shoes.

"What's her name?" Charlotte asked.

"Zoe." And it looked like it actually stung Joe's tongue as he said it.

"Do you miss her?"

"More and more everyday." Joe hung his head between his knees and Charlotte could hear him breathing heavily, his back heaving.

"Tell me about her." Charlotte decided, lying back on her coat and rolling her hip over so she was wresting on her palm.

Joe's head rose and he looked at Charlotte with sad eyes for a little too long before he lay down next to her, vision stuck to the stars. And he did. He told Charlotte about all the Christmas's, all the Birthday's, about how they'd make forts out of their bed sheets and hide under them with paper and crayons and plan pranks to pull on their parents, most not even making it off the paper. He told Charlotte about all the family holidays, the binoculars and wide rimmed hats they used to wear as they explored unknown territory. He told Charlotte about how they made up their own language and he told her he would speak some to her but that would be breaking the rules. He told Charlotte about when he woke up in Hospital and nobody was there except Zoe, half asleep on his hand. Everyone left it up to his sister to tell him that Leah wasn't coming back and left it up to Zoe to wipe his tears away and to sit with him and tell him it wasn't his fault and everything would be okay whilst he blamed himself for promising someone the world, and doing nothing but taking it away.

Charlotte listened, she cried when Joe did and when he was finished, she didn't know why, but she let Joe scoop her up onto his lap and let Joe bury his nose in her neck and they just held each other because neither of them had been held for a very long time.

The day after that, it was raining again but they didn't hide from it this time, they had just finished a competitive race and their throats were burning and they tilted their heads back and welcomed the rain on their tongues. Screaming when the occasional drop hit them in the eye, finally running to Charlotte's end of the bridge where the trees were at their thickest. When their breaths were still thick, Joe's hand buried into the cuff of Charlotte's coat and ice cold fingers wound around a slightly warmer palm and Charlotte concentrated on regulating her breaths rather than the touch. They stayed like this for a long time, the rain hitting the leaves surrounding them loudly.

"I don't want to be on this fucking bridge anymore. Like ever." Joe said, and Charlotte wasn't certain if he was talking to her or himself.

"Don't be, then." Charlotte swallowed the scratch at the back of her throat, and looked up at Joe's jawline, detailed with freckles.

"Okay." Joe took a shallow breath.

A lump rose in Charlotte's throat. Curse Joe for going into the minutest detail for everything he spoke about except the one thing Charlotte really needed to know. Despite it, they stood there for another handful of minutes, letting rain drops fall from their eyelashes, the only movement was their heaving chests and the only sound being rain hitting leaves, hands still intertwined.

"Thank you Joe, for the cigarettes and the piggybacks, and that." Charlotte finally managed, pulling her hands from Joe and turning to step out from under the tree. She could feel Joe's furrowed brows digging into her back.

"Where are you going?" Charlotte's muscles tensed but that might of been because it was cold.

"Home, aren't you?" Charlotte turned around and immediately regretted it when she saw the confusion and a hint of sadness in Joe's eyes.

"Not without you." Joe's eyebrows were scooped so low that Charlotte would bet money on his eyelashes touching them.

"What?" Now it was Charlotte's turn to be confused.

"I'm walking away from the middle..not you." Joe shook his head slightly as he spoke.

"Joe..I.?" Charlotte ducked back under the tree's, so confused her brain hurt.

"You're the only thing I have, Char, please say we can hang out at my flat. It will just be the same, but less fucking rain." Joe's eyes were wide and hopeful.

"You need glue Joe, not a pair of scissors." Charlotte choked after a minute of staring blankly at the spot between Joe's brows.

Joe took a step back and held his hands out in defense.

"No, no Char. Don't do that I'm an object shit. Leah thought I was the scales she weighed down and you think I'm the fucking piece of paper you can cut through so easily, and I'm not okay? We're human beings. Even though I stopped being classed as human when I drove away from that curb all those months ago and I'm pretty sure I got tired of 'being' around that time too. Even though you feel like you've never even 'been', we have a chance remember. You said it yourself. We have a chance to live our lives all over again, we still would even if we combined our ages together." Joe's voice had changed pitch and his eyes were even wider, the rain making them a musky blue.

Before she could stop them, her eyes filled with salty tears and mixed with raindrops when they strolled down her cheeks. She was stuck to where she stood, because her heart was too heavy to move right now. Her thoughts were consumed with the fact that anyone, someone might actually be on her side. Has someone just passed her the fucking ball? Maybe it was just a figure of her imagination, someone standing a metre away, fighting for her to stay. She won't believe it. She never will. But with her thoughts blinding her, she let sodden sleeves wrap around her and let the word okay be whispered into her hair until her muscles eased against the cold and her better nature and she allowed her heavy eyelids to meet, and let her arms scoop under Joe's arms. She allowed herself to breathe for what felt like the first time in eight years.

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