abyss ↣ joe sugg au

fourteen

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

Life went on. It always did and staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror for hours on end praying it wasn't you in the reflection, wouldn't change that. Charlotte locked herself in the bathroom even when she was alone in her flat, knelt her forehead against the cool porcelain of the bath because it gave her a similar sensation to that of the railing on the bridge. She'd sit there with her earphones plugged in, music playing, the words carrying her like the night did when she ran those races. She'd smoke with trembling fingers and trembling lips, then open the window and clean her teeth. She'd turn the shower off and step out of the bathroom when Caspar lightly knocked on the door and she'd smile and place a kiss on his cheek. 

It had been a long time. Maybe a handful of months, nothing compared to the days Charlotte and Joe spent together but let's not talk about that. Charlotte still had her job, she would of probably lost it two hundred times over if Caspar wasn't there to save it for her, or to bring her tea first thing in the morning, or pepper kisses all over her face last thing at night. He says he looks at her and see's so many things, feels so many ways and Charlotte just smiles because she could say she felt the same, lie to him, but she looked at him and felt nothing. She looked at the world and felt nothing. Numbness surged through her bones, a sensation that had grown to be familiar ever since she realized she had a heart to break. Caspar slept in contentment next to her most nights, but Charlotte always pulled the sheets back, stepped out onto the balcony of her own flat and allowed herself to have that little slither of freedom, the metal bars of the edge bruising her thighs and the cigarette in between her lips doing nothing to release the stress she was supposed to be feeling.

"You're up early." Caspar slurred with a thick morning voice, stumbling out onto the balcony in his pyjamas. If only he knew.

"Yeah, I think I might be coming down with something." Charlotte pouted for effect and Caspar cooed, first placing a hand on Charlotte's forehead, and then pulling her close.

They went back inside and Caspar made breakfast, It was nice. Charlotte can't remember what it was.

"Niomi and Marcus are coming round today love, is that okay? I can cancel if you don't feel well." Caspar shouted from the bathroom as he got out the shower.

"It's fine. I'm good." Charlotte said as enthusiastically as she could. Marcus and Niomi were nice. Marcus worked in the office alongside Caspar and herself and although they'd never really crossed paths before, Caspar was good friends with him and ever since the pair had been together, they'd been hanging out a lot more.

Caspar prepared snacks and drinks whilst Charlotte contributed by showering and getting dressed. Charlotte nods her head approvingly as she observes the food that Caspar prepared, all healthy goods to fit around Marcus and Niomi's life style.

They all exchanged pleasant conversation. Charlotte laughed when she felt was necessary, adding something if they were talking about work or if Caspar was recalling a shared experience and he'd missed a bit. But after they'd eaten, and they were spread out on the sofa's watching The Great British Bake Off Charlotte couldn't help but think about how this wasn't her life. It was Caspar's life that she just starred in, adapting to him, for him. She had become this Charlotte who didn't smoke at social events because Caspar's friends didn't approve. She had become so many things that she was so far from.

Niomi and Marcus left eventually with promises of a double date and Charlotte smiled although the thought made her feel a little ill. She excused herself to bed as soon as she was alone with Caspar, claiming she still felt a bit poorly from the morning. 

A little while after she'd got into bed, Caspar slipped in behind her and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her against his chest and he sighed heavily into her shoulder blade. Charlotte squeezed her eyes shut and buried further back into Caspar, angry at herself that this wasn't what she wanted. She could live this life, she knew she could. A successful business man, who lay his heart on the line for Charlotte even though he got next to nothing in return. He fixed her roof, he saved her job, he buys her new puzzles to complete and even attempts to fix her rubik's cube but that doesn't stop her from pretending she's asleep when Caspar whispers, "I love you," or dreaming of lip rings and late night running races.

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