abyss ↣ joe sugg au

forty one

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

Joe ran a bath when they got home, making sure there was extra bubbles and he washed Charlotte's hair making sure to massage her scalp. He rinsed it off and watched the beads of soapy water run down her back. She had a faint bruise below her right shoulder blade and Joe made sure to sooth it with little kisses. He pulled her closer and hummed into her damp shoulder, a few wet strands of Charlotte's hair tickling his cheek and he wrapped his arms around her tummy to pull her closer.

They didn't exchange words for a long time. It was so silent, so peaceful and Joe was pretty sure Charlotte had fallen asleep more than twice. He was lent against the wall of the tub now, Charlotte's back against Joe's chest so the water couldn't even get in between. Charlotte was curled so tightly into Joe's chest, so insecure and sad and Joe wasn't sure if it was water or tears running down his collarbone.

The water had gone cold a long time ago, but every time Joe fidgeted, Charlotte just pressed closer as a silent plead for them to stay. Joe was worried. He was worried that if he ever pulled the plug, Charlotte would disappear with the water - so there they stayed, skin like ice but hearts on fire.

Joe honestly felt like the dam had been broken and even for someone who had bits of Charlotte melted into their skin, he'd never seen her as vulnerable as this. He would of told Charlotte, he would of done-- it's just she was was so fragile right now, and although she was so close, she still seemed untouchable and he couldn't risk breaking her.

"I love you." Joe just needed to say it. He just needed to make sure Charlotte wouldn't forget.

Charlotte let out a shaking sigh, cold breath bouncing off Joe's collarbone and he could do nothing but nuzzle closer into Charlotte.

"I want to go to sleep." Charlotte whispered and Joe nodded, clutching at her hips and pressing one more kiss to her shoulder before helping her up and out the tub.

"Why don't I push the bed out there yeah? We can watch the stars, they're really pretty tonight." Joe whispered softly into Charlotte's ear as he wrapped a towel around her.

"I'd like that." Charlotte allowed a little smile, before turning to the basin to reach for her toothbrush.

Joe made a job of shoving the bed up against the window, admiring the sky and all it's stars before something so unquestioningly more beautiful sat on the bed beside him. Joe pulled back the duvet and wrapped it around them both, huddling them in close together because there's a whole world out there, big and scary and mean but Charlotte's skin is soft and these blankets warm and that's how everything should be.

They looked out the window for a long time, counting and re-counting all the stars they could see.

Joe dared to look at Charlotte, saw her eyes glazed over with the reflection of the stars and when she noticed him staring, she curled into herself, trying to burrow further under the covers.

"Hey, hey." Joe tried to battle the covers off, tried to reach Charlotte.

"I feel disgusting." Came Charlotte's muffled voice from somewhere under the covers.

Joe finally won the battle with the sheets, pushing them to the floor beside the bed and pinning Charlotte down with hands on her hips.

"Don't ever say that. You're beautiful." Joe muffled against her cheek as Charlotte tried to push him away.

"I love you." Joe hummed - "so much" - he moved down between Charlotte's thighs - "I love you here" - he pressed a kiss to her inner thigh - "I love you here" - one below her belly-button - "here" - her collarbone - "also here" - behind her ear - "definitely here" - one to the scar above her eyebrow - "a lot here" - a barely-there kiss to the stitches on her cheek - "and maybe a little bit here" - against her lips.

Charlotte giggled into Joe's lips, leaving a tingling sensation against them -- quickly stopped by Charlotte taking Joe's lip ring between her teeth and tugging on it gently so Joe mewled.

"It's addictive to look at you, watching every move you make. I want to kiss you, waste my time on you, keep your secrets, take care of your moments, hug you, adore you. Your insanity is my science." The words fell out of Joe's mouth like they were rehearsed verses and Charlotte shook her head against his neck is dismissal.

"You talk so much shit. I'm so in love with you." Charlotte's voice was some level of soft and Joe smiled into her skin, wanting to soak up the words with his tongue.

It felt like they hadn't done this in forever. It felt like Joe was falling in love with Charlotte all over again. Joe was short of breath and he was sure his lips were swollen and bruised but he couldn't bring himself to care, not even a little bit.

They shifted, so Charlotte was closest to the window and Joe folded himself up around her, tugging the covers from the floor so they covered them again. Charlotte hummed and grabbed Joe's arm so it wrapped around her waist tightly. His lips rested on her shoulder as they both watched out the window like it was the most fascinating movie they'd ever seen.

"I think I would of missed you." Charlotte's barely audible words carried over the silence of the night.

Joe frowned, moving his head so his lips rested on Charlotte's cheek, just below her stitches.

"Elaborate." He mumbled cheekily.

"If we never met. I think I'd still miss you." Charlotte turned onto her back so she was looking at her favourite shade of blue.

Joe's heart felt too heavy to keep behind his ribs, pounding loudly in his ears and in his throat.

"These stitches, these scars, the memories -- they're all lies, I feel invincible." Charlotte's fingers played with the short hair on Joe's neck.

Joe let his eyes close because for once, he didn't want to see the honesty in Charlotte's eyes when he knows he's lying to her. That's he keeping something big from her and he finds himself sitting up, wiping his hands over his face in frustration.

"What?" Charlotte sits up, wrapping the covers around her chest and looking horrified - like she was scared she'd done something wrong.

Joe shook his head, praying he'd stop being a coward and just say it.

"Joe what is it? What's wrong?" Charlotte wrapped her fingers around Joe's bicep and tugged him closer. He shook his head again, tears welling in his eyes.

"Joe, you're scaring me." Charlotte's cheeks were flushed and she placed her other hand on Joe's ribs.

"She's still here." Joe mumbled. "She's still here, with Andrea." Joe choked before he let a sob shriek out pathetically and un-deservedly and he still didn't know if it was a good or bad thing that he felt Charlotte's pain. That every tear she shed, every mark she had was his and Charlotte's hands weren't on his skin anymore.

"She's still here?" Charlotte scratched her forehead, becoming distressed. Joe was sure it was a question she already knew the answer too but he nodded, reaching out for Charlotte.

He nearly threw up at how thankful he was when Charlotte welcomed the contact, making grabby hands and letting herself fall back into the mattress with Joe's arms tightly around her. He knew these moods well, when words were never enough and seemed pointless through it all so he let Charlotte cling to him - thanked any God he could think of for letting him hold her like this.

"I don't know why they're doing this." Charlotte mumbled.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner I just, wanted you to be happy -- even if it was just for a bit." Joe admits, clutching Charlotte tighter to try and stop her from shivering.

"You're here. I'm happy." Charlotte turned to face Joe, scratching light over his chest and down to his stomach. "I'll sort it. Tomorrow."

No more words were exchanged between them. Joe made sure Charlotte's breaths had evened out and she was all wrapped up before he snuggled in closer, sharing his secrets with the dark, mumbling them into Charlotte's neck. He listed every mode of transport he'd like to see Charlotte's Mum fuck off on.

He decided on a tandem bike, so he could put Andrea on the back.