abyss ↣ joe sugg au

thirty nine

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

BTW I TRIED TO GET A GOOD HEADER BUT IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR AND I GAVE UP SO FOR NOW HAVE SOME FISHES LMAO

Joe hated Hospital's. There was a strict no smoking rule and although it couldn't of been more than an hour, the need was clawing at the back of his throat and his fingers ached from pressing them into his palm. There was a bigger craving though, set deep beneath his ribs and laying on a small bed beside the seat he sat on.

The thing is, he knows it's minor. He knows it was a little fall and she was going to be okay but that's not the point really. He can't really help but think about the dead set weight Charlotte was beside him when he visited his parents' home. How tightly he was holding on to her like she was the only thing keeping him grounded and how she needs him right now, she needed him and he can't bring himself to move off this damned chair.

He couldn't help these cursed thoughts crawling to the forefront of his mind, it was utterly intoxicating. Blurred visions of anything and everything misting in his head and every which way he looked at it, it was always down to him. It was always his own self-absorbent state that led Charlotte to this shitty bed in a shitty place where life is given and life is taken.

Joe was guilty of sometimes forgetting, forgetting about the days Charlotte had to endure even though they were of little detail in the accounts Charlotte had told him on cold winter nights on a bridge that destined them both to somewhere else. It was easy to forget sometimes, when he was mapping out infinities on Charlotte's skin, revelling in the giggles slipping out of Charlotte's mouth. It was easy to forget sometimes when they were climbing on rooftops in the middle of the night and kissing each other silly under the careful watch of the moon. It was easy to forget sometimes when Charlotte was hiding her smile in his shoulder as they walked down the street, whispering boyfriend or I love you just because.

And other times, Joe couldn't help but remember. When his lips traced over the small scar above Charlotte's eyebrow making her flinch. When Charlotte looked up at the sky as they sat upon a roof and Joe was reminded of why the moon watched so carefully over her-- the only solid thing that was there for Charlotte throughout the entirety of her life. The only thing that was there for her at night time, the only thing that was there to remind her she was still living. It was easy to remember when Charlotte dug her fingers into Joe's palm as they walked along the street, ducking her head against the watchful stares and the accusing looks. But it was easiest of all to remember, whilst he watched her with mouth slightly agape, three stitches in her right cheek and a bruise upon the bridge of her nose. It was so clear then, that this girl felt pain. Unforgiving pain that has turned her inside out so now the hurt is visible from the outside, and yet the Doctor only said it was minor.

"Hey man," Caspar stepped into the small room, handing Joe a take-away cup of coffee and went to sit on the opposing chair. "What's the score?"

"Two-zero to her Mum, I guess." Joe shrugged but he knew what Caspar meant.

Caspar sighed because it was probably the truth but not the answer he was looking for.

"Doctor says it shouldn't be too long now."

Caspar nodded and leaned forward in his seat to pet Charlotte's hand.

"Thank you for calling me, you didn't have to do that." Joe spoke to his clutched fists.

"Bill only called me because he remembered me from when I use to stay at Charlotte's." Caspar shrugged.

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