abyss ↣ joe sugg au

twenty five

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

(IMPORTANT: I DELETED THE ORIGINAL CHAPTER 25)

Okay, things could be better. Joe could of told Zoe everything, his family everything and maybe this would of been a better day but right now, as Charlotte maps out the tale of a hundred forbidden stories on Joe's chest with her fingertips - her lips, she couldn't bring herself to think about that.

Even though they were a two hours drive away, Charlotte still felt at home because she didn't need four walls anymore, she's not sure she ever did. She's found home in some boy that is at war with himself, who's fragile and delicate yet the only secure thing Charlotte's ever had.

There was a slice of light from the moon casting over their intertwined figures, reflecting in Charlotte's eyes as Joe tucked her fringe behind her ear and lent their foreheads together. Joe ran his hands down her cheeks, her jawbone, her neck, her arms, her sides, her hips, her thighs like he couldn't quite believe she was real but they were sharing the same breath, breathing and sighing into each others mouths and nothing had ever been more real. 

Charlotte wraps her hands round Joe's neck and pulls their foreheads together once more, noses brushing, lips tracing one another's and Charlotte felt flowers blooming in her heart and electricity powering through her veins and she couldn't help it if she threw her head back in solace, only for Joe to latch onto her neck.

They stay like this until the sound of waves beyond flood into this other world they've forbid themselves too - holding each other with a mixture of lips and tongue and ragged breaths and maybe a little (a lot) of tears.

It wouldn't be impossible to believe it was only Joe and Charlotte existing in that moment. They should of probably talked about this first but Joe didn't want to stop kissing Charlotte so they could try to.

Joe lets out a sigh as Charlotte's fingers trace over his hip, applying little pressure to the scar there. She doesn't ask, just kisses it gently and then moves to burrow herself into Joe's neck, eyelashes fluttering against his collarbone. Joe lets himself relax then, knows by the beating of Charlotte's heart close to his that everything's going to be okay. He kisses whatever parts of Charlotte he can reach without disturbing her, before pulling the cover high over their bodies. They fall asleep that way, Joe's fingertips ghosting over Charlotte's arm where her other one wraps around his chest. Joe falls asleep thinking of cigarette smoke and running races and for the first time in what seems like forever, he doesn't dream.

#

Joe was silent on the two hour drive back, the events of the last two days hanging heavy on his shoulders. They'd left after prolonged goodbye's and promises Joe wasn't sure he'd be able to keep. Charlotte wondered if he felt guilty, or maybe he had realized, as he was watching fields pass by in a blur of green that he'd made a mistake. Joe had set Charlotte's play-list on at high volume ten minutes into the drive and now the drone of Arctic Monkeys was filling up the space in between them.

Charlotte's thoughts were working overtime, the space between them never feeling this big before. She tried concentrating on the road ahead, letting the music calm her but it only made her think of all the other places she'd listened to this song and that song with Joe and what if he thought it was all a mistake.

It took a One Direction song however, to prove her wrong. Joe fumbled in his bag at first, pulling out his bandana and scraping his fringe back with it. He then moved over the console, tucking his knee's up on the chair and leaning his head against Charlotte's arm after placing a kiss to it. Charlotte relax's a little because she'd be lying if she thought the feel of a loop of metal touching her skin would become anything more than a distant memory. 

Joe didn't ask Charlotte to change the song, just hummed along to a tune she's certain he's never heard before.

"Play that one again, I like it." Was the only thing Joe said for the next hour, and they listened to the song five more times on what was left of the journey. 

When they finally get back to the flat it's cold and dark and everything seems to have shifted. Before they left here it was just Charlotte and Joe, existing only between these few walls - their only other company the smoke from cigarettes and empty bottles from the alcohol they'd drank a long time ago. Now however, it felt like they'd been looked at through transparent glass and it's like the whole world knew their secrets. 

"You want to talk about it?" Joe asked and Charlotte realized she'd completely zoned out, standing and staring out the window for too long to just be looking.

"What?" Charlotte turned to look at Joe now, who was still half stood in the bathroom with his t-shirt shucked off.

"Why you're being all weird?" His voice casual and Charlotte shrugged her shoulders because their was no point in lying. 

"Let's get ready for bed and then we can talk." Joe suggested, heading to the bedroom. 

Joe sprawled out on the bed in nothing but his ratty bandana and boxers and Charlotte pulled the MTV top over her head, not even sure who the rightful owner of it was anymore as she wore it more often than Joe did. 

"Come here." Joe said, voice soft as velvet and Charlotte wanted to wrap herself up in it.

She sat cross-legged opposite him then, afraid to touch. 

Joe reached forward, cupped Charlotte's hands together in his and brought them up to his lips. He pressed a small kiss to them before lowering them down to his chest and removing his own hands so Charlotte's splayed over his heart.

"You feel it?" He asked and Charlotte nodded, unsure of what this meant.

"I could never feel it, Char, it was like the Thames in the winter. But then that first time we raced, from one side of the bridge to the other - I felt it. It was loud and screaming and I'd never felt so alive in my life. I know we raced a lot back then, but it wasn't just the running that made me feel like that in the end - me and you could just be sitting down doing nothing at all and my heart was beating so loudly I would be so paranoid you could hear it. I realized eventually that it wasn't the running, or the cigarettes, or the alcohol that was making me feel like that -- it was you."

"J--"

"No, no I'm not done. I know you're scared, fuck -- lord knows I am but you have given me so much and I'll give you everything I have for the rest of my life in order to repay you. I know what it feels like to lose you and I don't want that ever again."

"You never lost me Joe. I--always yours." Charlotte said, forgetting how to form coherent sentences a long time ago. 

Charlotte decides to just bow her head and hide away, thankful for the darkness that hid her flaming cheeks. A single finger propped her head up though, brought her lips crashing into Joe's again and it felt like coming home. 

It was their problem probably, all they ever did was talk and to forget what words even are for a couple of minutes at a time was relieving and Charlotte felt so free.

They watched the stars that night, lost count too many times and ended up in a tangle of naked limbs and beating hearts.

"I'll tell them everything, I promise, soon - I'm not scared anymore." Was the last thing Charlotte heard before she fell asleep.

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