abyss ↣ joe sugg au

thirty one

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

Joe was standing so close to the amusements, that his face glowed first red, then blue and green after that. Despite the endless span of water around him, he felt claustrophobic against the mass of screaming children, crying because their candyfloss has blown away or their parents won't allow them on this ride or that ride. He only came up here to take the fourth photo for his project anyway.

He found himself by the waters edge less than a minute later, toes of his shoes soaked by the tiny waves lapping at them. Joe wondered how many more times his past will fill him with the need to submerge himself in water and go downdowndown until it filled his lungs and he couldn't breathe anymore.

He wouldn't though. A year ago he probably wouldn't hesitate to make sure every inch of his skin was blanketed in the ice cold water but it was summer now, and for the first one in years, he could feel the heat on his skin and the burning sensation in his chest because the water would never be able to hold him like Charlotte did.

Fuck. He scraped his hands through his hair, scratching at his scalp as he realized he'd left Charlotte with his mum. She'd probably ripped Charlotte to shreds by now. He turns swiftly, ready to Usain Bolt it back to his childhood home, when he sees Charlotte already found him.

Her shoulders were hunched, like they always were and her hands were dug into the pockets of her thin jacket, the slight breeze moving stray hair across her cheek and he was staring. It had been an hour at most, but he'd missed her nonetheless.

He rushed forward, ankles twisting on the pebbles and he didn't even care if he wrapped his arms around Charlotte too tight. He hoped she could feel his whole body relax against her because she had to know he needed her.

"How did you know I was here?" He asked, when he'd pulled back only far enough to see her profile. Still all sharp lines and soft skin in the dimness of the late summer night.

"Had an idea you'd be trying to move oceans." Charlotte smiled, like she wasn't hurt at all that Joe had promised he'd be okay whatever happened, but fled the scene and left her behind instead.

"I'm so sorry Char, I didn't mean to leave you there." Joe pulled her back in, squeezing her ribs and pressing their cheeks together.

"It's fine. Zoe told me you'd be here, says she loves you, too." Charlotte said in the same soft tone that made Joe think storms were just myths.

He let out a breath which sounded oddly like a ragged sob and could only pull Charlotte closer as a thank you.

"Hey, Joseph." Charlotte whispered, and Joe looked at Charlotte so intently that he was sure the sea had painted her eyes the same shade of blue. He nodded.

"I just wanted to let you know that however far you try to move those oceans, some people still won't be able to swim."

Joe's heart smiled. He wondered then how sadness squared could make possibly the happiest thing he has ever known.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Joe let out a nervous laugh, spinning round on the stones with his chin pointing upwards and hands covering his face.

"What? What?" Charlotte quirked one eyebrow, folding her arms over her chest.

Joe stopped spinning like a total fool, and squinted one eye.

"I think I've fallen in love with you, like really stupidly hard." He bit his lip and dug his hands in his jean pockets, refusing to meet Charlotte's stare because he was positive with that line he'd just put himself in a Jekyll and Hyde situation. It might of not been the best time, after this days events but Joe was positive he'd implode if he didn't tell her how much she was loved. It's all he thinks about in the early hours of the morning and the only thing that's for certain in the late hours of the night and it's most obvious in the hours between that, when Charlotte's carding through Joe's photographs, when she's standing in the kitchen making coffee, when they're at The Doorstep and she's people watching with the same glint of curiosity and wonder in her eyes.

He doesn't have much longer to dwell on it though, because he's being pushed back with such force with only a pair of lips that it was impossible to think about anything but that.

"I love you." Charlotte whispered into Joe's lips, his thumb tracing the permanent mark in her bottom lip from where his ring pressed into it. If anyone else was to notice it, they may categorize it as imperfection. Joe thinks it's the most perfect thing he's ever seen.

"Promise me you're okay." Charlotte said between kisses.

"M'perfect. I'm sorry" - a kiss - "that you had to hear what you did today," - another - "I'm yours" - one more - "promise."

They lent their foreheads together, noses brushing and Charlotte breathed all hurried into Joe's mouth.

"It's okay to still love her you know, wouldn't blame you one bit." Her eyelashes casting downwards so they caused shadows.

"You broke the spell on my muggle heart." Joe choked another laugh.

Charlotte groaned. "Sometimes words aren't the best way to profess your thoughts, Joe." But her beaming smile told him she didn't mind.

"I'm sorry about your room as well, you told me once about the box of letters you'd compiled from your friends and your mum and Zoe. I know they're irreplaceable."

Joe shook his head to try and dismiss the thought. "It's my past Char, one I'm not intending on holding onto anyway. Look, I have the final presentation in a week and if I do well I'll pass and I'll have that then, and you. I plan to focus only on the future and capturing the world with it in the photographs I take." Joe looked at the ground but Charlotte could tell he was smiling nonetheless by the way his cheeks rose closer to the corner of his eyes.

"I'm so proud of you Joe, you'll ace this project. You're amazing." Charlotte praised, lifting Joe's chin with her finger and pairing the sweet words with an equally as sweet smile.

"I know I've asked so much from you Char, way too much but please, could you just do one more thing for me?" He asked, guilt traipsing through his veins.

"Anything." Charlotte nodded without hesitation, like someone had asked her to state her name.

"The bridge. Can we go back there? Just one more time. I want it to be my fifth photo because well, yeah -- I met you there, but that's, you know, whatever." Joe was sure his blush was still obvious under the darkened sky.

"I'd love too." Charlotte wrapped her arm around Joe's back, tugging him closer just to make sure he knew she was being honest. They stayed like that until it was late enough for Joe's family to of gone to bed and it was safe enough for them to get to the car that stood in their driveway.

It allowed Charlotte time to think. Think about the first time she ever saw Joe, met his eyes with her own and all she'd wanted was to die, but standing shoulder-to-shoulder with him on that bridge that first night, all she wanted to do was breath, so she could stay there for a little longer, bathe in his presence for a few minutes more. She refused to read too much into it back then, scared to feel anything but alone -- but now, with the same sound of water flowing as a backing track for Joe's shallow breaths, it was being alone that seemed impossible.

Charlotte had lost the race. Joe waited by the beach huts which all looked the same colour in the dark whilst Charlotte climbed up panting and cussing. They both knew the rules by now though, and Joe hunched his back and patted his knees in waiting, and Charlotte rolled her eyes fondly before jumping up.

It probably took them ten times longer than it normally would to get back to Joe's parents' house, as Joe had to stop to clutch various lampost's to gather his breath and set Charlotte down. Charlotte did give Joe a piggyback for a strong three minutes before collapsing on the pavement.

It was way past midnight when Joe pulled out of the drive, stopping only briefly to breathe out a sigh and making a promise to himself to call Zoe as soon as they got home. He was okay.

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