abyss ↣ joe sugg au

thirty eight

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

Charlotte couldn't remember how she got here, not really. She could see the walls around her but she couldn't recognize them anymore, not with her head spinning like this, not with these thoughts at battle inside her head.

She should of waited for Joe. She should of done and she knew that stood there and she knows that now, as hard as it may be to admit through the tidal wave of everything else but she just needed to do this. She needed to obliterate the clues that she once cared, that she once felt the pain that was so vivid, so violent in everything she did.

She wasn't expecting it, was the thing. The past few months, or weeks at least, had allowed her to let her guard down, become selfish enough to not fear anymore. 

It made it worse, being so unexpected.

She'd got to the restaurant at 6pm as always, chatted with Bert for a while before the first order was handed to her, or her first customer of the night needed serving. But nothing could prepare her for her first customer tonight. Nothing.

She hadn't yet mastered the smooth movements of carrying a plate with one hand and sliding it onto the table with ease, so she moved slowly, carrying the dish like it was treasured gold and only allowed herself to look up when she'd placed the meal down.

"There you go," She smiled as she titled her chin upwards and fu-

All Charlotte could see was the bridge now. All she could hear was the sound of the water moving underneath her, willing to wash her away just like everyone wanted and suddenly she felt like she was back there. Wind whipping her hair across her cheeks and biting at her lips and tearing her apart inch by inch and she wanted to jump again. Joe wasn't there, he never came this time. He never fucking came.

Charlotte stumbled into one of the chairs behind her, grabbing for anything to keep her stable because she didn't want to fall this time. She wanted to scream Joe's name and she wanted to feel warm, she wanted to run at Joe and scream that she doesn't want this life, not the life this woman brings with her. 

"Charlotte! Charlotte, Christ. Charlotte please!" Came the same voice that made a sting crawl up her spine, causing her to cave against the wall. She was grateful for the air outside, although still muggy from the Summer heat. She wanted to run. She wanted Joe but she couldn't move.

"Go fuck yourself." Was the only thing she could mutter as she heaved against the brick wall, pressing her whole body against it in a silent plead for it to swallow her up.

"Charlotte. Listen to me. Darling, listen to me." 

Charlotte deeply inhaled, straightened her back and turned so she could take in the woman stood before her. Tried to pick apart the differences from the last time she saw her.

"Don't ever. Don't ever tell me what to do." Charlotte's heart pounded so violently in her chest.

"No, no I would never. Please believe me. Please just, I'm sorry. I know it doesn't cover it but I realized Char, I've come back." 

Charlotte's eyes glazed with disbelief, heart wrenching and fingertips tingling. Her voice was hoarse when she spoke next.

"Well I'm sorry for your wasted effort Mum, but you're eight years too late." Charlotte raised her chin. "How can you come back here like it's a good thing, like you're doing a good deed by hunting down your daughter at her work place and making her feel guilty for the disgusting things you've done."