abyss ↣ joe sugg au

twenty eight

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

It was Caspar's idea. He called Charlotte up early on a Sunday morning and insisted she meet him at The Doorstep for a coffee to 'make important career decisions' and made it a clear instruction for Joe to come. He even made Charlotte pass the phone to Joe so they could speak directly and was sure to tell him 'that any under circumstances Joe will attend their coffee shop meeting.'

There was still a swirl of worry in the pit of Charlotte's stomach, but after the previous Tuesday's events, Charlotte wished to approach the situation with slightly more confidence than normal. Charlotte never wanted to hide or lie to Joe about anything, but there was never really a right time to discuss the photo she had seen of his dead girlfriend. Instead, she let it build up inside of her, set deep within her raging thoughts, until she turned up at Niomi and Marcus's late on a Tuesday evening.

Both Marcus and Niomi had excused themselves, probably to go fruit picking or something - but they left nonetheless and Caspar emerged from the spare bedroom with towel-dried hair.

"Hi." Charlotte breathed, suddenly relieved to see him stood there.

"Hey." He supplied, worry set deep in his brow and he wrapped his arms around Charlotte and squeezed her close. Charlotte couldn't help wonder why the hell Caspar still let her do this? It felt like Caspar's bones were made up of her burdens.

After sitting now on the sofa, tea in hand - Charlotte then explained what happened a few weeks previous. Through the days Charlotte and Caspar had been together, Caspar had grown to know Andrea and Kian quite well and nodded along knowingly throughout. When Charlotte told him about the photo of Leah and the argument that followed, he stayed silent - reaching out only to cradle his mug of tea and take a drawn out sip.

And after, when Charlotte's lips were dry from speaking so much, Caspar let out a deep sigh and looked from his mug to Charlotte with honest eyes. The one's that Charlotte had become so accustomed too, that sometimes when everything felt like shit, she searched for because Caspar always seemed to make things feel less insane.

"You really love him, don't you?" He asked and Charlotte found herself nodding without even a thought. It wasn't even a question anymore, it was a solid fact that Charlotte could never decide if it was good or bad. Sometimes, when she's curled up in Joe's arms or cooking dinner with him wrapped around her waist, or they spend hours painting and splashing each other - Charlotte is so grateful she does. She looks up at the stars every night with Joe breathing heavily into her shoulder and she thanks them for it. But other times, she just wants to distance herself from Joe, knows she's more than likely a ticking time bomb and that within moments she could explode and destroy the man Joe's grown to be. Seeing Leah had only illuminated that fact, made Charlotte remember that Joe had a life before her. Made her remember that Joe needed a stable, motivated woman who'd give him direction in life and instead he got her. Twenty-two years old, unemployed, still a fraction suicidal, unable to tie her own laces without her fingers shaking.

"Yes." Charlotte sighed deeply, although she may of felt a little lighter. It was good to tell someone, she didn't want it to be a secret that Joe Sugg was in fact loved -- adored even.

That was when Caspar had taken her hands in his and offered Charlotte several different choices. He didn't judge, didn't bring up their past, just asked a simple question and waited patiently for the answer, even whilst Charlotte stuttered.

It was two hours later, when Charlotte had gone through two mugs of tea and a coffee, which sat next to an empty box of tissue's on the coffee table, that Charlotte decided it was the right thing to do, to go and talk it out with Joe.