abyss ↣ joe sugg au

sixteen

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

"I'm going to go get some things for Andrea and the baby, I'll be home in a hour?" Charlotte rested her head against the bedroom door frame a week later. Caspar was sprawled out on the bed with his hands behind his head.

"Okay babe, you sure you don't want me to come?" He offered but Charlotte just shook her head, crawling over the bed to peck Caspar on the lips before grabbing her purse and keys and exiting the flat.

She visited a few shops, but fast became sick of seeing content families shopping round with grins that ran the risk of splitting them in half. So she resulted in sitting herself by the window of the same coffee shop she's been visiting since she moved to London, close to content on people watching. Mylo brought over her normal order with a smile and squeezed her on the shoulder as he returned to the counter, offering the same welcome to the customer waiting as he had done to the previous.

Charlotte took small sips from her mug, willing to spend all afternoon in here, drinking the same coffee just because she could be anyone sat here. She enjoyed watching the people who walked alone, because maybe they were happy and maybe they were sad and maybe they were heading in the direction of their loving husband or the grave of their beloved wife and Charlotte would never know but at least she could guess.

Charlotte's coffee was beginning to get cold but it rested against her lips as she hid behind the mug, eyes peeking over to watch an ambling girl, black backpack on one shoulder. Her hair was faded blonde at the bottom but it gradually got brunette as it reached upwards. She'd seen that before, remembered it looked nice when she saw it in a photo somewhere. And then it dawned on her, made Charlotte drop her mug and catch the attention of every other customer around her.

It was a bad decision to make, it's probably not even her. She should apologize for the spillage of her cold coffee and offer to clean it up and sit back down but instead she was grabbing her jacket, abandoning her few shopping bags and spilling out onto the paved road. It was a busy Sunday afternoon, and Charlotte nearly lost Maybe-Zoe in the crowd but she didn't even give it a seconds thought when she grabbed her arm.

Maybe-Zoe turned and started at the sight of a slightly abashed girl, hair whipped across her face and breathing heavily from running.

"Can I help you?" And her voice was sweet, delicate and upbeat although she was clearly confused.

"Uh--yeah--maybe." Charlotte let go of her arm and clutched at her chest, regulating her breathing proving difficult, maybe because of the running or maybe because this was Zoe, Joe's sister who he spoke about like royalty. It was undeniably her, they had the same eyes -- they told stories with every blink. Charlotte realized a few seconds too late that Zoe was staring at her expectantly.

"You're Zoe right? Joe's sister?"

Zoe's posture straightened and her brows furrowed together.

"If you're another bloody journalist, I suggest you stay well clear of me and my family." Zoe's voice tried to sound stern but to no avail.

"No! No--I'm." What was she? Instead, she remembered the photo of herself and Joe in a mirror wearing clothes they found at the bottom of Joe's wardrobe that she keeps buried in her camera roll, which she may or may not look at too often. She pats her pockets and then remembers her drastic exit from the cafe, leaving her bags and phone behind.

"Look, if you'd just spare me five minutes. I'll explain everything in that cafe back there, if you don't believe me you can leave straight away." Zoe contemplates for a moment, looking around nervously and then at her watch. She's finally convinced when she looks Charlotte up and down. Charlotte, a journalist.

#

"He spoke about me a lot?" Zoe asked, fingers not really ever settling around her cup of tea.

"All the time. He never told me you lived in London though." Charlotte can't quite catch Zoe's eye.

"Oh no, I don't! I live in Brighton but my boyfriend is up here on business and I thought i'd come up too and pick up a few more things for our--um--wedding." Zoe explains.

Something tightens in Charlotte's chest and she re-adjusts on her chair in silence.

"Joe and Alfie got on really well. I'd like to think he'd be happy that I was marrying him." Zoe smiled sadly down at her tea.

"I'm sure he would." Charlotte managed a smile.They sat and sipped in silence for a while, both rummaging round in forgotten memories.

"Why don't you see him anymore? Is it because you found out what he did?" Zoe asked, general concern threading her voice.

"I know what he did. It doesn't matter to me. I trusted him." Charlotte confessed, trying not to let the words catch in her throat.

"He never told me what really happened." Zoe said as if she was thinking aloud, "he said he was sorry and that maybe one day I'll understand but that under no circumstances could I know." She continued.

Charlotte was lost. Know what? Why Leah died?

"How did you find out?" Zoe asked Charlotte, steering the conversation away.

"He told me." Charlotte nodded.

"You didn't hear it in the papers?" Zoe's eyebrows raised.

"No. Joe told me, one of the nights on the bridge. Talked about it a few more times after that as well."

"What did he tell you? Did you tell you why he did it?" Zoe leaned further into the table, voice more hushed and highly conscious of everyone around them.

Charlotte considered her options for a moment and decided she had no reason to hide from Zoe, this was his sister.

"Leah was in a bad place. Joe was trying to help her." Charlotte said, her memory stretching back to one of the first few times on the bridge.

"Oh I knew that. It didn't explain him driving on the wrong side of the road with messed up brake pads."

Charlotte's muscles clenched painfully tight.

"Pardon?" Charlotte nearly spilled her second mug of coffee.

"There wasn't enough evidence to prove that he messed with the brake pads on the car, and he insisted that he was driving on the wrong side of the road in order to avoid accidents -- so he wasn't prosecuted."

Charlotte sat there in silence for what seemed like days. The world passing around her but she wasn't moving. Images spiralled around her mind of what Joe had told her all those months ago.

Charlotte wasn't scared. She just doesn't understand. 

"Why don't you see him anymore?" Zoe asked in a somewhat rasping voice.

"He disappeared at a Christmas party for my work, I think he left with some girl. I think he might be better now." And Charlotte felt her heart frown because she didn't know. She didn't know where he was or who he was and now maybe he smiles for someone else.

Zoe is staring Charlotte down, completely abandoning her tea now. Charlotte was around people everyday who claimed to care for her and understand, but they looked at her and saw this girl that was fine. Zoe looked at her like she was transparent, those eyes plastering through her just like Joe's once did.

"Do you miss him?" Was the question Zoe struggled to ask.

And Charlotte struggled to answer, eyelids stinging now.

"I don't want too." And it was a whisper because she was ashamed. She stayed when he was going to jump, she stayed when he told her he had killed his girlfriend, she stayed through everything but she didn't have the right to miss him. Zoe, his sister, was sat opposite her, living her life without him although it must hurt her, because she didn't give up either but it was never her decision to make.

"I just wish I knew the truth Charlotte." And Zoe's voice was wrecked with honesty. "He's a good man, the best. I just want to know what happened that night."

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