abyss ↣ joe sugg au

seven

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

When Joe dropped Charlotte from his back as they reached the car park of his flat complex, something unfamiliar swirled in the pit of Charlotte's stomach as the realization hit that this wasn't the boy on the bridge anymore, this was Joe. She swallowed thickly as she started up the steps beside him, because he owned more than a packet of cigarettes.

"I know you're probably expecting pictures of Leah tacked to the wall, smashed picture frames and broken furniture but there's none of that, promise." Joe had worry in his eyes, mirroring Charlotte's she supposed. She just offered him an encouraging smile. There was a literal door being opened to a part of him and Charlotte didn't think she'd ever be ready to have that on her conscience.

Joe stepped inside and Charlotte followed less than a second after. Joe's footsteps echoed on the floor as he moved around the next to empty space.

"I'm going to take a shower. The remote control for the TV is over there," He points to the armrest, "and there's food in the fridge, I think." He headed for one of the doors. "And Char," He said, turning back around. "I wouldn't blame you if you're not here when I come back."

Charlotte was still dazed at the lack of- well, everything. There were no family photos on the walls, their were no ornaments, and if there was, there'd be no shelves for them to sit on anyway.

When she heard the water starting to run, she let out a quivering breath. She felt so vulnerable. She had walked down baron streets on the darkest nights and still, she'd never felt like this before. She felt as though she had been laid, cut open, right down the middle and a whole orchestra was watching. The room was intimidating, the vast amount of space around her swallowing her whole.

She stepped towards the large glass door, that presumably led out to the balcony beyond it. Taking a few composing breaths, she laid out the situation in her head. Lay out all the lonely nights in the park, sitting on the swings and how she barely remembered the feel of cold metal against her temple. Lay out all the nights she got take-out and just sat on street corners, she could barely remember the fading heat on her lap from the box anymore. Lay out the lonely night where she went to the middle, because both ends were caving in on her. That was the night she thought she was going to finish the book, but turned the page and found an epilogue.

It wasn't Joe, it was just this flat. He'd obviously rid it of all things that reminded him of Leah, and that was everything. He'd got rid of everything that was hers, but it was his too and now he had nothing. She's gone and there's nothing left for him anymore. Charlotte didn't even try to understand before, when they were curled up against the pillar and Joe would tell her how he only ever felt the cigarette between his lips. She hadn't realized until now that, that was probably the most honest thing he'd ever said to her.

Her thoughts were cut in half when she heard the click of a lock and she realized she was still stood shivering in her boots and coat. She turned to see Joe step out the bathroom, his hair fluffy from towel drying. Charlotte had never seen him in anything other than black skinny jeans and a jumper before, but now he was standing in sweats and a too-big t-shirt.

"Are you okay?" He asked, stopping when he found Charlotte through the emptiness, his eyes filling with genuine disbelief.

"Yeah." She shrugged, toeing off her boots.

"You're shivering." He told her like she didn't already know.

"Yeah, I should probably take my coat off now, it's just the view is so nice from up here."

"Go and have a shower if you want." He pointed back into the bathroom and Charlotte nodded. She moved her boots to the side of the room and offered a small smile to Joe as she passed.

#

Charlotte knew she was taking too long. She knew her skin was shrimped and she was probably clean enough for the next three weeks, but she couldn't bring herself to step out of the warm spray. No thoughts could ever stay too long when she was in the shower, as the water hitting her tense muscles, always made them run away down the plughole a lot quicker.

Although her skin was still hot, she shivered when she pulled the oversized MTV top over her because nothing felt right about it even though it was possibly the soften item of clothing she's ever worn.

She stepped out the bathroom and Joe was standing in almost the same spot as Charlotte was before, arms folded over his chest. He turned when he heard her exit the bathroom. He didn't say anything and nor did she for a while, and they continued to say nothing whilst Joe moved across the empty space to envelope his arms around Charlotte. Burying her face in his neck, she breathed him in and forgot how to exhale - scared that he'd just blow away. Their grips tightened on each other a few times, but eventually their arms fell and they were left leaning against one another.

They spent that night lying on the floor, trying to create circles with the smoke from cigarettes and they played board games but ended up making their own rules. They had arm wrestles and thumb wars and maybe even a karate match, but then it reached 6.00am and they both decided it was time to go to sleep. They sat cross-legged on the coffee table and Joe combed Charlotte's hair and attemped a side platt and Charlotte kept it in even though it was messy.

"You can sleep in my bed if you want, I'll crash on the sofa." Joe offered as Charlotte packed away the last of the scrabble game that she'd won.

"It's fine, I'll sleep on the sofa. I have to go back to my flat at eight-thirty anyway to get ready for work." Charlotte squished the material of the sofa beneath her.

"Okay."

Joe fumbled around his bedroom for a few minutes, returning with a bundle of sheets and pillows and he set them up on the sofa. When he stood back to admire his handy work, Charlotte couldn't help but stand beside him and wrap one arm around his waist.

"I'm so glad you stayed." Joe whispered, wrapping his arm round her other side so they were in a hearty embrace.

"I'm not going anywhere." Charlotte reassured him, tightening her grip on his shoulders.

"Please don't ever leave me." He was crying now and it was highly probable that Charlotte was too. They both stayed like that until they could hear the cries of the morning birds. Joe pulled away then, wiping furiously at his blotched cheeks and wiped his hands off on his sweats.

"Goodnight Char." He whispered, planting a kiss to the top of her head and then side stepping her. Charlotte just nodded and folded her arms, before taking deep breaths and getting under the covers on the sofa.

Charlotte couldn't sleep. She knew for a fact Joe couldn't sleep either because she could hear his muffled sobs from the next room. She heard them at 6.00am on that Friday morning, she heard them when she got ready for work, she heard them when she typed on her computer and took phone calls and she didn't stop hearing them until she got home from work at 6.00pm the same day and put her phone onto her docking station and played music so loudly it flooded all thoughts of choked cries and blue eyes away.

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