abyss ↣ joe sugg au

forty eight

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

this is just a roller coaster of emotions im sorry

listen to the song in the multimedia BEFORE reading the chapter :)

"Joe pull over"

"Drive faster"

"Joe please pull over!"

"For fuck sake, drive"

"Just pull over and I can drive yeah?"

"If you don't drive faster right now, I swear to god I'll do it, and you wouldn't want that, would you?"

"Fuck Joe, please let me drive."

"Don't you dare make me drive."

"Joe!"

"We're ready to die."

"You're going to kill us!"

It was those words that made Joe shriek to a hault, shoving them both forward in their seats. Joe's chest heaved, unforgiving and he dared look at Charlotte. 

Her head rose from where it had been shoved down by the force and strands of hair moved from her face as she let out ragged pants. 

"Charlotte." Was all he could muster.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Charlotte gagged, pushing open the passenger door and practically falling onto the grassy verge on the baron road. 

Joe collected himself for only a brief moment, hands shaking on the steering wheel before he unbuckled.

He raced round the front of the car and fell to his knees beside Charlotte as she pointlessly gagged into the damp grass, hair fallen over her face so Joe couldn't see. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Joe cried, reaching out for Charlotte in the gloomy dark of the night but she just away, head against the car door and scrubbed at her face with no relent. 

"It's okay." She choked.

She would of liked it to come out strong, unaffected but she had ears and she could hear how the words caught in her throat.

"I'm -- so so-- sorry." Joe shook his head, collapsing further into the grass.

Charlotte shook her head and wiped at the stupid tears falling from her eyes.

"Don't say it Joe," She ruled with voice still wavering, "That word has been cut open and has bled for the most part of our lives. I don't need to hear it."

Joe let out a whimper.

"You know Joe," Charlotte let the cool air filter through her lungs for a moment, "I knew you couldn't do this. I told you so many times that you couldn't but you refused to listen. I knew you couldn't drive us to the train station but I let you. I knew you couldn't go on this stupid holiday at all, but I let you."

Joe hated seeing Charlotte like this. Self-hate piling up on top of her so heavy that she probably couldn't stand if she wanted too. Joe was about to protest, try and convince her that she was wrong but then Charlotte's phone sprang to life in the grass and her attention was caught before Joe could even utter a word.

"It's Tyler." Charlotte informed as she picked up her phone, with fingers still shaking. 

"Tell him we'll be fifteen minutes at the most." Joe ordered as calmly as he could in the circumstances.

Charlotte knocked her head back against the car door and let her phone ring on. 

"You don't seriously think we're still going after you just put on that show Joe, do you?" Charlotte asked, tone thick with disbelief.

Joe tried not to let that get to his head. That cold tone on Charlotte that was so unfamiliar to him but he straightened his back.

"I can do this. I know I can. All I want is a break for you, for us -- you sure as hell deserve it and okay, I should of just swallowed my fucking pride but it's what this all does to me okay? It makes me lose my mind and it's embarrassing and it's scary." Joe gestures to the car. "I fucked up."

Charlotte let out a croaky sob, making grabby hands for Joe then and sobbing into his shoulder when he cradled her into his arms.

"I thought I was going to lose you." Charlotte whispered into his neck, embarrassed.

"We're invincible remember." Joe managed, tightening his grip around Charlotte's back and trying to tug all the remains of fear away.

"Don't ever do that to me again." Charlotte warned and Joe grabbed his lip ring between his teeth.

"I won't. I promise." He looked up at stars and promised to them too, vowed that as long as the stars were of existence, he would never do that to Charlotte again. 

"Now silly," Joe managed a laugh, pulling away only briefly to wipe their tears, "You gonna call Tyler back or shall I?"

Charlotte nodded. "I will."

So they sat there, up against the passenger side door where Charlotte had fallen out minutes before, and Charlotte held her phone to her ear as Joe untangled the knots in her hair with fingers that were still shaking.

"Hi Ty," Charlotte greets with voice composed. 

"Hey baby girl, where you at?" He asks joyfully and Charlotte can't help but smile.

They set back on the road after a few more minutes of catching their breath in the grass, Charlotte in the drivers seat this time and Joe anxiously chewing his lip in the passenger side.

"How far did you make it?" Charlotte asked, cussing herself instantly, because that was a thought that was running through her mind the entire journey and she didn't mean for it to actually come out of her mouth. 

It was silent. That violent kind of silent where you could imagine twenty car crashes. It was the kind of silent that forced Charlotte to look to her left and see Joe staring right back. 

"Not this far." Was what he said finally. His eyes were glistening against the lights of the oncoming traffic and he stared Charlotte down until she had to concentrate back on the road.

"She's always going to be here." Charlotte decided. It didn't matter how much Joe thought he was forgetting, or how many funerals on bridges they carried out. She was going to be there.

"I know." 

Charlotte nodded as she made a left. 

"And Joe," She added as an afterthought.

"Yeah."

"You can stop running. From her, from it all. You're invincible, remember."

#

"Ahoy there campers!" Caspar opened his arms out wide as Charlotte and Joe finally joined them on the platform. 

"Camping," Troye groaned, "I should hope not."

The group laughed and Tyler pressed into his side, "Only luxury spa's and expensive weddings for my princess."

Troye blushed and resulted in hiding his face in the crook of Tyler's neck as the train bustled in. Everyone jumped up in excitement and Charlotte turned to Joe, sharing a private: "It's not too late to turn back, we don't have to do this."

Joe's eyes were still a little red, the rest of his skin pale but he had a little smile playing on his lips from Tyler's remark. Charlotte raised her eyebrows as substitute for repeating the statement but Joe just shook his head in dismissal. Charlotte was about to scold him, because he promised, but Joe grabbed hold of her hand, pressed a kiss to her lips and shouted, "Spring break motherfuckers."