abyss ↣ joe sugg au

thirty six

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

The day after should of been a good day.

It was.

For five minutes, at least.

As Charlotte's phone screen illuminated against the early morning sun, she wondered if it was selfish to feel sad. That today might not be a good day for her, but broadly speaking it was a good day for a lot of people around the world. It was a good day for Andrea and Kian too.

Andrea: Baby Noah is here !!

Charlotte immediately recognized it as one of those blanket texts Andrea sends to all her contacts. She never really understood why she did it, and right now she didn't know if she was glad or mad that she had. All she did know is that she was finding it hard to breathe, that she was stood against the railing of the balcony, a large expanse of air around her that could fill her lungs, but none of it seemed to be doing any good.

Here she was again, fighting against the thoughts that barged into her mind. They were so vivid, so taunting. Little plastic dolls cradled in Andrea's arms, reading Noah's ark at school and Andrea leaning into Charlotte's space to whisper, "Noah's a nice name."

It had never seemed that important before, little kid talk that they always used to have. Used to plan out their lives on the walls of Andrea's playhouse. The same playhouse that became her home for too long. They were so close back then, Andrea didn't even care that Charlotte used shampoo against the wood instead of chalk.

"You can be Auntie, or God Mummy." Andrea always told Charlotte, shushing the plastic baby and attempting to feed it. It only resulted in mud smudged against the doll's cheek though. Charlotte's chest felt constricted now though, because oh how much she'd love to play the Auntie or Godmother now.

"She's awake!" Joe laughs as he steps out onto the balcony and Charlotte just manages an eye roll before she remembered her best mates have just had a kid and the likely hood of her ever seeing it is zero.

"You okay?" Joe asked when Charlotte didn't throw herself at him in a tackle.

Charlotte didn't want to talk right now. She wanted to break each individual railing on this damn balcony, but a shower would have to do. Wordlessly, she smacked the phone into Joe's hand and passed him, making a beeline for the bathroom.

Joe was sat on the bathroom counter when Charlotte shut off the water and wrapped a towel around her. She tried to ignore him, tried to just drown in her self-pity silently.

"Char, come here." Joe stuck out a foot in front of Charlotte so she couldn't move. She uncrossed her arms from her chest and smacked them to her sides, turning back round to glare helplessly at him.

She felt silly though, after Joe brought her into his chest and placed a tender kiss on her forehead.

"I can't ever tell you how sorry I am Charlotte, for this -- for everything." Joe whispered into her hair. Charlotte frowned against his collarbone.

"Don't say that Joe, none of this is your fault."

It made Charlotte feel worse. After all this time, Joe still believed things would be better for Charlotte without him.

"There's places I want to be. There's things I want to see Joe, but none of those things ever come close to just being here, with you." It was so sickeningly soppy, but Charlotte felt as though Joe needed to hear it.

Joe managed a smile, pressing it to Charlotte's lips.

"Just-- if you ever wake up one morning and realize this isn't what you want anymore, I wouldn't blame you, not one bit." Joe's grip had tightened around Charlotte's shoulders though, like he wasn't so sure.