No Filter

Chapter LI (51)

I woke up, feeling something wrapped around me. It was the blanket. I open my eyes and see light creeping in. I shift my head and see Ally resting on the mattress still.

Last night's conversation flashes in my head, and I shake my head, disappointed. But I wouldn't blame her. It was my fault. I was the one who let her go all these years ago. I should've done something. Or she would've been mine by now.

I smack myself on the forehead, feeling angry.

I am so stupid.

I smack myself on the cheek.

I am not worthy of her love.

I smack my lips.

She deserves better.

"Liam!" Ally's voice roared, and I open my eyes. I pant out, feeling exhausted. Ally stood in front of me, holding onto my arms. "Are you alright?" She asks.

"What happened?" I ask.

"I think you were sleep talking," she answers. "Something about 'I'm not worthy of her love' and 'she deserves better'."

"Really?" I question.

She nods her head. She shifts her eyes on the shed. "We should probably get going. Where are we, though?"

"In the woods," I answer. "Just outside of the house."

Her brows crease a little, a little curious, but she lets it go though. "Are you ready to go?"

"Do you want to change first?" I ask.

She looks over to her clothes, and I look at mine. She crawls to it and picks it up. "They are moist," she says.

"Let's take them with us," I said. She nods her head.

I pick my clothes, and we prepare to head out. The snow covered another feet, and I touch the snow to feel its texture. The snow was soft on the lower layer, but the upper layer was harder. I kick the top layer and step onto the snow, sinking down a little. I hold out my hand for Ally, and she takes it. We trudge through the snow and made it to the mansion.

I look out in the front and saw the front mostly cleared of snow. I saw the car parked, and I got an idea. I turn to Ally and gesture my head at the car. "Come with me," I tell her.

Her brows furrow. "W-where are you taking me?" she asks.

"You'll find out," I said. "I promise it's going to be worth your time."

I lead her to the car. I open her side for her, and she got in. I run to the other side. Before I got in, I dig into the pocket of my wet pants and grab the keys out. I get behind the wheels, put the keys in the ignition, and turn on the engine. I waited for the engine to heat up.

"So," Ally begins, "Where are we going?"

"Do you trust me?" I ask.

She nods her head and leans back in her seat. I shift the gear into reverse and back out. Then I shift it into drive and drove on the main road. Ally turns on the radio, and we dance to the music playing. It feels like we were back in high school, having her in the passenger seat and us singing to the radio. Ally belted out a couple of notes, and I could admire her joy in singing, if it wasn't for the fact that I have to watch the road.

I pull up in front of the church and kill the engine. Ally and I got out of the car, and her eyes begin to puff. "Is this..." she pauses. She was getting emotional.

I nod my head as a response, and she closes her mouth to keep herself from breathing inconsistently. I hold her hand and lead her to the back where the cemetery was. We walk pass the headstones until we reach to one by a tree. It read Mother, Friend, and Wife. The candle I put out by her grave was still present. It wasn't lighting anymore.

"I come here, during winter, to visit her," I explain. "Sometimes, it helps me with my issue. I would bring flowers in the summer and light candles in the winter for her, and I would come back to check the candle losing its flame and the flower drying up. It balances my mind and tells me everything that is beautiful and brings the most light can die out. And I always think of Pat. She always wanted the best for you, Ally." I shift my eyes to her. She wipes her tears but more flow out. Tears sting my eyes as well, recalling all the memories."

"I miss her," Ally croaked. "I miss her so much. And I'm so sad that I couldn't come see her every year. I always plan to, but I never go through with it."

"It's understandable," I said, sniffing the air. "I come here four times a year for the past ten years, and the pain never stopped. I guess, it's a just reminder that it was beginning losing the ones that I love. And it's the reason why I'm grouchy over the holidays. It was the time I lost Pat and you."

Ally rubs my arm, cooing. She smiles through her tears and turns to the headstone. "You are a true friend to her, sir," she says. "I hope she is in a better place. There hasn't been a day that I haven't forgotten about her and the things that she taught me. She was there for me when I needed someone. She was there for me when I cried out about you, about my family, and about life. She was my best friend too." Her lips quiver as she sniffles a sob. I can tell she was trying to hold everything in as much as she can.

"Ally," I mumble. I wrap my arms around her and close my eyes. Her head buried in my shoulder. "Cry out. It's okay. I know how much you miss her."

She sobs out louder than I expected, but I rub her back and caress her hair. I give her a kiss on the forehead and listen to her cry out for her mom. Tears sting my eyes.

I hear her mumble, "Mommy, why did you have to leave me so soon? I miss you more than words can say." I swallow hard and bite my tongue.

I sniff and feel my tears filling my eyes. I wet my lips and rest my head on her shoulder.

"Do you..." she begins, trying to calm down, "...do you mind if I have a moment with my mom?"

I nod my head and let her out of my arms. I walk pass her and stood a couple feet away. I didn't know where else to go, and I was afraid Ally might do something, so I just stood nearby where I can listen to her talk.

"Mom," she begins, "I just want to let you know that I am doing well, and if I am not, then I'll tell you that I'm trying to. I have to, but I don't want to. And every time I think about you, I think about the day that you were gone from my life. And that day was the worst day of my life. Not only did are you gone, but Liam told me he was getting married, and I couldn't take it." I catch my breath and turn around and see her kneeling before the headstone. Her hand reached out to the top edge as she spoke. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I hear her last statement. "I thought I had lost one of the people that I cared and loved, but I lost two."

I wet my lips, tasting my tears as I watch her rest her head on the headstone, crying out more and more. I walk up to her and hold her shoulders. She raises her head and looks at me, a little shock. I wanted to confront her about what she said, but she said, "Mr. Payne, I...I'm sorry if you heard that. I was just in the moment." I couldn't bring myself to ask her since she referred to me formallt, and that just doesn't feel personal.

"Ally..." I begin, "...I, uh," I scratch the back of my neck. Her eyes, as red as they were, grew curious. "I'll wait until you're ready to go back."

She nods her head and proceeds to rest her forehead on the stone. She continues to cry out, and I wipe my tears off my face. I watch and listen to her cry, and a pit grows in my stomach.

I remember the last time Pat and I spoke. She told me to take care of Ally, and I haven't fulfilled that promise yet, but I will.