Force connections

That look in your eyes

After the scavenger had disappeared I had walked back into the medical room and allowed the medical droid to finish its work on my face.  My mind was reeling.  Upon seeing her I had felt a rush of emotions.  Fear, surprise, confusion and something else.  I sat still trying to uncover what the other feeling had been.  My eyes flicked upwards in surprise as I settled on the feeling that I had had during our connection.  Hope that I wasn't alone after all.  I scoffed at myself, how ridiculous to feel like that.  No I decided, I was just shocked by the sudden connection and that was clouding my thoughts. 

After the droid had finished seeing to my face I went back to my private quarters and sat on the edge of the bed.  I removed my glove and traced the scar which ran down my face.  How had the connection happened I wondered.  Did this mean that it would happen again?  I felt a rush in my stomach and stood up quickly, annoyed at my behaviour.  She was the enemy, she damn near killed me so why oh why did I find myself hoping that I would see her again, and soon?

That night I showered and climbed into my bed, pulling the blanket so that it covered my shoulders. I closed my eyes but all I could see was the scavenger. Her hazel eyes. I shifted and rolled onto my side. Why was she in my mind? It's this force connection I told myself, that's all, its unsettled me. Suddenly a dark thought crept into my mind, what if Supreme Leader found out about the connection? I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair. For gods sake I thought irritated with myself. You don't know why you're connecting with the scavenger, maybe if Supreme Leader found out it would be a good thing, perhaps he could shed some light on it. Maybe he would keep them going so I could gather information. I nodded and lay down, closing my eyes. I focused on my breathing. Just as I slipped into sleep a little voice in my head said "I wish the scavenger were here now".

My mother was crying again. Her back turned to me, her shoulders rising and falling with each sob. I called out to her but she ignored me. I walked to her and touched her arm. She stopped crying and froze. "Momma " I heard my younger voice say. She turned then. Her face was red with blood and in her hand was my saber. She suddenly lunged forwards screaming and I watched as the saber drove straight into my stomach. My eyes flew up to my mothers in a panic but she was quite calm. "Why?" I stuttered, "Because the monster doesn't get to live" my mother said coldly, turning and twisting the saber until I screamed.

I woke screaming that same scream.  I opened my eyes and sat bolt upright.  My hand flew to my face, feeling dampness there and taking another moment to realise that tears were pouring down my cheeks.  My breathing was heavy and beads of sweat clung to my chest and forehead.  I took a shaky breath my mind playing back my dream over and over.  She had called me a monster, just like the scavenger had in the woods.  Was I a monster?  I was fighting all the injustice in the world, gaining revenge for all that I had seen and been subjected to.  'And all the people you've killed? Your father you murdered?' " shut up " I hissed to myself, my fingers rising up to pull at my hair.  And then suddenly my mothers face from my nightmare was in front of my eyes, her pure hatred for me.  I lay down on my back as the first tear fell, sliding down my face and rolling into my hair.  More followed and although I was furious at myself for this show of weakness, I felt unable to stop the tears from coming.  I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next morning I woke up feeling tired. I lay on my back staring up at the ceiling remembering all that I had seen in my nightmare the previous night. The hate in my mothers eyes, did she really feel like that about me? Then with a jolt I remembered that my mother was probably dead. Groaning I sat up on the edge of the bed and looked at myself in the mirror across the room. My eyes were puffy and rimmed with red. The black eye and scar stood out against my pale skin and made me think of the scavenger again. I shook my head vigorously, why was she in my head again? Every time I thought about her I felt butterflies in my stomach and that annoyed me. How had I become so weak?

After I had showered and eaten I felt better although I was irritated to note that my eyes were still rimmed with red. I cursed under my breath and wondered for the hundredth time why I had destroyed my mask. I spoke with Hux about our next move and the whole time his eyes roamed over my face, a smirk tugging at the side of his mouth. I hated that he was noticing the effects of my tears the night before. He didn't ask, he didn't dare, but he had noticed and that was enough for me to walk away mid-sentence as he spoke to me and then when he objected, I force lifted him out of my way and left the room, heading down to the viewing area.

The viewing area was a wide room built on a bridge with windows on each side of it, allowing a clear view of the droids down below working on repairs and new First Order ships and cruisers.

I stood quietly, my head pounding with the beginnings of a headache, my eyes on the repair droids, my mind on my nightmare. Suddenly as I turned my head, I heard a low humming noise and spun around quickly, my eyes locking with the scavengers.

She was stood quite still in front of me, her brow furrowed and her lips in a tight little line. "Why is the force connecting us, you and I?" I wondered out loud. Her eyes narrowed and she shouted at me "Murderous snake you're too late I've found Skywalker". I stood for a moment absorbing the harshness of her words, reminded again of my nightmare. "Did he tell you what happened the night I destroyed his temple? Did he tell you why?", "I know everything I need to know about you!". The hate in the scavengers eyes caused a spread of loneliness across my chest, confirming that I was indeed alone. She held no compassion for me. "You do?" I replied, stepping forwards to look at her beautiful hazel eyes. The way she was looking at me so coldly reminded me of our fight in the forest, "Oh you do. You have that look in your eyes from the forest, when you called me a monster" I said, hearing my mothers own voice saying it and ringing in my ears, "You are a monster" she hissed. I felt a sharp ache in my heart hearing those words again but I knew it was true, she had every right to think that but it still hurt. I stepped closer still, feeling tears pricking my eyes and hating myself for it, resenting my weakness again, especially in front of her. "Yes I am" I said, hearing my voice break slightly as I said it, knowing that she had noticed it too by the way that her eyes softened slightly. I watched her for a minute more and then as quickly as she had appeared she was gone again. I felt damp on my face and lifted my hand quickly expecting there to be tears but instead there was salty water running down my face. I should have been pleased, this could be a lead as to where Skywalker was, but instead I felt more alone and lost than ever. I truly was a monster.