Force connections

Time to act

I was awoken early the next morning by voices.  I sat bolt upright,  forgetting for a moment that I had company, lots of it.  All around me people were waking up and suddenly I felt very conscious of who I was in their eyes.  I looked down at Rey who was just beginning to stir.  Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled at me, pulling herself up to sit next to me, wrapping her small hand around mine.

We ate breakfast sat on the floor where we had slept.  Rey chatted to the resistance members around her but I stayed quiet, aware of their hateful gazes and whispered words.  I looked down at my boots, there was a time when I would have struck them down for their insolence but now I remained quiet and still.  Only one thing mattered to me now and she was sat right next to me. 

After we had eaten we packed up supplies onto the millennium falcon.  I even carried some boxes onboard much to the distaste of Poe who stood glaring at me on the ramp.   Then everyone piled onboard, except me, I was going to be flying the Tie fighter I had come to Crait in.

I began to walk towards my Tie fighter when I heard a shout, Ben!". I stopped and turned to see Rey jogging towards me, her face drawn with worry, "Ben, I wanted to say goodbye" she said pulling me to her and kissing me gently. Our kiss broke apart and I stayed for a moment with my eyes closed, breathing her in. She touched my cheek tenderly and my eyes opened slowly, "Be careful" she said softly, I nodded, pulling her to me again, our lips touching, "You too" I whispered as I lifted my lips from hers and pressed our foreheads together. A cough from behind us made our heads snap up. Behind us stood a small dark haired girl shifting from foot to foot, "Rey, Finn asked me to come and get you, we need to get going". Rey nodded, her hands dropping from my arms, "Ok Rose, tell him I'm just coming". I watched the girl leave and then turned my attention back to Rey. "Follow us to Abafar.  We will collect our ships and then head for the base" she leant in then and kissed me softly, "I love you Ben" she whispered.  I wrapped my arms around her, "I love you too Rey" I said quietly, my voice muffled by her hair.

I followed my fathers ship, leaving the white and red of Crait behind me, relieved to be escaping at last from the memories it brought.  Finally Abafar came into view, its desert landscape stretching for miles around.  I thought of Rey then and how much she would hate seeing all this sand again, I smiled at the thought of her pretty face screwed up in distaste.

I landed next to the Falcon and sat waiting. I watched the resistance leave the Falcon one by one, Rey emerging last, turning to look at me. I looked back, wishing we were alone, wishing that we weren't going to fight a war that we might not come back from. I saw two x-wings lift into the sky, followed shortly after by at least a dozen more and then finally a larger ship. I was about to take off when I saw one more ship lift into the sky. I froze, leaning forwards in my seat. It was my Tie silencer and the pilot named Poe was flying it. Rage coursed through my body, a rage that had all but disappeared since I had been spending time with Rey. How dare he take my ship. A sudden image of Hux smiling at the irony of the star resistance pilot flying my ship appeared in my mind. I gunned my engine and shot up into the sky.

I flew as fast as I could but I couldn't catch up with the pilot or my ship. Of course I couldn't, it was a far more powerful ship. That made me even angrier. Something about seeing my ship piloted by a member of the resistance had just brought home to me the fact that I was fighting their fight for them. That thought alone caused a red stop sign to pop up in my mind. Did it matter how much I loved Rey? Could I really do this after all that the resistance has done to me? Taking my mother away endlessly as a child, always making me feel second best, double crossing me, abandonment. Suddenly I wasn't sure what to do. Rey was counting on me and I knew that if I let her down now then she would view me very differently, but still the thought kept entering my head, I couldn't be one of them, not even for her. Without thinking I swung the Tie fighter around and began to fly in the opposite direction. I had no idea where I was headed, I just knew I had to get away. I had to disappear. But where to? Rey would find me anywhere through our bond. With that thought I flicked off the intercom.  I didn't want anyone trying to contact me.

I soon found myself hovering over Crait again, looking at the dark red scars, hating being back here but knowing that I could crawl away and rot in this place if necessary. I landed the Tie fighter back inside the mine and sat for a moment. Emotions were streaming through my head. I would lose Rey if I stayed here, I knew that, but I also knew, seeing that damned pilot in my silencer, that I couldn't join them, I couldn't be what she wanted me to be, it was too late for that. I closed my eyes remembering Rey's goodbye only an hour earlier. What had changed? It was as if something had gone off in my head.

I stayed sat there for a long time, I didn't know what else to do. Finally I left the ship and walked into the room where Rey and I had slept the night before. It was quieter and seemed so different.  Even the way I felt had changed so much since last night.  I lay down, lying on my back, my heavy eyes watching the play of light on the ceiling. 

I must have fallen asleep. I suddenly became aware of someone breathing close to me. I lifted my head and found Rey next to me. For a moment I wondered if she was really there and I reached out my hand, "It's a force connection" she said coldly. I looked at her face, blood was smeared on one cheek and her eyes were puffy from crying, "Are you ok?" I asked quietly. Rey's face darkened further, "No I am not ok Ben. You ran away. You left us, you left me. We lost over half our people and because of you your General escaped capture, because of your cowardice" I stood up abruptly then, causing Rey to stumble backwards "Cowardice?" I screamed at her feeling my rage peaking, my hands balling into fists,  Rey's face was full of fear as I went on "you know nothing about me and why I left!  I'm not afraid to face the First Order!".  Rey stepped closer to me, her eyes shining as she spoke "Then what are you afraid of Ben?".  It was such a simple question but it riled me "You!" I screamed into her face.  I watched Rey's eyes become wide "What?" she whispered, hurt showing on her face, "You, you've made me weak in so many ways.  I've lost everything because of you and your damn resistance!".  I watched a single tear run down Rey's cheek as I went on "you asked me once what I was like as a child, well shall I tell you?".  Rey remained motionless, tears running down her cheeks, "I was miserable! I had a mother who loved the resistance more than me! I had a father who pretended that I didn't exist until it suited him and an uncle who betrayed me.  And all the while your damn resistance keeps going!"  Rey listened silently as I screamed those words at her.  Suddenly all of the pain and loneliness from my childhood was rushing out of me.  "I can't fight with the resistance, I can't do that Rey.  I would rather be killed or die here".  Rey had been looking at the ground but now her teary eyes looked at me, "Where does that leave us?" She whispered looking into my eyes.  I shook my head, I had no answer for her.  I shifted uncomfortably, letting my gaze drift away.  "Ben, you can't do this, please don't turn your back on me, on our connection, please" she begged.  I swallowed back a lump in my throat, "You need to leave me alone.  Don't connect with me again, no matter what you see or feel.  I need to sort myself out, recover lost ground" I said, putting on a false sense of ease.  Rey suddenly let out a sob.  I looked up just as she disappeared.  For a moment I just stared at the place she had been standing and then I slowly slid down, back onto the floor, wrapped my arms around my knees and began to cry.