Force connections

She left me?

I opened my eyes and all I could see was fire. All around me. And then my mind flew to her. She rejected me. The one person in the whole world who I thought understood me rejected me. Suddenly I became aware of somebody standing next to me.  I sat up and saw Hux.  He was looking around in amazement and he demanded to know what had happened,  in my anger I blamed it on her, on Rey.  She should pay for what she's done to me.

We flew to the planet Crait in pursuit of the resistance and all the way there I sat in silence.  She left me. I just keep thinking it, over and over again.  I told her how I felt, something that I have never done before with anyone and she still turned her back on me.  The feeling that I am left with now reminds me of the way my family made me feel for so many years and it causes another spike of anger to rise within me.  How dare she? 

We come to hover over the pure white salt and I look towards the heavy metal door of the mine.  For a fleeting moment I think that I can sense my mother inside but I'm so angry that I push it away and tell Hux to advance and take no prisoners.  They will pay for what they've done to the First Order and to me.  A fight begins between our Ty fighters and some ancient crates that resistance members emerge from the mine on.  I allow myself a slight smile, knowing that they are no match for us.  Our battering ram is readied.  I watch the white ground before us turn red as ships crash, flames shoot up and tangled metal rolls across the salt and then I see it.  It is a sight that I haven't seen since I was a child and my stomach flipped as though I had been kicked.  The millennium falcon sped into view, shooting fiercely at our fighters, "Shoot that piece of junk out of the sky!" I screamed feeling all of the hurt and betrayal rising within me again,  why must I be constantly reminded of all of this pain?  I watched the Ty fighters chase it away over the mountains and I let out a shaky breath.

The resistance 's ships pulled back, except one, which kept tearing towards our battering ram cannon which was firing. I watched, slightly amused by the lame show of blind loyalty below me and watched as another ship came out of nowhere and pushed it out of the way and then the battlefield was empty.

For a moment all was still and then suddenly I saw somebody emerge from the mine. I didn't think it was her, in fact I was fairly sure that she was not in the mine. And then suddenly I realised who it was. I felt sick. It was my uncle. "I want every gun that we have to fire on that man" I said trying to steady my voice which was shaking, "Do it" I barked, feeling the anger rise within me. I was not going to let him ruin what little I had left. I had already lost her, I was not going to lose this victory as well. The ground around him lit up as every ship and walker that we had fired at him. I couldn't see him at all now, all I could feel was rage and anger, "More!" I shouted twice my hands in fists at my side. This was for all the ways that he had ruined my life and made me feel unwanted. General Hux stepped in and stopped the onslaught, his mocking tone barely registering with me as my eyes scanned the smoke for any sign of my uncle. Exhausted, I fell back in my seat with my head pounding. He was gone, he had to be."Sir", I looked up and then rose to my feet sucking in my breath when I saw my uncle still stood there on the salt flats, completely unharmed "Bring me down to him keep the door covered and do not advance until I say "I said my voice shaking my emotions churning inside of me, feeling lightheaded. Hux tried to stop me and I used the force to push him backwards. Nothing was going to stop me now ,  not when all of a sudden all of my pain is right there in front of me.  I wanted it to be over. If that meant that I had to kill my uncle, my mother and even Rey then that is what I would do.

My Shuttle touched down and I walked down the ramp. My heart was thumping and my hands were shaking. My breath was escaping in short gasps. I was furious with myself for letting my uncle affect me like this. I came to stand before him and I shrugged off my cloak. We spoke for a moment and just hearing his voice enraged me again. He had driven me to this, He had made my life this empty and lonely and now here he was standing in my way of what little victory I had left to claim. I lunged forwards but missed him, sliding on the salt flats. I turned quickly and lunged again, somehow missing. " Strike me down in anger and I will always be with you, just like your father" my uncle said retracting his light saber. Just the mention of my father brought everything back to me. The nightmares, the emptiness, my seeming inability to forget about the scavenger and how she made me feel and how she had left me. I rushed forwards, driving my lightsaber through my uncle and sliding to a halt on the salt.  I turned, expecting to see him lying on the ground but he was still stood his eyes on me as if I hadn't touched him. How? Finally it hit me. He wasn't even here. He had done what he had come to do, distract me so that the resistance could escape. I slowly pushed my lightsaber through him again and watched as it came out of the other side. "See you around kid" He said and then he disappeared, leaving me emptier than I had ever felt before. "No!" I shouted in frustration and then I turned to the mine and shouted it again. I was alone and beaten.

We headed into the mine. I was drawn into one of the rooms and I held my hand up to stop anyone following me. I felt as though there was something there that I had to see. And then I saw it, on the floor, my fathers lucky dice from the millennium falcon. I crouched down to pick them up and as I did so I heard the familiar low humming noise. I raised my eyes just in time to see her, Rey. She looked back at me for a moment and I wondered if I should say something but I felt completely empty. There was no compassion in her eyes for me anymore and I knew that my actions out on the salt flats had just added to her resentment towards me. I felt as though I might cry. I wanted to tell her how alone I was, how much she had hurt me by rejecting me but instead I just stayed still, my eyes on her until she shut the door and disappeared. At that same moment I dropped my head and looked at the dice in my fist, until they also disappeared.  I was alone and broken.