Force connections

No sign of her

I spent the next few days training with my light saber in the gymnasium. I was keeping busy on purpose, the truth was I was afraid to be alone. I was determined not to give in to my desire and I certainly didn't want her to know how weak I really was. At night I had started sleeping with my hands on top of the covers. It was working, even the dreams stopped, but the nightmares continued.

I couldn't shake them. They came every night but she did not. At first I was pleased. I hated the thought that she was more powerful than me and more than anything I hated the fact that she had felt how weak I was.

It was now two weeks since she had appeared to me. I found myself thinking of her constantly. Replaying the way I behaved when she told me that she had felt my pleasure.  I had been embarrassed, my first reaction had been to move away from her and put up a wall. But as time went on I found that I was missing her. If she could truly sense my emotions and feelings then she must have known that I'd had constant nightmares and yet she had not come back. 

One night, after a particularly hard session at the gymnasium, I stood under the hot spray of the shower thinking about her. I had managed to get my desire under control but I still felt troubled. Had she left me truly this time I wondered.  I washed and then stepped out of the shower getting myself dry and then heading out into the bedroom. I wondered what else she could feel. Did she feel my pain? Could she feel the water on my skin when I showered? I wasn't sure. Again I felt a stab of envy that she was able to feel these things from me but I felt nothing from her. 

The nightmares had become particularly troubling. I kept dreaming that Rey was standing in front of me. I would hold out my hand to her as I had on Starkiller Base and she would look at it for a moment and then begin to laugh and suddenly we were surrounded by all the people that I had killed. Every race from every corner of the Galaxy pointing and laughing at me, mocking me. And then the faces would change. They would all become angry and start shouting 'monster' at me, over and over again until I covered my ears and screamed for them to stop. I would wake up screaming out the word stop over and over again, my throat hoarse, tears on my face.

I dressed in underpants and wearily crawled under the sheets. As usual I lay on my back with my hands pinned tightly to my sides on top of the covers.  I stared at the ceiling, battling exhaustion, afraid to sleep, terrified of what dark dreams lay ahead of me.  Finally my tiredness got the better of me and my eyes closed.

I was holding her, her face pressed against my chest.  It felt amazing.  I felt so loved, so safe.  She looked up at me and I smiled at her.  But she wasn't smiling.  In fact there were tears pouring down her face and suddenly she was struggling against me, screaming and trying to break free.  I held on tightly, confused by her actions but then I looked at her and there in her eyes I saw fear, she was afraid of me. I looked beyond her to see Snoke laughing, his bony finger pointing at me as he spoke, "You thought you could make her love you? You, a monster, a murderer? She doesn't want you, no one does". I stared at him as he spoke, hurt rushing through my chest and then I looked down at her but she had gone and Snoke had gone and I was alone and screaming.

I was somewhere between sleep and awake when I became aware of someone's touch on my cheek. Was this part of the nightmare? "It's ok Ben I'm here". My eyes flew open. Rey was there, sat on the bed next to me. The room was dimly lit but I would know it was her anywhere.