Force connections

Giving in

Rey flew me back to Abafar in silence. I sat next to her in the cockpit gazing out of the window, thinking about what my mother had said to me. Did Rey really love me? 

When we landed Rey turned to me, her eyes soft, "Ben?", I looked at her beauty and my heart ached knowing the loneliness I was going back to.  She leant across towards me and I leant away from her, her sudden movement confusing me.  I watched her face become clouded with hurt. She looked away and sat back in her seat, "Thank you for coming, I know it meant a lot to your mother" she said quietly turning to look at me. Rey's eyes locked with mine, "and it meant a lot to me too" she added, colour spreading up her cheeks.  I looked back at her. There was so much that I wanted to say but I couldn't, I just didn't know how so instead I nodded, swallowing hard, my eyes drifting from hers out of the window, taking in the stark planet. 

I left my fathers ship and climbed into my silencer, watching the Falcon as it lifted into the sky and just like that she was gone.  The emptiness around me reminded me of how it felt when our force bonds end.

When I landed back at base Hux was waiting for me, his hands on his hips.  I ignored him, brushing past but he roughly caught my arm, "Where on earth did you disappear to?  In case you've forgotten we have missons to plan, an army to oversee, a....." I cut him off by turning and pushing him against the wall, not using force power but my own, and held him there as he writhed and choked, "I am the Supreme Leader, if I wish to leave the base then I can, anytime I want, I answer to no one, especially not you!"I shouted into his face which was now becoming red, "Ren...I, I can't breathe" He stammered clawing at my hands.  I dropped him then and headed away towards my private chambers.  My mother was right I was all alone here.

I attended meetings in the afternoon and then I ate supper in my room and showered.  I was so tired, I just wanted peace so that I could think about all that my mother had said to me.  I climbed under the sheets and closed my eyes.  She had said that it was plain to see that Rey loved me, I had felt warmth and compassion from Rey, but love?  My mother had known that I loved Rey, that had shocked me, I thought that I kept my feelings so well hidden. My eyes were getting heavy when my mothers last comment came into my head, "Ben, happiness, pleasure and love don't make you weak, they make you human". I opened my eyes at this thought and thought of Rey. Could I really give myself to her? I wanted to. But it was so hard for me to let her in. I thought about when she moved towards me on the Falcon, was she going to kiss me? The thought of that made my lower regions stiffen, she had looked so beautiful today. I clenched my fists, fighting the urge to experience pleasure again, to give Rey the satisfaction of knowing how weak I was. My mothers words rang in my head again, didn't I want to change, wasn't I tired of being the monster in the mask? I had played that role for so long that I had forgotten that I was also a man. Clenching my teeth I lifted my hands and rested them on my bare chest feeling my thumping heart beat, all traces of tiredness gone. I slowly pushed my hands downwards, feeling the raised edges of my many scars, a shudder rushing through my body in response. When my hands met the top of my underwear I stopped, my breathing heavy. My fingers stroked at the line of hair which ran from my belly button downwards and I shuddered again, shifting, my body aching for more contact. I looked up at the ceiling as I brought my hands back over my hard stomach, running over the muscles with my fingertips and then up to my chest. My hand lingering on the raised edge of my scar. My erection throbbed as my hand ran back down my stomach again, tracing that dark hair with my thumb, allowing my thumb to continue under the waistband of my underwear, briefly brushing the tip, making me jump, a breathy groan escaping my lips. Then the humming started.