Force connections

The truth

Ever since my last connection with the scavenger, I had come to realise that for some reason I needed her to know the truth about Skywalker and what had happened. I promised myself that the next time that we connected I would make her listen and I would tell her exactly what happened. The scavenger seems to be more and more on my mind which aggravated me no end. I couldn't understand why she was so important to me, why I thought about her so much and why it bothered me that she saw me for what I really was, a monster.

I went down to the gymnasium. Peeling off my shirt and picking up my lightsaber. I trained for two hours taking all my frustrations out on the dummies that hung from the ceiling on chains . Screaming at them as I attacked.  Imagining my uncle and the lies he was telling the scavenger.  Finally I dropped down heavily onto my knees, breathing hard. I put my lightsaber away and lifted my hand, running it through my damp hair. I gathered up my belongings and walked back to my private quarters shirtless.

When I got back there I stood for a moment looking in the mirror at my scars and then raising my eyes to look at the dark circles under them.  I turned away from the mirror and headed over to set my belongings down on a side table.  I tried to remember a time when I didn't feel tired, when I was able to sleep without these nightmares. But I couldn't think. All I could think about was her. And then suddenly a faint humming started and I froze. 

I knew it was her before I even turned around.  I heard her voice complaining "I'd rather not do this now". Without turning I responded "Yeah, me too". I was tired and confused about the way I was feeling. The last thing I felt like was having her spit poison at me again.  I half didn't want to turn around, didn't want to see the hate in her eyes again. Truth was I wasn't sure I could handle seeing it again. Then I heard her speak "Why did you hate your father.....".  Her voice trailed off and I turned to face her. Her face was turned slightly away from me and it took me a moment to realise that she was embarrassed that I was stood bare chested in front of her, " do you have something, a Cowell or something you could put on?" she said her eyes still not on me. I hesitated, I could put something on, but something about the way that she had blushed when she had seen me gave me a peculiar feeling. A feeling that I'd never had before. A Sudden rush to my stomach. I found that I liked the effect that I had on her.  She sighed heavily then and clearly realising that I was not going to get dressed she carried on, "why did you hate your father give me an honest answer! You had a father who loved you! He gave a damn about you!".  I thought about this for a moment, the truth was I didn't hate him, I never had done, I resented him deeply, but I didn't hate him.  Killing him was the only way I could rid myself of the torment of my past, at least thats what I had thought. The truth was that ever since I had killed my father I had not been able to stop thinking about him. "I didn't hate him" I said stepping towards her "Then why?" She demanded tears running down her face. Now could be my time to try to make her understand all that had happened to me. I wanted her to say it I wanted her to ask me why I killed my father and I told her as much. " Your parents threw you away like garbage" I said looking into her damp eyes, " They didn't!" She said through her tears, "They did" I counted. I was going to try to make her understand this time. No matter how painful it was for her to face up to, something inside me made me go on, she had to understand. "You can't stop needing them it's your greatest weakness, looking for them everywhere, first in Han Solo and now Skywalker" as I said the names of my father and uncle  a lump formed in my throat and I quickly swallowed it away as I continued " did he tell you what happened that night?" I asked, studying her face, "Yes!" She hissed. I looked at her again and I could see the doubt in her eyes.  I told her what happened then, watching her reaction. I left nothing out and I was careful to tell her the whole truth. Again my mind whirred, why was this so important to me? Why did I feel that she had to know the truth about everything? I pushed those thoughts aside as I finished my story. Her eyes had softened. "Liar" she said with a shaky voice. I could feel the connection beginning to fade between us so I spoke quickly. "Let the past die, kill it if you have to, it's the only way to become who you are truly meant to be"I said as I lost sight of her.

After the connection I thought about all that I'd said to her. I hoped that she understood. Then I thought about her eyes on my bare chest and her reaction when she had seen me like that and another rush ran through my body. I had never had a woman look at me like that before and the very thought of it made my heart beat faster.