Force connections

Conflicted feelings

I lay for a moment, looking at her. She was gently touching my forehead now, brushing away damp hair. I sat up quickly and she dropped her hand. "Why are you here?" I asked abruptly, feeling annoyed that she had found me vulnerable again. "I heard you screaming Ben. Nearly every night I hear you screaming, or crying", her voice dropped off then and I watched her lower her eyes. When they rose again they were full of tears.  "How is it you are able to feel this and yet I feel nothing?" I demanded, resentment washing over me in waves. She shrugged, looking at me with those beautiful eyes, "We have a connection Ben" she stated flatly, I shook my head forcefully, "No Rey, you have a connection to me, but clearly that's where it ends, I haven't felt anything, nothing" I said bitterly, "You've closed yourself from the light Ben, you are so desperate to be the new Supreme Leader that you are putting up barriers to keep me out", I flew to my feet, making her jump,"I am a monster Rey, a murderer, you look at me like I'm something different, but I'm not, I'm not" I said, my voice breaking with emotion, Rey stood then and gripped my balled up fists in hers, "You are so much more than that Ben. You are a man, I felt the real you through your pleasure" she blushed and lowered her eyes.  Quickly bringing them back to my face when she realised that I only had on underwear. I shifted, feeling my cheeks warm, uncomfortable with the subject.  "I felt it all, I heard you Ben.  I also know you were thinking about me", I pulled my hands away and glared at her, "Well you won't feel it again.  I was weak, you're making me weak".  I watched her eyes widen and then drop to the floor, she looked hurt, almost as if she would cry again but then she put her eyes up to mine, "You don't have to be alone to be strong Ben, I know how lonely you are, I know how afraid you are of being abandoned again, I..." "Abandoned again!" I shouted "you should know all about that. I asked you to join me and you turned your back on me, after all that I had done for you in that throne room". Rey's eyes filled with tears and I watched one roll down her face "I didn't abandon you. What you were asking of me, I, I couldn't do it, I had to help my friends. Ben I haven't given up on you and I won't", I turned away then, feeling my emotions churning inside me, I was so confused, I had so many conflicting feelings.  I hated that she had left me in the throne room.  I had felt abandoned, completely and utterly, and betrayed, then I had missed her, then I had lusted after her and now I felt resentment towards her for her superior power in the ways of the force.  But then I felt love towards her too.  I knew I didn't deserve her though, was that why I kept pushing her away?  I had no answers.  I hung my head, when I turned around she was gone.

Another week passed and I heard nothing from her.  At night I would wake from my nightmares, half hoping that she was there, but she never was.  Of course she wasn't, not after how I spoke to her.  It was the beginning of the second week when I next felt her.  I was sat at my desk writing, when the humming began suddenly.  My heart rate accelerated as my eyes scanned the room, looking for her.  She was stood about a metre from me and she appeared to have been crying.  I leant forwards in my seat waiting for her to speak "Ben, it's your mother. She's sick, you need to say your goodbyes" my stomach flipped, so my mother was still alive I thought in surprise, although I took care to hide my emotions.  Rey was watching me, her brow furrowed, seemingly irritated by my lack of response, "Ben, did you hear me? Your mother is very ill, maybe with only days left. I know you say that I'm making you weak but I had to come and tell you. I, I thought you might like the chance to say goodbye to her. I could get you in here with no one else knowing".  I scoffed at the idea and stood from my desk "She wouldn't want to see me even if I came" I said flatly, Rey shook her head quickly, "That's where you are wrong Ben, your mother loves you, she talks about you all the time. She's not lost hope in you and neither have I. I will not let you push both of us away and alienate yourself completely. Don't you see, no one where you are cares about you.  Here, where I am, you have me and your mother who do".  Hearing that my mother loved me and spoke about me often had made my heart swell and tears spring to my eyes and I had quickly turned away, desperate not to show any more weakness. I felt Rey step closer to me then, "Ben?  I can get you to her, no one need know".  I thought about that for a moment, could I face my mother again?  Rey's hands were on my cheeks now, turning my head to face her.  I hurriedly blinked back tears before she looked at me but I made no move to take her hands from my face, it felt so warm and comforting and for a moment I wanted to lean in to her and close my eyes, I just felt so tired.  "Let me take you to her Ben.  I have a plan".  Stood there, with my face resting in her warm hands, I felt too tired to object and I nodded slowly and then allowed her to lead me to the edge of the bed where she told me her plan.