Mismatched Paramour

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 10 - STARGAZE

After dinner hindi ko na nahagilap si dad. I wanted to talk to him dahil ang tagal na naming hindi nag uusap. I went to his office hoping I would find him but no presence of him. I really miss him.

Pumunta na lang ako sa conservatory only finding Vlad looking at the glass ceiling of the conservatory while slouching at the couch. His face is really serious na ayoko syang isturbohin sa kanyang iniisip. I just walk towards the next couch and lay myself looking at the ceiling too.

Stargazing.

Mas masaya sana kung ang kasama ko ngayon habang nagsastargazing ay ang taong gusto mo. Too bad they went home after dinner. Too many stars for tonight such a waste na hindi ko kasama si Zenon nyayon.

" You're brave earlier." sabi ni Vlad. Hindi man lang sya tumingin sakin.

" I'll take it as a compliment." then I smiled at him. It's a sincere smile, I hope he will notice that.

" You defended your friend and your mother that I doubted you will. Nakakatakot silang klase ng magulang pero binastos mo sila sa harap ng mga anak nila. You really are fearless."

" I know. I'm always brave."

" No, you're not. "

Ano ba. Kakasabi nya lang kanina na brave ako tapos binawi agad.

" Whatever Vlad."

If he's going to argue with me, then I'll stop this conversation already.

" You're not brave. You're just pretending to be brave in front of everyone." 

" So, what's the difference? Pareho lang din naman nilang makikita na matapang ka. Even if you fake it or not."

" There's a big difference Jiane. Especially if it's you who are faking your own feelings."

" Does it matter? Yan naman ang gusto ng lahat ngayon. They will judge you if you fake it and they will judge you too if you will not. You're feelings doesn't matter."

" Their judgment doesn't matter but the way you feel does. If you embrace what they think about you, you will lose in the end. Prioritize how you feel, be happy before you regretted it."

Wala na akong sinabi sa mga kataga nya. I was speechless. Everything that he said is on point. I lived in misery because of their expectation that I didn't fulfill. Gusto kong sundin ang sinasabi ni mom na mag aral ng mabuti but at the same time, I can't.

I wanted to but I can't.

Dahil may mga bagay na pumipigil sa akin. And that is the thing that I fear the most.

Silence fell between us before he speaks again. 

" What happened to Diane?" tanong nya.

I wasn't able to answer him for a while. I know I'm not ready to talk about these things. About my old self and my past. Ayokong balikan ang mga ala-ala at makita nya kung gaano ako kavulnerable sa harap nya.

" I know you're not ready. But I ask you one thing." he stopped for a moment then he smiled at the stars. And now I'm really curious. What really is behind that painful smile? 

 " When is the right time to be ready?"

Still a silence coming from me but I budge a little in my spot. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano sya ulit sasagutin. Gusto kong sagutin man ang mga tanong nya pero hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang isasagot ko.

" Lahat naman tayo hindi ready. It depends on us when we're going to take action. Either by guts or by force."

Halos hindi ko yata sya maabot kong gaano sya kalalim mag isip ngayon. I was amazed he was able to get that kind of words of wisdom. Inspite of him being considered the 'cold hearted' genius. 

" So you're using force on me in order to tell you the story, right?"

" No. I'm just asking you to have the guts to force yourself. The result will be the same even if you're ready or not." 

He's right. Paano nya nagagawang sabihin ang mga ito? He's not the usual Vlademir that I used to know.

 "Besides talking with me with this kind of set up is definitely rare for both of us. So why waste the chance."

He's right again. This is totally rare, hindi ito madalas mangyari na nag uusap kami ng ganito. Stargazing while talking deep thoughts and the ambiance is just right. Maybe I can't afford to waste this chance too.

" Chismoso karin pala." I told him but he just smiles.

A smiling Vlad is also a rare sight. I was lucky I'm one of those who barely see it.

But what's rarer is that, finding myself telling him my worst fear. My deepest secret that even Ausie didn' know about me. And so I told him what happened to Diane nine years ago.

That death of my best friend made me who I am today. The tragedy that made great damage to my life and broke me into pieces. 

-♡-

CHIBICHIDII ♡♡♡