Learning to Live (COMPLETE)

8.10.4

Instead of bothering with the Chasm, or trying to walk through the sector, she just flung herself down the shaft until she was down at Level 10-4. Once on the ground again, she slipped the Rising Phoenix's band on her arm and began walking, not even paying attention to where she went.

This was why she should have left. Using the Force to save her friends was one thing, that was clear. They were in danger, and she was the only person in a position to stop the thugs. That was fine. She had kept calm, after her confusion in the garage, and taken care of the situation quickly and efficiently. Once the fight was over, she went back to using her hands and feet to get things done. Nothing was wrong with that, that she knew of.

But lashing out at Granger? Uncalled for, rash, undisciplined, irresponsible, impulsive, reckless, utterly, and completely stupid. Everything she had trained herself to hide for years while training with Anakin had come boiling up inside of her. Even if it was to defend the clones, her emotions should not have gotten the best of her. The reason for her reaction did not justify it, especially since it was her. In the seconds it had taken her to say the words with the Force, she felt as if she could rip the whole building apart, and that certainly did not come from a place of Light. That was Darkness, one hundred percent.

That was the risk she had taken when she allowed the Force to well up inside of her again. She knew, she knew that she should have found another way, that she shouldn't have let the Dark Side of the Force come out and this was why. The second she had let her guard down, it had overcome the Light and all of her better judgment instantaneously. This was why the Jedi taught to suppress all emotions: Anyone with the Force had power, and that power could hurt people.

Ahsoka screamed at herself. I thought I was getting better, I thought I was forgetting! She could barely make one month without succumbing to the Dark tendencies she had acquired as the Inquisitor. Except for the nightmares she had all but silenced the Darkness inside of her, until today. She was back to square one.

She wrung her wrists. I should have known that the Darkness was permanent, she scolded herself. Once I submitted to Sideous, there was no going back. I should have known. It's either this or nothing.

Nothing was better, she decided. It didn't matter what she had to sacrifice in order to keep people safe from her, from the monster trying to escape. If she had to go the rest of her life without fighting, without meditation, without visions, without heightened abilities, it would be worth it so long as no one else got hurt. She couldn't chance it happening again. It had only been words this time, but next time she lashed out only the Father knew what would happen.

Ahsoka finally looked around at her surroundings and found herself in the training rooms at the Rising Phoenix's headquarters. She was standing next to a punching bag, hanging from the ceiling, and her wrists were taped.

It made sense. She needed to vent her emotions on something, something that was not a person. Since she couldn't meditate to calm down anymore, this was somewhere to start.

She dropped back into her fighting stance and started hitting it again like she had watched others do recently. Obi had explained that it substituted for punching people, but it was perfect for Ahsoka to get her mind together again. She gave the punching bag everything she had, sweating through her clothes (which still had Jake's blood on them) and turning her hands red. She punched until her body was sore until she could barely stand. The room around her became timeless, and time ceased to exist altogether for Ahsoka.

There was no telling how long it was before Tawnya came up behind her while she was taking a break, trying to catch her breath. "Are you okay?"

Ahsoka stood up, pretending like it didn't hurt to just do that. "Yes, why?"