Learning to Live (COMPLETE)

8.12.4

When Ahsoka saw that they were floating in the air, she took notice. She hadn't made them do so, but she knew that she was the cause of it regardless. Why wouldn't they? They were in tune with her after she had used them to make her Inquisitorial lightsaber.

The song had changed, though. It was an underlying tone in the Dark song, but it was not Dark nor Light. Closing her eyes again, she focused on the crystals and tried to pierce into them.

Although she heard it clearly, it was hard to separate the new song from the Dark one so she focused on that first. She listened to it for a minute, trying to understand it. She, of course, as the Inquisitor, had made this song as she had made the crystals bleed. It still resembled the song of the previous owner of the crystals, though. Red kyber crystals were Light crystals that had been made to bleed and had once belonged to a Jedi.

She, as the Sister, had never taken the time to find out who had owned the crystals before her. Now that she had them alone, maybe it was time to. She listened through the sickness to the first song the crystals had sung and tried to recognize the melody. It was difficult to find, but it was familiar, very familiar. She had definitely known the last owner. The song resembled her own, from all those years ago...could it be?

It was. These were her crystals. Not just as the Inquisitor, but as a Jedi. Sideous had made her poison her own crystals.

It figured. It was the twisted thing he or Tryannus would think of to rip her soul in two. She felt as if she had betrayed herself by turning her own crystals to Dark purposes. Tyrannus must have found her old lightsabers after the trial. She had assumed that they had been destroyed, but apparently not.

And yet, in a small way, it brought her comfort. These crystals had seen her through about eight years of training, battles, and war. They truly were a part of her. She felt suddenly relieved that she hadn't thrown them away after the break-in a few weeks ago.

She could let them remain in Darkness, but she felt guilty about abandoning the crystals to a Force she did not fully trust herself. Then again, the Light no longer suited them either. Was there a middle ground for them as well?

Her mind went back to her first trip to Illum when Yoda had guided her and other Younglings on how to find their crystals. He had told them that the crystals would ask something of her before they would be able to be found. In the beginning, the crystal had asked Ahsoka to trust. To trust the Jedi, and to trust the people around her. It had been difficult for her to let go of her doubts, especially since she remembered the pirates who had tried to kidnap her back then. She had succeeded, though. The proof was in front of her now.

What did the crystals want from her this time? Not to trust the Jedi, surely. Nor the Sith, at least she hoped. Was there something else for her to learn, or did she need to remember an old lesson?

Ahsoka listened to the crystals again. That quiet, underlying song was still there, just a hint clearer than before. The more she listened, the more she understood. They did want her to learn to trust again, but not to trust another person. 

She had to learn to trust herself.

As soon as she thought it, her mind recoiled at the idea. My judgment and my reason are not to be trusted, she defended herself. My emotions make me rash and reckless, and my logic does not always serve the greater good. I can't guarantee that I can control it.

Look at what happened when you used it, though, she argued. You saved the people in that shop and stopped the terrorists. You didn't lose control this time. You are learning.

That was the key, she realized. Maybe she didn't have all of the answers and the control right now, but it would come one day. All she had to be right now was enough, just enough for today. Tomorrow would take care of itself. If she let go of her future and past and just focused on the present, she could learn control, and judgment, and reason. 

The crystals are asking you to learn. Can you learn to trust yourself?

I can.

The new song began to drown out the Darkness and the Light in the crystals. Ahsoka fed it, chasing out the red glow with her newfound balance. The kyber crystals aligned themselves with Ahsoka once more, parallel to her pillars in the space where the blue and the red became white. The pain and suffering in the crystals were gone. Peace took its place.

Ahsoka reached a hand over to the shelf on the wall and floated the basket of her collected pieces over to her side. All that time pocketing spare parts was about to pay off. Once, weeks ago, she had envisioned certain pieces aligning in the shape of something she refused to acknowledge at the time, but she denied it no longer. She had seen the makings of a lightsaber, and more than one. Now she knew why.

The pieces she needed floated out of the basket and lined up with the crystals. Just like she had twice before under the watchful eye of Huyang, she now constructed two new lightsabers, unsupervised, but more sure than ever. She took the time to make them elegant and exact, adding her own flair and style to the hilts. She double-checked every wire, every bolt, every casing. Then, bringing her hands together, she collapsed the pieces into place. True to her instincts, the parts fit perfectly, becoming two solid handles before her. She held her hands out and let them fall slowly into her palms before opening her eyes.

These were much more sophisticated than her first ones, but not nearly as technical as her spinning lightsaber. She had integrated the chevron design on her lekku, like on her coat, into the casing. The different shades of metal replicated the wavy stripes on the sides and back of her head.

She had also used the same attachment piece she had eight years ago. Some Jedi had begun to adapt clips to their lightsabers, but Ahsoka always felt that they weren't as fancy and just didn't suit her. She had changed the opening though: it used to be a double-arc lip, but now she had a slanted oval opening. 

They were also the same length. She no longer had a shoto and a regular lightsaber, but two equally sized weapons that were completely identical. Although no one else would be able to tell, she could still distinguish between left and right because of her connection with the crystals inside. It was the advantage of using the same crystals for so long.

She had to make sure they still worked, though. Standing up, Ahsoka tossed the pillow back onto the couch and took a breath. When she activated the lightsabers in the lightless room, they nearly took her breath away.

They shone the purest white.