BTS 8th Member

Coping method pt. 1

This chapter can be sensitive to some, read at your own risk.

It's 3:47 am and you woke up to a wet pillow. Soaked with sweat and tears, the side of your face damp, body shaking, eyes wide with fear. You stand up quietly, careful to not wake up the sleeping jungkook the other side of the room, and go to your bathroom.

You open a cabinet and desperately grab your medication. You open the bottle with shakes hands and take 5 tablets (4 more than prescribed, but that wasn't going to hurt that much). You dip you head, hands outstretched, knuckles white from your iron grip on either side of the sink whilst you pant heavily. "Y/N?" You hear from the other room... 'damn I must've woken up jungkook' you think "Hi hyung, I'm fine honestly, just go back to sleep kookie hyung, I'll be there in a sec" you say, trying to make your voice as steady as possible. "Okay bub" he replies, mentally relieved, you stare at yourself in the dirty mirror. Bags under your eyes, face swollen, greasy hair... it's endless. Forgetting to put the pills back, you exit the bathroom.

You crawl back over to your bed once you were feeling better and reach for your small plain notebook. You begin to write down your feelings as a way to cope with everything.

I can't stop asking myself if the day I would stop feeling so lost will ever come.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
It's like I have forgotten my own personality.
Sometimes I ask myself, am I just some sad product of my own imagination.
If I ever did truly exist in the first place.

Your eyes fill with tears. You continue writing another paragraph.

I woke up from a dream I can't remember,
And it feels like I lost someone,
I can't even remember who.
And it just feels sad waking up,
Feeling like I lost a part of myself in the dream
And knowing I can't go back,
There is no way to go back.

You begin to write another:

My mind is screaming,
Screaming with a million different voices,
Each drowning out the next,
Until it all-

Little did you know, you were getting sleepier and sleepier as the night went on and you eventually fell asleep that way. With the third paragraph unfinished.

You woke up to the duvet covering you up to your chin, you bed noticeably tidier, and you lying down in a complete different way from when you fell asleep. A thought suddenly occurred and you abruptly stood up and began looking for your notebook, whilst doing so, you noticed the time and you realised you were late for school. 'Every damn thing is going wrong today!' You mentally complain to yourself before running around your room putting on your uniform and doing your hair as best as you can considering the time.

You briskly walk out of your room into the main area, where the sofa and tv was and see that the other seven members were all looking at each other with concerning looks as they were all gathered round the table. On the table was your notebook and meds. Your eyes go wide when you realise what they must've been discussing...

"Hey! That's mine!" You exclaim lunging towards the table to retrieve your book and pills. "You can't just take stuff like that from me without permission!" You shout again. The members are all taken aback as you've only shouted at them on one other occasion. "Hey Y/N, calm down..." Jimin says with a warm smile, but his eyes filled with some sort of sympathy. "No! I-I.... I need to get to school." You say and look at Jungkook, also in his uniform. "Jungkook hyung w-we should get g-going" You say to him, grabbing your bags, shoving the meds and notebook inside you start to walk toward the door. "Y/N-ah, we told the school that you and jungkook won't be attending today" Namjoon informs you, you look back at them, none of them are making eye contact with you. "But I thought we didn't have dance practise today, it wasn't on the schedule a-and I'm not ill so I-I don't see why I can't go. I n-need to c-catch up on some s-schoolwork anyways s-so I s-should-"
"Y/N enough" Yoongi says. "Come sit down, you aren't going to school today" your face pales, your hands start shaking like they were last night, you feel a weird narrowing sensation on your breathing. "A-am I in trouble?" You say staring at the floor fiddling with your hands. "No Y/N you're not in any trouble, we just want to talk" Jin says in a comforting tone. You slowly turn around, walking toward the free space between Yoongi and Namjoon. You place you bag on the floor and sit down.

Namjoon, who can feel you trembling slightly puts his arm around you, and gently strokes your back. "So erm, last night, Jungkook told me he went to get a glass of water, and whilst doing so, found you asleep, hunched over your book. Knowing that you were in an uncomfortable position, he took the book from you and put you to bed..." Namjoon pauses, you lower your head even more, knowing where this conversation was going. "He was as curious as anyone would be, and looked at what you were writing and so he woke me up and showed me..." your eyes sting with tears, ashamed of letting out your feelings. "Y/N... I'm not asking you to open up to us, but just know that we are here for you... I was told you past was a little... troubled... but I'm sure each and every one of us are here to listen to you." You sniffle, a tear runs down your face. "I'm s-sorry" you say. You feel weak, ignorant. "There's nothing for you to apologise for, we just want to understand-" Namjoon gets cut off "Namjoon hyung, sorry... I just need some air..." you abruptly stand up and run to your room closing the door behind you.

You lie on your bed on your side and hug your knees. You sob, hard. "We should give her some space" You hear Hoseok's muffled voice from the other side of the door. "Don't worry Jungkookie, you haven't done anything wrong" Jin says. Hearing that makes you feel guilty. "Why am I so stupid? Why couldn't I just handle these things!" You sob even harder. After a while, you become tired from all of the crying and fall asleep.

Jimin's POV

"What should we do now?" He asks the other members, after Y/N just closed the door to your bedroom. "I don't know Jimin-ah" Namjoon says "just wait for her to come out, until she's ready to talk to us." Yoongi tells you. "Okay hyung" You reply. Namjoon, Hoseok and jungkook get up and start talking quietly amongst themselves. You can hear Y/N sobbing from in her room. You feel guilty...
"I'll go make breakfast" Jin says, "I'll help hyung" you say. Following him to the kitchen, you hear Y/N's sobs quieten down.

10 minutes later

"Breakfast is ready!" You say as 5 of the expected 6 other members sit down at the table. "Should I go bring breakfast to her?" You ask, to no one in particular. "Sure Jiminie" Namjoon says, smiling, you grab her plate and walk towards her room.

You knock gently on her door "Y/N.. can I come in?" You say softly. No response. "Y/N?" You say slightly louder than the last time. "Well... I'm coming in now" you open the door and see her asleep, you set the plate to the side of her bed. "No" Y/N mumbles, still asleep. "What?" You ask her. "No." she says again, a bit louder than last time. "No what?" You ask, confused. You bend down to her level and see her tear-streaked face. "Stop..." she says "get away from me" you take a step back, confused. "Help" she says, sounding like a whimper. "Get out of my head" she quickly turns in her sleep, "erm guys?" You say. "Help me!" Y/N says, although this time she's crying again. You attempt to wake her up, to get her out of whatever nightmare she is experiencing. Shaking her trying to get her to open her eyes. Her breathing becomes faster, sweat drips down her forehead as tears cascade down her face. You shake her again, Tis time a little more violently.

Her eyes snap open, she sits up clutching her chest her breathing still faster then it should be.

Y/N POV

Your eyes snap open, you clutch your chest, you're hyperventilating. Jimin is holding your shoulders. You look at him, your eyes wild. "Can't..... breathe...." you manage to say "GUYS!!" He shouts to the other members, a flurry of footsteps are heard, getting louder and louder towards you room. 6 faces enter your room each of them filled with concern. "She's having an anxiety attack" Yoongi says, you grip onto jimins hands you head hanging low, rising and falling as you inhale and exhale. "H-hey
Y/N?" Taehyung says. It's the first thing he has said to you this morning. "Look at me" he says, and you do, your eyes filled with panic. He sits in front of you, Jimin moves out of the way, all of the members watching Taehyung.

"Y/N breathe with me okay?" You nod your head, tears falling down your face. As Taehyung breathes in, you do, your breathe shakey, but you still manage it. "Good, now breathe out" He says as you do, you begin to feel better. "Breathe in," He inhales "breathe out" He exhales, you and him continue this until you calm down. When you do, you hug him and thank him for helping you.