wonderland • wolfstar

16| that was the problem

Chest throbbing, Remus turned back to his roommates who were still recovering from the trauma of an eight-legged beast.

"You look a tad bit pale, mate, if I do say so myself," Fabian said honestly, slightly worried at Remus' strange complexion.

Rubbing his upper arm awkwardly, Remus looked down at the floor, hardly believing his own thoughts. It just couldn't be. He told himself that he could never be like this: it was much too dangerous. He'd be built then broken. Becoming broken was inescapable and Remus knew that he knew that, so why was he doing this to himself?

"I think I've..."

The words died on the tip of his tongue.

"You've what? You look like you've Sirius Black's arse, for fuck's sake. According to him, his buttocks do seem to have most of the lad-loving lads quite in shock."

Now that brought the colour back to Remus' cheeks.

"How could you - no, shut up! No! It's not that. Definitely not. I think..." he faltered, quickly losing his ability to speak.

He exhaled sharply. He needed some time to calm down. It was late and his head wasn't screwed on right after a stressful day.

"Get some bloody rest, Rem," reprimanded Frank, who was already tugging on his Liverpool FC pyjama trousers, almost tripping over the long legs in the process.

Remus was too tired to laugh at his struggles.

Sirius held himself up against the sides of a ceramic sink, the steam moving around his damp torso like a great looming cloud.

For the first time in years, he looked himself in the eye. For the first time, Sirius saw who he was. He saw the bruises on his neck, the bags steadily growing beneath his eyes: he just saw himself with fresh eyes. His lower lip trembled.

On his skin, he could see every slur and label branded on him, scratched and scarred in to him. They were everlasting and no matter what, they were to be there, stalking his every move. They would whisper foul atrocities in his ear for all eternity. How disgusting. This was Sirius Black's truth and no one, no one, could save him now. It was too late.

He was a victim of his own actions, a human now eternally blinded to kindness due to the results of his curiosity. He had never seen something more ugly in his entire life than his own reflection. Everything about him was a problem: his head was so fucking broken; his body that's been touched one too many times; and his eyes that falsely crinkled at the corners as he smiled flirtatiously at those boys.

His parents were right; he truly was a disappointment.

God, Remus Lupin has got to be one of the most beautiful creatures to ever roam this planet, Sirius decided, watching him act on stage while he stood backstage. It was maddening how he claimed he had never acted before, save his ridiculous Year Six production (which, by the way, Sirius had seen the video from Lily but he didn't understand a word of it because it was all in Welsh) but it felt as though the stage was his home.

He brushed his clothes down before stepping on stage, a large amount of books in his hand.

"Oliver! How lovely it is to see you here! Never thought I'd see you in a library," Alicia insulted mildly. She let out a pitchy laugh as she forced a book back in to a specially crafted, pretend bookshelf. Sirius jumped back at the loud smack. Remus, who was sitting at a square table in the dim of the light, turned his head to the scene, raising an eyebrow in disappointment as it unfolded.

"Oh, I had no clue you'd be here either! I thought you might have been practising your next piece. I hear Rojivel beat you for the sixth time in a row? How funny!" Sirius looked at the nonexistent audience as he uttered the last sentence exasperatedly.

Alicia glared at his back as he walked away with a steadily shrinking pile of books in his hand, slotting them in to the shelves lining the stage or in to a book trolley.

"Yes, absolutely jaw-dripping. Farewell, Curvestone, I'll see you at the concert a fortnight today."

"Yes, yes, until then!"

Alicia stormed off the stage while Sirius held his hands in his hips, smiling proudly to himself.

"Quite a bond the both of you have, yes?" The spotlight panned over to Remus; Sirius turned around, glorifying the way the yellow light highlighted Remus' freckled face for a few moments.

"I thoroughly despise her, honestly. Not enough to start a war though, unlike our stupid world. At each other's throats for nothing," Sirius grumbled, folding his arms as he walked over to the table, staring out in to the empty auditorium. Remus tilted his head and stared at Sirius, maybe full of pity or longing.

"You don't understand it, do you?" Remus' voice was impossibly soft, yet still so strong, like he knew of its severity yet managed to sugarcoat it with the most delectable poison.

His complexity pulled Sirius perilously close. Remus' writing, his small smiles, his sarcastic comments, everything about him had Sirius in awe.

And that was the problem.

"War? No, I don't understand it one bit."

It wasn't a lie.

Throughout the years, Sirius' heart never stopped pounding at the slight revealings of Remus' personality, nor did it stop beating out of the tune of his name. Sirius was smitten with Remus Lupin, and it was a battlefield in his mind as other people touched his body, kissed his lips, told him what a beautiful body he had.

It made him laugh. They knew nothing of beauty.

"War always stems from love. The loss of it, I suppose, is a better way of putting it. Everyone here is fighting because of the injustices but of course, no one is doing anything about it. because they're hurting. They're hurt because no one is loving them anymore and they desperately need something to validate themselves with, so that turns in to an argument, which turns in to war," Remus said all much too calmly as he organised the books on the table.

Remus seemed to naturally blend in with the surroundings of their shittily decorated stage. Not all the props had been made yet so the stage looked unfortunately bleak, but the shade of Remus' jumper was similar to that of a milky cup of tea, which went suitably well with the hues of the pretend shelves some faux leather covers.

"The lack of certainty when knowing how much love there is in your heart bothers me, darling, it does."

Remus glared up at Sirius as he leaned himself casually against the table.

"My love is as fine as the print in this book." He brought a book with a cover as stunning as the evening sky up to his nose, "I just can't stand it! I have to get this column written by next Tuesday and at the rate I'm going, I'll never get it finished. Your father hates me already, it's a wonder he's letting me do this."

"Yes, well, who doesn't my dad hate? But he might need to like you because you could possibly be his future son-in-law, so..."

wassup. hey, okay so it's 05:23 and i'm not tired but i know i need to go to sleep arghhh. i'm gonna watch the bee movie today! i can't wait! i've heard that it's got absolutely fantastic, five star reviews because it's just such an addictive, enjoyable movie about a frickin bee. i just can't wait. WAIT THAT REMINDED ME I FORGOT TO COPY AND PASTE ANOTHER SONG OR SOMETHING ON TO THE GC DAMNIT! SHOULD I DO BORIS JOHNSON'S FIRST PM SPEECH (awesome foursome) OR SOMETHING ELSE?
see you next millennium