The things I think of when I'm alone

The Highlife Lowlife

I have had a long period of suicidal issues. It started with loneliness, then the cutting, then saying ohhh I'm gonna do it. But as I grow older the loneliness part went completely away. I have so many people in my life constantly but I just don't care. They just use me as a means of pleasure. Damned if you do damned if you don't type situation. Yeah it's how it is. I constantly tried to find an escape. Make my job stop. Make the payments stop. Make the rent stop. This is what would make me happy. Others not profiting on me. I have dreamed of finding a plane and filling it with food and all the stuff that I enjoy. And just flying away. Of course I would build these things and never make anyone else do it. Then I would be alone and nobody could ever bother me again. I could just sit and work for myself and my needs like food and flying and silly things I think are funny. I have had the privilege of doing so much. And it made me worse. I don't wanna be fancy. I don't wanna be exclusive. And I don't want sex. I would like to rest. A very deep rest. I have never seen or heard of a situation that warrants so much effort. A nice thing takes a lot of work. And the work is so hard that if I didn't have to do the work then I would gladly not have the thing because then I could just rest. I feel I have little energy left. My power levels are low. I feel that I am at the center of a crazy government abuse scheme. My best friend was raped and they didn't do anything. Her brother died very young. Her parents can't get legal documents to work. My sister in law killed herself. My friend's family who is privileged wastes their money on boats, pills, and houses. They work for a college in Texas that's primary funding come from depression pill manufacturing. They say, oh you'll get better, you'll get disability, you need to try this because there is something wrong with you. Oh and I get a huge cut from you're insurance and pharmacy bills. Oh and all the rent goes to a guy that's just sitting next to you in the same type of apartment except he gets you to pay for his space. Wait it's his house on the hill now. Gets paid to tell the poor foreigner to fix your pipes. Yeah. Great. Wish I could do that. This is what I faced and this is what killed me if I died. I don't believe anyone has ever commited suicide. It was done to them. Well maybe out of guilt or something but that's hardly ever the case. And even then. Why would anyone hurt others if they weren't hurt first. What's to learn from this? The people who are looking have zero power to even control their own lives let alone all this. Yeah I don't know. I personally love writing on here because it feels like, Oh you can tell the world is bleeding too? Cool at least we can talk. At least we can feel each other existing.