The next morning, I feel the heavy weight of my brothers death loom over my body. The weight sits on top of me. Paralyzing me. Pinning me.
I lay awake, until Tommy wakes up and holds me. He kisses my neck, and that snaps me out of it.
Guilt. It's such a funny feeling. It can strangle you some days, make you giggle other days until you cry.
Someday I want to strangle myself. Wrap my arms so tightly around my neck and squeeze until I can't breathe anymore.
Guilt eats away at me. Until it gets easier, and when it does, when it does get easier, this shit happens.
The doctor said it's something called sleep paralysis. But I call it a monster that chokes me numb.
"Good mornin'." Thomas is soft with me in the morning.
Though he wakes up with a hard on, and passionate, he's soft and gentle. We haven't had sex since the day before I nearly died. And I want to tell him, I'm nearly there. But I know I'm not.
"Hi." I roll onto my side to look at Thomas.
We came home, bathed and then he took me to bed. He left a kiss on my lips before spending time in his office. He drinks in his office, and smokes.
He used to do that here, but the cigarette smoke makes my punctured left lung ache so much. It burns my lungs, and my ribs crunch together begging him to stop. The last time I thought I could handle it, I coughed up blood.
It spooked him. I scared him. So, now, he spends his evenings in the office until he's ready to come upstairs. He cuddles me in the night, at first he's gentle, until he falls into a deep sleep. That's when his hand gets heavy around my waist, and I have to wither my body from his hands. The warmth I once loved, now too much for my frail body.
"How did you sleep?" He asks, his eyes trickle from my eyes to my nose, to my lips. "Any nightmares?"
I want to tell Thomas, not an evening goes by without a nightmare. But I know it'll only worry him, so I go against telling him the truth.
"No." I lie effortlessly, bringing my head closer to him. "How about you?"
He eyes soften around mine. "I slept really good. I missed having you beside me."
I missed having you beside me. His words keep me alive, I swear they do. Nothing can make me happier these days than him.
"I love you." I tell him quietly.
"I love you." He replies.
That reminds me of something strange that happened last night. The man who approached us and grinned widely at me as Thomas introduced us. That man, I was meaning to mention it again to Tommy.
"I didn't know you were friends with that man. What was his name, Oscar?"
"Who?" Thomas's eyes narrow.
"The one who rants about the future being near us. The man who is always in the paper."
"Oswald." Thomas chuckles. "He'd probably call you a witch for calling him Oscar."
I crack a smile, noticing Thomas's eyes stare at my lips again.
"I wouldn't say we're friends." He replies. "Between you and I, I want him dead. He spreads more hate than any man I've ever met."
"Is he that bad?" I ask.
He nods. "But enough about him, I have something planned for you this morning."
"Something like what?" I grow curious and stare at him. He's done things like this before. Imported very expensive clothes from all over the world for me to try on. He knows I'm insecure about going to shops and being in the public eye, so he brought the shops to our home.
He only got lost in my eyes before climbing on top of me and leaving a trail of kisses down my neck. I get lost in his kisses. Licking my lips as my eyes roll back, he unbuttons my blouse. Kissing right between my breasts. But once I open my eyes, I see my brothers lifeless body in a casket.
"Thomas-" I exhale. Guilt. It ruins everything.
He stops, and brings his face up to mine. "I know, sorry."
Thomas never used to apologize. I swallow, and push myself to sit up. I rest my hand on his chest, "No, I'm sorry. It's been months and I still-"
"Shhh, you don't have to explain anything to me." He reaches up and runs his thumb over my bottom lip. I duck down and kiss his thumb. "I'm so proud of you."
"I just feel bad." I whisper, getting lost in my own thoughts.
"Jade." Tom calls, bringing my attention to him. "Don't feel bad. Any time with you that I have is a fuckin' gift. Ey?"
During breakfast, Thomas listens to the radio with a slice of bread in one hand and the newspaper in one hand. I can't help but admire seeing him eat, especially since he wasn't really one to.... well eat.
"What are you all cheery about over there?" Thomas asks as I pop some grapes into my mouth.
"Do you remember when I didn't have an appetite post-surgery?"
He chuckles, "How can I forget? You were so rotten to me, then."
"Sassy." I chuckle, "Is what I believe you called it."
He smirked, biting down on his toast.
Two months ago...
There's a deep depression that stems from hospitals. I refused to eat, refused to sleep, refused to do much that I have a choice in. Thomas was livid.
"Fucking eat!" He would bark, tossing out the nurses because they weren't doing much to entice me or my hunger. No, they threatened to force feed me. "You're getting so skinny, you look sick."
"I had surgery! My fourth one! You fucking-"
"Jade!" He snaps.
"I don't want to eat."
"Why?" Defeated, Thomas sits down at the foot of my bed. He squeezes my toes, "And what are these thick socks you've got on?"
I wiggle my toes, pushing him away. "Among many other fucked up things with this hospital. It gets cold in here. I ask the nurses to put the heat on but they don't listen to me."
"You employ them."
"No. You employ them."
"We employ them. The cheque is signed by a Shelby, you are one."
"That's not the point," I sigh. "What are you doing here, anyways? Don't you have to be in London?"
"Yes, I did have to be in London but I heard you weren't eating so I cancelled and came to baby sit my fucking wife."
"You know what Thomas, fuck off. I don't need you to get me to eat. What are you going to do?"
"I'll sit here and wait until you start eating."
Scoffing, I roll my eyes at him. "Might as well quit your job then."
"How else will your stitches heal, ey?"
"Like hell I know." I fold my arms over my chest and let out a gasp, pain rolls up my side. "Will you please, just go?"
"Jade-"
"Please?" I whisper, before realizing that Thomas doesn't do well with please. "God, Thomas it's not like you've ever bothered eating whenever I'd ask you to."
"What?"
"During breakfast, and lunch and even dinner. You'd barely ever touch the food on your plate."
"I'll eat if you eat." He decides. "I'll sit right here and eat with youse, if that's what you want."
I want to fold my arms over my chest, but I know it'll only cause me pain. "You won't like the hospital food."
"I'm sure it's not bad." Thomas runs a hand over his face before sighing. "You've gotten quite sassy."
