my lost love

23 October 2019, Wednesday

Hello there! It's been awhile already actually, since we broke apart. Well, maybe I should present you with a short and simple background information.

So, it's been almost 3 months already, ever since we broke up. We broke up on our 4th monthsary, 24 July 2019, Wednesday. It was originally an amicable break up and we tried to stay as friends in the beginning.

It was really tough especially when I am still madly in love with him and was unwilling to let go initially. But I did, because it hurts me to see that I was hurting the one I loved most, thus I decided to let him go and give him the freedom he wished for.

Of course, I was suffering from trying to pretend that I am alright being friends again. Thus, I made this decision for myself to block him. This decision I made didn't turned out well. He was just so disappointed in me that he just "gave up" on me. There were lots of incidents that happened in between, which may or may not have led up to our current state, but I will leave that to a later time, when I have more time to talk about it.

So what and how are we now, you may wonder?
We are like strangers who hold a grudge against one another. Yes, it is as bad as it sounds like. The one you trusted and loved most, but now you two just hold ill feelings against one another. That's not the end of it.

When you think that this is bad enough, my closest and pretty much only friends I had in school were on his side. Our friendship became really strained and it hit me that they may have never really considered me as their true friends. One of our mutual friends even shared an incredibly close bond to him. Just 4 words. It sucks a lot.

I still have to face him and my friends twice a week, probably as long as another year, as we still belonged in the same club. It is suffocating and hurts each and every time without fail, even as much as I controlled my feelings.

Do I hate him?

Oh, I am sure I could go on and on about his mistakes. I could tell him that I really hate him to his guts for making me who I am today. In my head, all I could think of was how much I hated him for making me this miserable in this day, but yet he could be having fun and falling for our mutual friend. I hate everything that is going on in my life right now, just because of his plain existence. Deep down in my heart, I wished he knew what he had done to me and to live on with the guilt, just like what he done to me for me to live on with this sadness and anxiety.

But, love is unfair and true love is ...
Always wishing the best for him or her. Silently and Distant.
A part still wishes that we still could stay friends. I wish that I still care for him without owing him as mine, because that's how much I truly love him. Unconditionally.
But another part of me knew that I would not be able to, because it would only break me apart further. I may end up hurting him even more. Maybe setting him free was the best way I could love him.

Honestly, he was a nice guy who deserved to be loved better. He accepted my flaws and loved me for who I am. That explains why I fallen deep in love with me.

Don't get us wrong, I am being real honest about this. I know we both truly loved one another.
I did not love him just simply because of the way he make me feel. Loving him was tough and painful, but I chose to continue loving him regardless.

I know it was not easy for him to leave too. As much I really wished for him to stay, I knew he made this decision for the both of us. It may not be the best, but it is for the better. It may sound selfish of him to do what he thinks is the best for us, which obviously is not for me, but I do not blame him. Because I understand that one should ought to make himself/herself happy first and it makes me happy to see him happy too.

I know I should deserve the same happiness too but love is selfless and sometimes, you just forget about prioritizing yourself over the one you love.
Don't worry, I trust that I will find that happiness again one day.

I researched and did whatever I could to try and get over him. It may work for a while and is probably the best thing you could do currently, but it did not worked for me. I got slightly better and got back to square 1 next.

If that's the case, do I regret blocking him?

No, I do not. Because I knew that if I didn't, it will only break me further.

What I learnt was that when you loved with your 100% and gave your all, you will NOT be able to take back that love. All you can do is simply try and reduce hurting and breaking yourself further.

The heart wants what it wants.

I don't think I will ever dare to love someone like this again. So, Appreciate it when someone loves you with their 100%. Because he/she may not love someone else the way he/she loved you AND not everyone would be able to love you back that someway too.