my lost love

He Reached Out

27 February 2020, Thursday 

I was shocked beyond words. My body was shaking and my voice was trembling hard. I panicked. 

Never did I expected him to reach out to me this way.

It was 12AM. He was drinking with his friends and I was busy mugging for my last final exam paper. 

A string of messages started flooding in.

He asked if I still had feelings for him. He apologized for not treating me right. 

I was not expecting this out of the blue.  I didn't know what to say or how to respond. 

Then here it comes. A phone call. One which I have not received for months. 

I hesitated and pondered on picking up the call, but still hurriedly answered the phone eventually. Afraid that he might hang up and curious about what is up. 

There was silence. I waited for him to speak. 

He asked me why didn't I answer his question. 

He told me he never loved someone as much as me. He told me that he misses me and he still cares for me. He told me that he will never find someone who understands him as much as I do. He told me that he is sorry for everything. 

I was simply at a loss of words. My mind blanked out. Nothing he said really went into my head.

"So what? Why are you telling me all this now? There is no point anymore." 

That was all I could think of. 

I wished for this very day to occur but never had any expectations. I thought he moved on and liked someone new. I thought I didn't matter as much to him. I thought he didn't want me in his life anymore. 

I was ready to let go, even if it hurts, even if it seems impossible.

I was surprised. Exhilarated. He told me that he still checks up on me. He thought I moved on. 

Full of confusion, I asked him about his actions and the times he made me confused over and over again. I was reminded of the times when I got hurt by him over and over again. 

The struggle I suffered. The amount of love I hold for him. I teared up.

For the first time, I finally thought OF and FOR myself. I was proud. For the first time, all his reasons sounded like excuses to me.

I know it probably hurt him to hear this from me but it was the cold hard truth. I had lost my trust in completely and I didn't want to care about what he does to me anymore. 

I set him free. 

He asked if we could still be friends. I got annoyed. 

"No, we can't because I still love you. It's like pretending to be friends when I have a crush on you."

Thereafter, we started having more random casual talks to catch up on what we have missed out. 

Soon, it was time for him to leave. I didn't understand why but I knew that I didn't want him to. I asked him to "stay" in a low voice and he reassured me that he isn't going anywhere and that he would stay with me. 

It was a 36 minutes long talk.

It left me with mixed feelings. I was ready to let go and I know that this call shouldn't change it.

It feels good and it hurts at the same time. I missed everything we had. I missed him so much.