my lost love

心累

Honestly, I do not know why I keep torturing myself for you. 

I love it when you find me but it gets tiring when I can not do the same.

It is easy for you to say all those things  - 

"可惜我们已经错过了"

But you don't know how much those words hurt me. 

I know I act like I am fine and is living my best life right now. 

You don't know anything. 

Because I stopped relying on you for support. 

You don't know how I still cry myself to sleep once a month. 

You don't know how much I resisted to find you every month. 

You don't know how I kept trying to find you in someone else.

You don't know how much I missed out because of you.

We drifted and moved on with our own lives. You say your feelings fade. 

I really wished it could be just as easy for me. 

You have never left my heart and mind.

Even when I thought it did.

My love for you was simple and unconditional. 

All that we have missed. All that we could have been.

When you managed to bring it up this casually,

I guessed all my deeply suppressed feelings just resurfaced. 

I remembered that I still could not move on. 

I was just following your motion. 

I am just trying to distract myself and escape reality. 

I was just trying to stay happy. 

And the fact that you were right about me with something I could not accept, was even more painful. 

I wished I could hate you. But I can't.

I wished you would do something I would never forgive you for.

But we know you would never be that bastard. 

I know I could never lose you. I love you too much. 

You say you didn't want to ruin our friendship. 

I know. 

What you don't know is how hard I am already trying. 

It gets really tiring. 

You get your support from me and move on while I cry and struggle.

But I still want to be the one there for you when you need me.

I don't think I will ever tell you. 

But deep down in my heart,

I really still wished we could try again. 

Despite not holding any expectations.

I know you say I deserve better. 

So as I want the better.

But I don't think I will be able to give up,

Knowing that there is just the slightest bit of chance.