my lost love

15 December 2019, Sunday

It's been some time since the last update. To be honest, reading all these past entries which I had written scares me. It brings me back to those tough days while I struggled hard to survive through each day and night. Despite it being an important part of who I am today, it is a dark past which I would rather keep it rooted at the back of my head.

Of course, I still do think of him as often. However, the memories no longer carry sadness, anger or vengeance. I would not say I have moved on completely because healing really is a process you have to go through with time. 

Not to worry though. On a positive note, it's true and you have to believe in the rainbow after the storms. You will meet better people who genuinely care for you and greater things will come your way. You will improve. You will find yourself, your self worth and self confidence again. This time, you will love and prioritize yourself even more.  But most importantly, you have to remember that you will feel happiness again. It would not be the same, nothing ever stays the same. Things will be better in different ways. You feel love differently and be glad that you get to experience however it is. 

I am proud to say that I am in a much better place as compared to before. I still do feel pretty lost and empty at times, but I have come to terms and is living on with this past of mines. Your past will always be your past, it will never go but don't let it haunt you. I made the decision to love him with all my heart and I have to bear the consequences of my decisions and actions. I allowed him to determine when I am the happiest and so do I have to accept how he would determine my sorrows. 

Do I regret? 

Honestly no. 

He gave me some of the best that I know I would never be able to trade it away with anything. I still love him a lot till this day. You don't just un-love someone you truly loved. A part of you will always love and care for him. After the breakup, I came to realize how rare and precious it is for 2 people to meet in the sea of billions, clicked well, opened up, had an emotional connection, fell in love and managed to share the love with each other, even if it didn't last. So, instead of lamenting, be grateful that you were able to experience this much of a love for someone because some people never do.

Honey, it's alright that this fate did not last. You have to believe that everything happens for a reason, for the better or the worse. What you have done for each other is probably enough for now and it could be time for you two to impact someone else. Realistically, life goes on and you two continue to venture on your own separate ways now. 

As much as I would love to stay friends, I know that he is not truly interested in being friends again and he is definitely not someone who is worthy to be my friend as of now. I definitely still disagree with some of his current characteristic traits, which may not matter to some people. Additionally, it may be just my own judgement and I would not be sure of what he is thinking of too. Don't reciprocate yourself though. It's perfectly alright to have your own boundaries and standards and this sets up your own self worth. 

I know I am not completely over him yet and I do wish for things to be smooth sailing for him. I hope that he is still able to do fine without me and I know he most likely will, which I am relieved for. However, I can't say that I would be able to wish him happiness now. I know I want him to be happy, but I just can't wish him to be. Therefore, I will stay out of his life now till I have healed fully and may him be able to find his happiness by then. So do I.